Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

The nut behind the wheel

2006-11-15 13:57:18 · 15 answers · asked by Cannibal 4

bloke goes in a shop and asks for Irish Sausages.

The Assistant looked at him and asked "Are you Irish?"

"If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ? Would ya, ay? Would ya?"

The assistant says, "Well no".

"And if I asked you for some Bourbon Whiskey, would you ask me if I was American? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't,"

With self-indignation, the man says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish Sausages?"

The Assistant replies, "Because you're in Homebase."

2006-11-15 13:57:09 · 10 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

I don't sneeze often but today I can't stop sneezing.

2006-11-15 13:43:01 · 14 answers · asked by Kaitlyn 4

The country song was played backward?

The dog came back, the wife came back, the truck was fixed, and I got sober.

Sorry if you've heard this one before...what do you think?

2006-11-15 13:36:04 · 11 answers · asked by cmdruser 5

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look.

Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

2006-11-15 13:31:31 · 23 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

My dad told this to me (usually his jokes are crap but hey, his stories aren't bad!) and it's a true story.

So, my dad's friends were on an airplane. One was Irish and the other was English, if I remember correctly. Well, they were drinking some complimentary airplace alcohol when all of a sudden--bam! One of four engines falls off. The pilot reassures them that everything is good, but they will be delayed. Well, five minutes later--bam! Another engine falls off. At this point, only two engines remains. The pilot repeats his message-they will be delayed two hours or so. Ten minutes later---bam! Another engine falls off. One left. The pilot once again reassures the passengers, but says that they will be delayed a few hours. The airplace can easily run with only one engine. At this point, my dad's friends are nervous and drinking heavily. A few moments later the Irish guy leans over to his friend and says--"If we lose that other engine we'll be up here all night!"

2006-11-15 13:17:34 · 17 answers · asked by Rawr_Kitty 3

How do you do this riddle???

Ok im thinking of an animal. Guess what it is:

Ready?
*snap!*
Boy this riddle's hard huh?
But you can't get it.
*snap!*
*snap!*
*snap!*
Too late!!

2006-11-15 13:13:43 · 8 answers · asked by .:.:far away:.:. 1

Three sons left home,went out on their own and prospered. They
discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first son said: "I built a big house for our mother" The second
son said: I sent Mom a mercedes with a driver." The
third son said:"you remenber how our mother enjoys reading the bible.Now she can't see very well.So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. The Elders at the church
spent twelve years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and the verse and the parrot recites its"
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
"William",She wrote," the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,but I have to clean the whole house." Arnorld, She said,
I'm too old to
travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the
mercedes. That driver is so rude, he is a pain"......But David,
"she said," the chicken was delicious.





I don't get it at all! Can you explain it to me?

2006-11-15 13:05:36 · 21 answers · asked by .:.:far away:.:. 1

A string crawls into a bar, gets on the barstool and says "bartender give me a beer". The bartender says "we don't serve strings here". The string goes outside and asks a woman passing by to pick him up, shread his ends and tie him into a knot. The woman does so. The string goes back into the bar, crawls back onto the barstool and again says "Bartender, give me a beer". The bartender says "Weren't you that string that I just threw out?" and the string says "I'm a frayed knot" LOL

2006-11-15 13:04:33 · 21 answers · asked by Cannibal 4

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, I'm watching the Footy with my son-in-law."

2006-11-15 13:02:50 · 17 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

what get wetter as it dries what has one voice in the morning has 4 legs than two then three what as it grows knows without a teacher

2006-11-15 12:43:02 · 17 answers · asked by christianbovier 3

A rooster and chicken walk into a bar. They met their friend goose. They all asked for drinks.

The goose asked for a medium size drink. Instead he got a small.

The bartender goes, "I thought you wanted a medium!"

Get it???


































10 points to the person that actually tried to figure out if this had a meaning.

2006-11-15 12:40:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three sons left home,went out on their own and prospered. They
discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first son said: "I built a big house for our mother" The second
son said: I sent Mom a mercedes with a driver." The
third son said:"you remenber how our mother enjoys reading the bible.Now she can't see very well.So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. The Elders at the church
spent twelve years to teach him. Mama just has to name the chapter and the verse and the parrot recites its"
Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.
"William",She wrote," the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,but I have to clean the whole house." Arnorld, She said,
I'm too old to
travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the
mercedes. That driver is so rude, he is a pain"......But David,
"she said," the chicken was delicious.

