Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

The directions tell him to microwave it for 120 how long is henry suppose to cook his hot pocket

2006-11-15 03:58:56 · 10 answers · asked by Kanis 2

Can u guess whatthat is?

2006-11-15 03:41:25 · 24 answers · asked by fds 1

2006-11-15 03:40:30 · 31 answers · asked by long_luscious_lashes 3

2006-11-15 03:38:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, 'I'd give anything to sink this next putt.'

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, 'Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?'

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, 'Okay,' and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, 'Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.'

The same stranger moves to his side and says, 'Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?'

The golfer shrugs and says, 'Sure.' He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, 'Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?'

The golfer says, 'Certainly!' He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, 'You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.'

'Nice to meet you,' says the golfer. 'My name's Father O'Malley.'

2006-11-15 03:35:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q:Why did the bakers hands smell so much?

















A: He kneaded a poo!

2006-11-15 03:33:08 · 37 answers · asked by Concho 1

Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the
game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially all the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the
rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:'Get the quarterback! Get
the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

2006-11-15 03:31:52 · 14 answers · asked by cyber2nd 4

My mind goes blank! Anyone else?

2006-11-15 03:28:00 · 1 answers · asked by curiosity 4

A mate from work...

I would be most grateful for any advice anyone could give me on this matter of deep concern to me. For sometime now I've suspected that my girlfriend may be having an affair. You know the sort of thing. Her mobile rings, I answer, someone hangs up. Recently she has started going out 'with the girls' a lot and when I ask which girls it's always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always used to keep an eye out for her taxi coming home but now she always walks up to the house although I can hear a car setting off as if she has just got out of one around the corner. The other day I picked up her mobile, just to see what time it was, and she went mental, screaming at me that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with her. I kind of think deep down I don't really want to know the truth. But then last night she went out again and I decided that I would check up on her. I hid behind my car which I knew would give me a good view of the whole street so I could see which car she got out of on her return. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

2006-11-15 03:23:34 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ways to Annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate


1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wal

2006-11-15 03:21:48 · 13 answers · asked by Ariana 2

The eldest daughter potato said" Ive got some thing to tell you, I'm getting Married"
"Oh" Said mother potato "I hope he's nice, Is he a King Edward or a Jersey Royal"
"No mum, I'm going to marry Harry Carpenter" Said the daughter potato.
Mother potato screamed
"Oh my God, How could you, He's just a common Tater"

2006-11-15 03:00:41 · 28 answers · asked by jabelite 3

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

There's something wrong with my d*ck," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

2006-11-15 03:00:23 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-15 02:31:32 · 4 answers · asked by brad p 1

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

2006-11-15 02:30:38 · 10 answers · asked by sea_vancouver 1

2006-11-15 02:28:07 · 10 answers · asked by Abbott 1

will they go out and purchase a lawn tractor for their girlfriend?

2006-11-15 02:22:00 · 9 answers · asked by hutmikttmuk 4

what is higher than the highest, lower than the lowest, faster than the fastest fatter than the fattest and if you it you will die?

2006-11-15 02:00:34 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

He was rendered helpless - until tea-break.

2006-11-15 01:55:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

I went to the grocery & said, I want five pounds of potatoes please. And the grocer said, we only sell kilos. So I said, alright, I'll have five pounds of kilos please

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

What do you call a Gorilla with a banana in each ear? Anying you like, he can't hear ya?"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts".

2006-11-15 01:44:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blokes have a sad road accident on Christmas Eve, and arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asks them if they have anything to remind them of the meanings of Christmas.
1 I have this zippo cigarette lighter, which reminds me of the Star of Bethlehem in the sky
"Fair enough, in you go."
2 I have the three remaining poker dice in this pocket, which is a reminder of the Three Wise Men.
"OK, you're in"
3 He rummages, and produces a pair of red knickers.
"What has that got to do with Christmas?"

They are Carols.

2006-11-15 01:22:41 · 13 answers · asked by Bob the Boat 6

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Michigan ."
And they say blondes are dumb...

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and far*.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

2006-11-15 01:13:44 · 16 answers · asked by Scorpio 4

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own f...ng blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

2006-11-15 01:04:48 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

,he took his sister to go to the shop,after a good look,he decided to buy some gloves.As the fella made the purchase,his sister also did some shopping & bought a pair of knickers. sadly,in wrapping up the two purchases,the attendant got them messed up so the young fella got the knickers. He never thought to check,he simply wrote a letter to go with the gift and posted the parcel.His letter read.
"My dear Debs,
Hope you like this gift. I bought them bcoz I noticed you dont wear any in the evenings. My sister would've chosen the long ones but I think the shorter ones are easier to get off. I hope the colour is to your liking. The shop assistant had pair of same colour & she showed me the ones she'd been wearing for the past two months and they were hardly soiled.
I wish I cud be there when you first put them on,but as I'm not meeting you until sunday I guess others will see them before I do.
love u
Shop guys Note,wen u take them off, blow them to remove dampness.

2006-11-15 00:47:13 · 7 answers · asked by toppopsy 3

1. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

2. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

3. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

6. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here."

2006-11-15 00:46:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

by the police the other day because he said i was speeding. He said you were doing 55mph in a 40mph zone. No I wasn't I told him, your'e wrong the machine you use must be broke. Nothing the matter with it you were doing 55mph. No way I said, just then the wife leaned over and said to the policeman it's no use arguing with him when he's had nine pints!!!!!!!

2006-11-15 00:43:21 · 15 answers · asked by Shredder 6

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!".
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?".
"At the circus", says the landlord.
"The circus?", the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the landlord.
"The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!", says the landlord.
The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

2006-11-15 00:40:05 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's ******* goofy!"

2006-11-15 00:39:58 · 17 answers · asked by talkingformydog 4

1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

2.Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

3.Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?

4.Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?

5.Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?


6.Why are the round pizzas served in square boxes?

7.If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

2006-11-15 00:34:50 · 33 answers · asked by Tanya S 3

named after women like Sophie, Pamela or Kizzy because they are wet and warm when they come and there's f**k all left when they've gone. That Kizzys got a head like a nappy full of s**t !!!!!!!

2006-11-15 00:31:28 · 10 answers · asked by Shredder 6

I say it's marriage.
A friend of mine says it's waterbeds...something about couples drifting apart! What would your answer be? (Be creative)

2006-11-15 00:28:24 · 17 answers · asked by redcoat7121 4