Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-15 06:43:49 · 38 answers · asked by Jayd 2

A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?" he replied. The blonde said "How about $50.00 ?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man's wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats". Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari".

2006-11-15 06:40:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

his mother's Ty and his dads a *** ger.

2006-11-15 06:37:44 · 4 answers · asked by JOHN TIMCHECK 1

2006-11-15 06:35:50 · 8 answers · asked by meechrobi 1

This is hilarious-----> http://youtube.com/watch?v=dqFiZ0iL9QM

2006-11-15 06:32:36 · 7 answers · asked by choosinghappiness 5

Three Swedish switched witches watch three Swiss Swatch watch
switches. Which Swedish switched witch watches which Swiss Swatch watch switch?

2006-11-15 06:16:04 · 22 answers · asked by ^.^ Dressa Amiga de Deus ;-) 1

"hooray, my olimpic condoms have arrived, i think i ll wear gold tonight!" wife replies"why dont you wear silver and come second for a change!"

2006-11-15 06:13:37 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

When someone questions the obvious give them back a snappy answer. ;)

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....

Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

2006-11-15 06:09:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man goes into a gun shop and says i want a gun to shoot some cans.
What sort of CANS asks the gunkeeper.
The man replies you know.
MEXICANS
JAMICANS
AFRICANS

2006-11-15 06:08:06 · 19 answers · asked by colin050659 6

joke today. And those of us who replied half expected the question to receive a violation notice but this did not happen fortunately. Which shows that people should only look at questions that do not offend. This should stop all this silly carry on with violation notices. What do you think about violation notices.

2006-11-15 06:07:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

in one's ear- do bananas have feelings or would they just be happy for the ear-screw?

2006-11-15 06:05:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway--but the Hershey Man will know!

It takes less than a minute. Work this out as you read ...

Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .... If you haven't, add 1755.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e, how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are

YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

2006-11-15 06:01:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

i want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep......... unlike the other 150 passengers on the train he was driving at the time!!!

2006-11-15 05:49:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I wonthe prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self!

You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

2006-11-15 05:49:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i l0ve blonde jokes!

2006-11-15 05:47:07 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet dosen't follow you around after it's be used.

2006-11-15 05:43:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

told a bit of a shocker today and need to redeem myself with a decent joke if you wouldn't mind! :D thanx

2006-11-15 05:36:28 · 4 answers · asked by ciaran_m_o 2

In Tesco's car park, whilst packing shopping in your car you may be approached by 2 gorgeous 18 year old eastern european girls in tight tiny tops. They wash your screen with their ti.ts hanging out then ask you for alift to the next shop as payment. On the way they strip and go down on each other, then 1 climbs in front and sucks you off. The other nicks your wallet! I had mine stolen last Tuesday and Wednesday, twice on Friday, then again today. Be careful.

2006-11-15 05:26:51 · 15 answers · asked by sid 2

2 men in a car get pulled over
Cop comes to the drivers side and asks for the usual.. drivers lis etc..
Then the man says "I wasn't speeding what the hell did you pull me over for?"
The cop takes his club out hits the man across the face, then he walks around to the other side and hits the passager guy in the head just like the driver...............
DO YOU GET IT? IT really is funny if you get it!

2006-11-15 05:24:32 · 17 answers · asked by junebaby 2

2006-11-15 05:19:08 · 25 answers · asked by MAD 1

So, the story goes, Adam is taking a nap in the garden and god comes to him. God, "So Adam, how are things going with Eve?".
Adam "Great! She is a wonderful companion, we talk and play. She's beautiful to look at and the sex is incredible!"
God, "That's great Adam! Where is Eve now?".
Adam, "She's in the river swimming".
God, "OH NO! Don't let her do that, we'll never get the smell out of the fish!".

Funny or not?? I'm guessing there will be a nice divide on gender lines on this one.

2006-11-15 05:18:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't always take things in their literal sense. Like-
When Dr says take off ur clothes.
When dentist says open wide.
When milkman says u want in the front or in the back.
When interior dec say once it is in u'll luv it.
When banker says if u take it out soon u'll lose the interest.
When the phone guy says wud u like it on table or against the wall!
*********
Make luv to ur galfriend on Valentine day.
She'll give u gud news on Mothers` day
n u'll hv a child on children`s day.
Don't try this on everybody.
U'll hv bad news on Dec 1 (AIDS day)

2006-11-15 05:14:10 · 18 answers · asked by Pd 6

40 scousers arrived at heaven's gates. St Peter says, 'We've only room for 12 so decide amongst yourselves who's coming in.'
5 mins later St Peter says to God, 'They've gone!'
God replies, 'What, all 40 of them?'
St Peter says, 'No, the fuc.king gates!'

2006-11-15 05:11:37 · 10 answers · asked by sid 2

If train A leaves the station at five o'clock pm, going fifty-five mph and train G laves the station in Kansas, going sixty-three mph at noon, how many oreos could a chipmunk in Canada fit in it's cheeks while singing in the shower?????

2006-11-15 05:04:17 · 12 answers · asked by Always A Lady 2

or did i just make that up?

2006-11-15 04:58:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any websites that have some good riddles?

2006-11-15 04:52:33 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ***", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business."

2006-11-15 04:44:43 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sistermatic!

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“Where do ill wasps go to get better? Waspitall,!

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“What do you give a man with water on the brain? A tap on the head.

2006-11-15 04:28:32 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a word of meanings three.
Three ways of spelling me there be.
The first is an odour, a smell if you will.
The second some money, but not in a bill.
The third is past tense, a method of passing things on or around.

Can you tell me now, what these words are, that have the same sound?

2006-11-15 04:09:18 · 8 answers · asked by miki 3

I read that ten out of two are dyslexic...

2006-11-15 04:07:02 · 22 answers · asked by malani_rsmann 2