Can you give me your funniest jokes?

Question

ANY and all types. I just need to laugh!

Answer 1

Ok, this is a silly joke my teacher told me.

In a factory, they were manufacturing the Tickle-Me Elmo toys. The boss sat in a room above the assembly lines, doing his usual work.

Then, an employee rushed in, panting. "What's the matter," asked the boss. "Sir...sir...there's a problem in quality control! You must come quick!" Grunting, the boss followed him down to the assembly lines.

In the beginning, everything looked fine. The employees were assembling the toys like they were supposed to. But once they reached the quality control area, it was a different story. The woman in charge of that area was sitting on the floor, surrounded by Tickle-Me Elmo toys and holding a glue gun. Next to her was a box of fuzzy balls.

She was gluing two little balls to each Elmo toy's private area.

"What the hell are you doing," screamed the boss. "I told you to give them two test tickles!"

I hoped it made you laugh somewhat.

Answer 2

What type of tracks?

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

Answer 3

Not here sorry, I'll lose another 10 points, OK Police Intelligence. No known animal. The Irish police have found Shergar's body with a single bullet wound to the head. The case is being treated as a suicide.

Answer 4

A fat black man finds a magic lamp. His wishes are to be skinny, white and surrounded by *****. The genie said Poof and turned him into a tampon!

Answer 5

Man Falls Asleep At Church...
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

Answer 6

so glad you asked ,these have made me laugh more than any of the other jokes on here!!!!

Answer 7

there was a little boy and he said "mommy is God a man or a woman?" amd she said "both" then the little boy said "is God black or white?" and she said "both" and then the little boy said "mommy is God michael jackson?" Bahahaha srry if ur a michael jackson fan but i love that joke oh yeah and another one how do you confuse a blond? put her in a round room and tell her to find the corner. how does she confuse you back? she comes out and says she did!!! hahaha

Answer 8

this jokes totally not PC but it made me laugh...
dad: what do you want for xmas ?
daughter: id like a tiny tears doll, pram and cot.
dad: ok suck my manhood and you get what you ask for.
daughter: do i have to?
dad: yes thats the way it works.
daughter then gives dad a suck
dad: see that wasn't too bad was it?
daughter: i guess not but it tasted like shite.
dad: oh yeah, your brother wanted a train set!

Answer 9

SO THERE WAS THIS BOY HE ALWAYS SLEPT WITH HIS PARENTS IN THE MIDDLE. THEN ONE NIGHT THE DAD SAYS I MISS HAVING SEX THEN WHILE THE BOY IS SLEEPING THE DAD MOVES THE LITTLE BOY ON THE FLOOR WITH A PILLOW AND SOME COVERS AND THE MOM AND DAD **** THEN THE NEXT MORNING THE BOY SAYS "MOMMMY CAN I TAKE A SHOWER WITH U" THE MOM SAYS "OK" AND THEN SHE SAYS " DONT LOOK UP AND DONT LOOK DOWN" THEN THE LITTLE BOY SAYS "WHY" THEN SHE SAYD BCUZ I DONT WANT U TO LOOK AT MY HEAD LIGHTS OR MY GARAGE" SO THEN THE NEXT MORNING THE LITTLE BOY ASKES HIS DAD "DADDY CAN I TAKE A SHOWER WITH U" THEN THE DAD SAY "BUT DONT LOOK DOWN" THEN THE LITTLE BOYS SAYS "WHY" THEN THE DAD SAY "BCUZ I DONT WANT U TO SEE MY LIMO" SO THAT NIGHT THE PARENTS WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN AND THE BOY WAS STILL UP THE PARENTS THOUGHT HE WAS SLEEP AND THE DAD SAID "I WANT U SO BAD" THEN THE DAD SAYS TO THE MOM "IS HE SLEEP?" THEN THE BOY SAYS "NO DADDY" THEN THE DAD SAYS "CAN I MOVE U BCUZ I WAN TO PUT MY LIMO IN UR MOMS WARM GARAGE" THEN THE MOM STARTS TO MOAN AND THE DAD SAYS "SO CAN U MOVE?" THEN THE HUSBAND LOOKS AT THE WIFE MOANING AND "SAYS SO HOW BOUT IT SPORT? PLEASE CUZ MY LIMO CANT WAIT TO GET IN THE GARAGE" THEN THE LITTLE BOY SAYS " SORRY DADDY MY LITTLE RED TRUCK ALREADY BEAT U TO IT!!"


A doctor had sex with his patient.
The next day he felt bad and guilty. A voice inside his head said "your probably not the only one who has had sex with your patient" but then another voice in his head said.."your a sick bastard!..and a bad veterinarian too! "



A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."




There was a little girl and she HATED sunday school.
She always fell asleep. One day the teacher asked her a question. Christie? Who created the earth? A little bot named Johnny behind her jabbed her with a pencil. Immediatly she shouted " GOD AlMIGHTY!" and she fell back asleep. Again her teacher asked her a question. Christie, who is our savior? and again, Johnny jabbed her in the back. "JESUS CHRIST!" christie shouted. "Good" said the teacher. And again christie fell back asleep. Then, the sunday school teacher asked her Christie? What did Eve say after she had hre 19th child? and again Johnny jabbed her in the back. " DAMN IT! IF YOU JAB THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA BREAK IT IN HALF!

Answer 10

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall??





Dam!