Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her shiny bike stops beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"YEP," the little girl said, "he sure did."
The cop looked at the bike over and handed the girl a ticket for $5 for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it."
The young girl looked at the cop and said, "Nice horse sir, did Santa bring it to you."
"Yes he sure did" chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top"

2006-11-15 09:03:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is an Irishman who goes to the same pub every week. Everytime he goes in he orders 3 beers at a time. After a while the people start to wonder so the bar tender finally asks him, "You know people are starting to wonder why you order three beers at a time." The guy says, "Me and my two brothers don't live close to each other anymore so we made a pact, that everytime we go to a Pub we always drink a beer for each other." The bartender says, "Wow that's nice," and goes on his way. After a few months the guy comes in and only orders two beers. Everyone in the pub feels bad but no one really says anything. After a few weeks the bartender goes up to the man and says, "Sit I'm sorry to hear about your brother." The man looks suprised and says, "What about my brother?" The barkeep says, "Well, you have only only been ordering two beers for the past few weeks, so I figured one of your brothers must have passed." The man chuckles and says,

2006-11-15 09:02:34 · 14 answers · asked by Adam B 2

An old man went into confession and told the priest: "Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice."

"I see," said the priest. "When was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never,Father", replied the old man. "I'm Jewish"

"So why are you telling me?"

"I'm telling everybody!"




A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull."

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant."

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!"

The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

2006-11-15 09:01:27 · 24 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.

Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.

She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Let's go outside." So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.

Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.

When he got home she asked, "How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?"

He replied, ''You know me, dear. I don't have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to told me he had the time of his life!"

2006-11-15 08:44:28 · 21 answers · asked by the_sac_kings_r_number_1 1

These two bats were hanging up side down in a cave, the one bat said that he was really hungry. " If you go across those two fields you will find a herd of cows, have a nibble and get yourself a drop of blood", said the other bat, So of he went 10 minutes later he flew back into the cave his face was covered in blood." I. see that youve had a good feed then " asked the other bat. "Not really" he replied, "see that oak tree at the end of the lane" he asked," well i didnt"

2006-11-15 08:39:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Earl

This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops.
The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl."
"You got a last name, Earl?"
"Nope. It's a long story, Officer."
"I got time."
Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just Earl."

2006-11-15 08:39:04 · 9 answers · asked by WHY? 3

+This is an easy one+

+Two men are walking in a place where nothing can possibly ever appear. Suddenly one of the men trips and falls to the ground while the other man starts hopping on one foot.+
+What just happened here?+
+I wanted to see how many people could get this+

2006-11-15 08:38:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight."

2006-11-15 08:28:13 · 7 answers · asked by the_sac_kings_r_number_1 1

Is she to dumb to be a blonde?

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes happen around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

So I'll pass the question to you. Is she to dumb to be blonde?

2006-11-15 08:26:29 · 13 answers · asked by chris b 4

and then i run my tounge around the rim before i plunge it into the moist centre. How do you eat your cream egg??

2006-11-15 08:16:48 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you write 1000 all in nines

2006-11-15 08:13:40 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hmmm?

2006-11-15 08:07:09 · 13 answers · asked by emily 1

Blonde's Year in Review
A Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... learned later,the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!

December - Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh"..... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!

2006-11-15 08:06:49 · 11 answers · asked by chris b 4

The red house is on the right side, the blue house is on the left side , so where is the white house?

2006-11-15 08:02:41 · 9 answers · asked by wendyjoseph2231 1

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter stopped him and asked if he could watch the gates whilst he went to the loo.

Jesus agreed and began letting people in. After a few minutes he saw a stooped old man approaching. He was so old that he could barely walk, and his white beard ran down to the floor.

When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.

"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," said the old man.

Jesus stares curiously at the wisened figure before him, "Father...?" he asked.

The old man looks at Jesus and says,

"Pinocchio...?"

2006-11-15 08:02:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-15 07:58:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

well if you have " 3 " apples and take "1" you have "2" left don't you! read the question carefully!
well done for trying, not many people got it lol x x

2006-11-15 07:52:42 · 25 answers · asked by red devil 3

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.

On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING ME THE CAMEL!!!"

2006-11-15 07:49:47 · 15 answers · asked by Joe Somebody 6

please don't get this wrong!! lol

2006-11-15 07:38:41 · 34 answers · asked by red devil 3

Very funny Bush joke

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".

Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:

370HSSV-0773H

Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. They even sent it to Britain’s MI-6 and they didn’t know either. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD for help.

Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."

2006-11-15 07:35:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Loan for Kermit

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're going to love this)




(A masterpiece)




(Wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

2006-11-15 07:34:55 · 10 answers · asked by Tabor 4

A crow landed in a field of bullocks.
He walked about and came upon a steaming pile and proceeded to eat his fill.
This made him really happy so he flew to the top of the highest tree in the field, and started to "crow" his head off.
2 minutes later the farmer came into the field and shot the crow (stone dead)

The moral of the story is -

You may get to the top of the tree on "bullshit" but some b"stard will always shoot you down.

2006-11-15 07:20:37 · 8 answers · asked by researcher 3

its something we see and taste.

2006-11-15 07:04:20 · 17 answers · asked by Edwin H 2

Paddy and Mick walking down a street in London. Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.
The sign said "Suits £ 5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy says to his pal, " Mick, Look! we could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Ireland, we could make a bleeden fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking, if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent.'

'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £ 5.00 each, 50 shirts at £ 2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £ 2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Ireland aren't you?"

"Well...yes," says a surprised Paddy . "How der hell d' you know dat?"

The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."

2006-11-15 07:03:48 · 14 answers · asked by Warlock Fiend 4

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived ....and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down... and
squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one
of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men..... are men

.

2006-11-15 06:58:21 · 17 answers · asked by Warlock Fiend 4

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane. He is good-looking, tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. ......One button at a time. ........No one moves. .........Everyone is transfixed. ........He removes his shirt. ........Muscles ripple across his chest. .......She gasps... ........

He whispers... "Here ya go luv - iron this and then go get me a beer...."

2006-11-15 06:55:15 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

.

2006-11-15 06:55:11 · 19 answers · asked by Warlock Fiend 4

but in, ive got that dopey mare kizzy in a conference want to join in while i rip her to bits

2006-11-15 06:51:53 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

The detective brings in a woman who has reported that she has been raped.
The Irishman jumps forward and says "Thats her, the miserable sod"

2006-11-15 06:48:14 · 12 answers · asked by researcher 3

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar?

She heard the drinks were on the house.

2006-11-15 06:44:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous