Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

2006-11-16 05:46:54 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

a turkey last in the freezer. Because I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-16 05:38:42 · 19 answers · asked by Shredder 6

What's yellow and green and goes hum-ding?

2006-11-16 05:37:23 · 6 answers · asked by mjbayunl 2

an Indian with pink hair.


Ghandi floss.


sorry.... its not a racial slur.. just a joke...

2006-11-16 05:36:17 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

If two lesbians and two gay guys were going to the beach, who would get there first?
the gay guys, they already had their sh*t packed

2006-11-16 05:36:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

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God said to Adam, "I've got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a penis. The bad news... I've only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"


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Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice ****! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

2006-11-16 05:35:23 · 11 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

Be funny, no copy and paste (i can tell). Short ones or long, it don't matter. Cheer me and all the other sad people up, cmon.

2006-11-16 05:31:07 · 23 answers · asked by Wocka wocka 6

How do you fit four gay guys on a bar stool?
turn it upside down

2006-11-16 05:28:29 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call a gay dinosaur?
A megasoreass

2006-11-16 05:19:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any clue guys/gals?

2006-11-16 05:17:46 · 11 answers · asked by Kris T 1

and says to a girl, " Do you believe in the hereafter" Yes i guess so" she replies
" Good then you know what i'm hereafter."..

What do you call a sleepwalking nun.....a roaming catholic

Why are bankers good in bed. Because they know what the penalty is for an early withdrawal...

2006-11-16 05:17:27 · 11 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A redheaded lady goes into the Doctors.

"Everytime I touch a certain part of my body I scream in pain." she tells him.

The Doc looks at her ands asks her to show him what she means.

The lady touches her head, "aarrhh" she screams in pain, she touches her leg and then her arm and again she screams in pain!

The Doc says, " You havent always been a red head have you?"

She replies, "No I used to be blonde, Why?"

The Doc replies, "You've broken your finger you stupid cow!!!"

(no offence to blondes, I just thought this joke was amusing)

2006-11-16 05:09:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went to a foreign country, when he came back, they had to burn all of his clothes, where did he go?

Nobody I know gets it! It's worded exactly as it appears on the test, anyone?

2006-11-16 05:02:30 · 7 answers · asked by green-eyed monster 2

Preacher was talking to one of the men in the congregation when in walked a lady and she sat down in a pew with her legs open, the preacher asked the man, "is that tootie Green"?, the man said no, that's just how the light is shining on it"

2006-11-16 04:59:19 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.







He whispered, "I'M LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."



The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.


Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY."




So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.


IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS?





OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON





















































SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST HOLIDAY INN SHE COULD FIND.

She's old....NOT DEAD!!!!!

2006-11-16 04:50:43 · 11 answers · asked by akelaamy 5

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

2006-11-16 04:48:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I will seek and find u and shall take u 2 bed 2 have my way with you.I will make u ache,shake,sweat,untill you moan and groan,I will make you beg 4 mercy and pray 4 me 2 stop. I will exhaust you 2 the point that you will be relieved when i'm finished with you,And when i'm finished you will be weak at the knees 4 days .

All my love the FLU x

2006-11-16 04:44:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

um in center stage when Maureen goes out for her first date with that guy, they are bowling. anyway someone tells a joke that starts off about a mnkey in the jungle with a thorn in his foot, does anyone know that joke????????

2006-11-16 04:43:13 · 1 answers · asked by lucy_goose 3

lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

2006-11-16 04:43:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

2006-11-16 04:40:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-16 04:32:54 · 34 answers · asked by freddy197120032003 3

There's this gay guy sitting at a table in a bar having a beer, when this big fat sweaty construction worker walks in and says to the bartender "I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat from a cows balls, and the gay guy goes "MOOO"

2006-11-16 04:21:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Asian lady come in asking for me to recommend a good Port. I said "Dover". Do you think this is unfair dismissal?

2006-11-16 04:21:40 · 14 answers · asked by Ally 5

2006-11-16 04:14:43 · 5 answers · asked by Cassandra R 1

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You Know You Overdid Thanksgiving When....

Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.

Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."

That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.

Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.

2006-11-16 04:13:59 · 6 answers · asked by kingkong9274 3

Somebody is gonna lose a trailer!

2006-11-16 04:11:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lancashire folk. A bloke gets a head stone for his recently departed wife, he tells the stone mason "this what i want on it".
She once was mine but now shes is thine. A week later he goes to see it and it says "thin" instead of thine. He tells the bloke oi you missed a bit off the wifes head stone. Sorry he says i'll sort it. The bloke goes to check a couple of days later and it says
She once was mine but now shes thine "E" she were thin!!!!!

2006-11-16 04:00:58 · 12 answers · asked by Shredder 6

What do you call a gay vegetarian?
"salad shooter"

2006-11-16 03:57:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Thanks.

2006-11-16 03:44:33 · 9 answers · asked by Balan 1

For his wife's birthday party,a,doctor ordered a cake with his inscription : "You are getting older,You are getting better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged,he said,"Just put 'you are not getting older' at the top and 'You are just getting better'at the bottom"

It wasn't untill the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read :

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM".

2006-11-16 03:35:51 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous