Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

GEORGE BUSH:...... absolutly no mind
GALILEO:.......... great mind
EINSTEIN:......... genius mind
NEWTON:........... extraordinary mind
BILL GATES:....... brilliant mind
YOU:.............. Never mind..!!! :-))
But As long as we're friends ... I don't mind!

2006-11-15 00:22:40 · 11 answers · asked by talkingformydog 4

2006-11-15 00:14:26 · 17 answers · asked by darrenbafc 2

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
deplorable
infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the
man's weiner
off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The
little
girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the weiner
smacked
their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was
that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at
such a young age, the father replied, It....it was only a bug,
Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said
"Sure had a big ****, didn't it?"

2006-11-15 00:06:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rule 1: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.



Rule 2: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.



Rule 3: It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:


A. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.


B. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.


C. After wrecking your boss' car.


D. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game" movie.


E. When she is using her teeth.



Rule 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bale a friend out of jail within 12 hours.



Rule 5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever -- unless you actually marry her.

2006-11-15 00:04:32 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

u can not use wrong word which are related to sex etc
i will give the best answer reward only who use animal name to help me to tell full form

2006-11-15 00:01:11 · 2 answers · asked by DX GENERTION 1

A young lad tells his mother that he is very soon going to marry the prettiest girl ever. He wants to know if his mum could guess between 3 girls wich one has his choice.

The 3 beautiful girls come at his mums and sit on the sofa for just an informal conversation.
Can you guess wich one of these lovely persons i shall marry ? Askes the guy.
Of course my son...the one in the middle !
That is incredible mum but how did you do ?
Its very simple my son..............I dont like her !!!!!!

2006-11-15 00:00:43 · 16 answers · asked by talkingformydog 4

When is a door,
Not a door ?

2006-11-14 23:59:39 · 12 answers · asked by us2_4playtime 2

a man is on one side of a river and needs to cross to the other.
he has a boat that will atke and 1 other.
he has a lion, a goat and a cabbage.
in what order does he do it?
there is a logical solution

remember lions eat goats
goats eat cabbage

he needs all three safely on the other side uneaten

2006-11-14 23:58:02 · 20 answers · asked by emboo 2

The first one said. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned". "I touched a man's penis with my finger"!

The Priest said. "Go outside, wash your finger in the Holy Water and say 2 Hail Mary's"!

The second Nun said. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned"> "I touched a man's Penis with my hand"!

The Priest said. "Go outside, wash your hand in the Holy Water and say 3 Hail Mary's"!

The 4th Nun turned to the Third and said. "Can I go in before you"?

The third Nun asked why?

The 4th Nun replied. "I'd like to rinse out my mouth, before you wash your @rse"!

2006-11-14 23:48:53 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Chick With Long Legs
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

2006-11-14 23:47:28 · 10 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

There's a guy on this site called SilentAssassin, but because of size restrictions, his name comes up as SilentAss...

Ha ha ha ha.

2006-11-14 23:38:43 · 13 answers · asked by people are scum 4

Let me explain mathematically;

It is accepted that,

Study = Dont Fail &
Dont Study = Fail

So,
Study + Dont Study = Fail + Dont Fail

means,
Study ( 1 + Dont ) = Fail ( 1 + Dont )

Thus, Study = Fail

PROVED !!!

2006-11-14 23:35:00 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please explain to me how my response to a joke I didn't find funny was reported as a violation? How is my saying"eyeroll" any different than people saying"dumb", "lame", "not funny", etc.?The person reported me for"not a question/answer"...oh please!I didnt realize that telling a joke was considered asking a question so isn't everyone telling a joke on here violating that rule also? I say people need to lighten up and realize that everyone's sense of humour isnt going to be the same.If I had a quarter for reporting everyone that didnt find my jokes humorous.....LOL...sheesh

2006-11-14 23:22:46 · 8 answers · asked by ~LAX Mom~ 5

Think before you speak

……………………………………………………………

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!



Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a ********?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word .. he knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"



THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.



FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident"? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?

2006-11-14 23:21:00 · 19 answers · asked by Peachy Girl 4

Optician?

2006-11-14 23:16:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

have a guess...
























































































The A-Team!

2006-11-14 23:12:41 · 2 answers · asked by Chris C 3

Vampire bat
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

2006-11-14 23:12:23 · 7 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

2006-11-14 23:04:01 · 9 answers · asked by meemeemee40 5

2006-11-14 22:58:22 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-14 22:54:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

only a bit of fun,dont take my questions to heart...just havin some fun!!!

2006-11-14 22:53:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are up at the 20th floor of a new building.
Fred falls off, plummets to the ground and dies instantly.
Pat turns to Joe and says. "I suppose one of us should go and tell Fred's wife that he is dead"!
Joe Says. "I couldn't do that. I'd get all the words wrong and mess it all up"!

So. pat has to go and do it.
2 hours later. pat comes back to the building site with a case of whisky.
Joe says. "Where did you get the whisky Pat"?
Pat replies. "Freds wife gave it to me"!
Joe says. "Why did she give you a case of whisky, when you just told her that Fred was dead"?
"Well" Said Pat. "I knocked on the door and said. " "Are you Fred's widow"?
"No" She replied. "I'm Fred's Wife"
I said, "I'll bet you a case of whisky you're not"!

2006-11-14 22:43:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The queen and dolly parton die on the same day,and they both go b4 st.peter 2 find out if they'll b admitted 2 heaven.Unfortunately,thers only 1 space left that day ,so St.peter asks dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go 2 heaven.She takes off her top and says,"look at these.they're the most perfect ones god ever created,and i'm proud 2 own them".st .peter thanx dolly,and asks the queen the same question.she drops her skirt and panties,takes a bottle of perrier out of her purse,shakes it up,and douches with it.St.peter says,"OK,your majesty,u may go in."Dolly is outraged,she screams,"what was that all about?i show u 2 of gods own creations,she performs a disgusting hygiene act,and gets in,and i don't?!!!"Sorry Dolly says St.Peter,"but a royal flush beats a pair anyday."

2006-11-14 22:08:11 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I will post the answer soon...

2006-11-14 22:06:24 · 10 answers · asked by Motti _Shish 6

There is a right answer to this riddle so you know whether you get the answer right:

A man was driving in a convertable car in a thunder storm. He then stops at a bus stop and sees 3 people there:

- An old woman who is really sick and needs to be taken to a hospital immediately.

- A doctor who saved your life before.

- The love of your life who you were never be able to see until now

He only has 2 seats in the car. One is for him. The other is for only one other person. Who should he save and why??? Ten points for the first correct answer!

2006-11-14 22:03:00 · 20 answers · asked by Akira_Cat 3

2006-11-14 21:59:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father I have sinned, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."
The Priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father I have sinned, it hasbeen two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fanny Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in Church, the Priest is preparing to deliver his
sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the Church. All the men's eyesfall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly

2006-11-14 21:26:02 · 14 answers · asked by your pete 4

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of
them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have found 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

2006-11-14 21:05:41 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A frustrated wife tells her friend, “I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!”

Her friend replies, “Why would you want to divorce him for that?”

The wife says, “Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he’s married!”
####
An elderly woman was caught shoplifting. The store owner thought she had been shoplifting for some time, and finally caught her at it. At trial, she pleaded guilty and threw herself on the mercy of the court. The judge asked, “What did you steal?” “A can of peaches.” “Why did you steal them?” “I am too poor to afford peaches but really love them, so I took them.” “How many peaches were in the can?” “The label said ’six’.” The judge frowned, cleared his throat, and pronounced the sentence: “You stole six peaches, so I sentence you to six days in jail.

As the gallery gasped at the severity of the sentence, her husband stood up in the back of the courtroom and asked if he could say a few words. “Certainly,” replied the judge

2006-11-14 20:47:05 · 8 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

2006-11-14 20:39:49 · 4 answers · asked by DX GENERTION 1