2006-11-15 12:33:53 · 19 answers · asked by lavieenmauve 1

Duck walks into a grocrey store and asks the clerk " You guys got any gwapes?" The clerk says "No we don't got any gwapes!"
Duck walks in the next day "You guys got any gwapes?" Clerk says "No we don't got any gwapes!"
Duck walks in the next day and asks "You guys got any gwapes?" Clerk says "No we don't got any gwapes, the next time you ask if we have any gwapes I'm gonna staple your feet to the floor!"
Duck walks in the next day and asks the clerk "You guys got any staples?" Clerk says "No we don't got any staples." Duck asks "You guys got any gwapes?"

2006-11-15 12:30:56 · 24 answers · asked by ambyrrox 2

This is a joke question.

2006-11-15 12:30:23 · 11 answers · asked by snowboy 3

2006-11-15 12:25:42 · 25 answers · asked by elegance382003 1

Blonde: "My husband has been transferred by his boss to another state. Where exactly IS "Sam and Tony, O'texas"?

2006-11-15 12:20:52 · 11 answers · asked by opjames 4

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

2006-11-15 11:53:34 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does the blonde say when she walks up to the YMCA?
" Look they spelt MACYS wrong "


blonde and a redhead are walking down the street when the redhead says awww look at that dog with one eye so the blonde cover her left eye and looks.




Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!



Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.

Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"

Yo mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

2006-11-15 11:47:05 · 11 answers · asked by tinkerbell03 2

I told Jess that Jo bob and becky sue were going a squirrel huntin. Now, that der seems normal enough until you recokin that jo bob is afraids of dem squirrels... so by therefore telling Jess that jo bob was a huntin dem dere squirrels, I pretty much told her to go and ask to join them...which poses a huge problems cause Jess is a friend of someone scary and that someone scary is a vampire. So, the vampire will want to go too....cough...which is why i'm saying

fuel the army dot com

2006-11-15 11:46:19 · 13 answers · asked by http://fuelthearmy.com 1

2006-11-15 11:40:05 · 17 answers · asked by ed g 1

2006-11-15 11:39:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman stumbles into the golf course clubhouse, grimacing in pain. "What happened?" the club pro asks.
"I got stung by a bee," she replies.
"Where?"
"Between the first and second holes."
"Hmmm," murmurs the pro. "Sounds like your stance was a little too wide."

2006-11-15 11:33:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

How to keep a dumb blonde occupied:
Scroll down:
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Scroll Up

2006-11-15 11:33:12 · 24 answers · asked by tinkerbell03 2

2006-11-15 11:33:00 · 5 answers · asked by Turtle 2

Can you translate this into a sentence. 1002 04180

2006-11-15 11:31:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

If any one has a good joke i'll rate them for best answer. Please i am so depresed right now. : (

2006-11-15 11:31:05 · 11 answers · asked by Emochick 2

If any one has a good joke i'll rate them for best answer. Please i am so depresed right now. : (

2006-11-15 11:30:56 · 5 answers · asked by Emochick 2

2006-11-15 11:28:22 · 14 answers · asked by ed g 1

Please follow the instructions below carefully. WRITE DOWN ALL YOUR ANSWERS!!!!

1. Think of a number between 1 and 10.
2. Multiply the number by 9.
3. Add the digits of your result.
4. Subtract 5 from your new number.
6. Find the letter that corresponds to your number,
if 1 = A, 2=B, 3 = C, etc.
7. Think of a country that begins with your letter.
8. Write down your country.

9. Think of an animal beginning with the SECOND letter of your
country.
10. Think of the color of that animal.
11. Write down the animal and its color.

12. Think of an animal that begins with the last letter of your
country
13. Think of a fruit that begins with the last letter of this second
animal
14. Write down the fruit and the animal.
**************************************************** ***************************************************
**************************************************
*************************************************
************************************************
***********************************************
**********************************************
***********WHAT DID YOU GET?*****************

You probably answered
Denmark, elephant, Gray, Kangoroo, Orange!! Right?

Sadly, Denmark is an unlikely place to find gray elephants and orange kangaroos.
And so is Djibouti.

http://hive-mind.com/mindgames/

2006-11-15 11:22:44 · 16 answers · asked by jloren 2