Here's the deal... Person who says the funniest thing wins!!!!!!!?

Question

Be funny, no copy and paste (i can tell). Short ones or long, it don't matter. Cheer me and all the other sad people up, cmon.

Answer 1

2 young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope & appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men & I'd like to give you a 2nd chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend & try to show others the evils of drug use & get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the 2 guys were in court & the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?" " I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew 2 circles like this O o & told them this (big circle) is your brain before drugs & this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable!" said the judge. "And you - how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage that?" "Well, I used a similar approach. (Draws 2 circles) I said, (pointing to the small circle) 'this is your a$$hole before prison...'"

Answer 2

Well This isn't funny but It will (if you believe in God) Cheer you up and maybe get a different perspective on whatever has you down:
The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned
to their first ministry, to reopen a church
in suburban Brooklyn , arrived in early October
excited about their opportunities. When they saw
their church, it was very run down and needed
much work. They set a goal to have everything
done in time to have their first service
on Christmas Eve.

They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls,
painting, etc, and on December 18
were ahead of schedule and just about finished.

On December 19 a terrible tempest - a driving
rainstorm hit the area and lasted for two days.


On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church.
His heart sank when he saw that the roof had
leaked, causing a large area of plaster about
20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the
sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about
head high.

The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor,
and not knowing what else to do but postpone
the Christmas Eve service, headed home.


On the way he noticed that a local business was
having a flea market type sale for charity so he
stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful,
handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth
with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross
embroidered right in the center. It was just
the right size to cover up the hole in the front
wall. He bought it and headed back to the church.

By this time it had started to snow. An older
woman running from the opposite direction was
trying to catch the bus.. She missed it. The pastor
invited her to wait in the warm church for
the next bus 45 minutes later.

She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor
while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put
up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor
could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and
it covered up the entire problem area.

Then he noticed the woman walking down the center
aisle. Her face was like a sheet.. "Pastor,"
she asked, "where did you get that tablecloth?"
The pastor explained. The woman asked him to check
the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into
it there. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had
made this tablecloth 35 years before, in Austria

The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor
told how he had just gotten the Tablecloth. The
woman explained that before the war she and
her husband were well-to-do people in Austria .

When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave.
Her husband was going to follow her the next week.
He was captured, sent to prison and never saw her
husband or her home again.

The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth;
but she made the pastor keep it for the church.
The pastor insisted on driving her home, that
was the least he could do.. She lived on the other
side of Staten Island and was only in Brooklyn
for the day for a housecleaning job.

What a wonderful service they had on Christmas
Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the
spirit were great. At the end of the service, the
pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door
and many said that they would return.

One older man, whom the pastor recognized
from the neighborhood continued to sit in one of the
pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he
wasn't leaving.

The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on
the front wall because it was identical to one
that his wife had made years ago when
they lived in Austria before the war and how
could there be two tablecloths so much alike.

He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he
forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was
supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and
put in a prison.. He never saw his wife or his home
again all the 35 years in between.

The pastor asked him if he would allow him to
take him for a little ride. They drove to Staten
Island and to the same house where the pastor
had taken the woman three days earlier.

He helped the man climb the three flights of
stairs to the woman's apartment, knocked on
the door and he saw the greatest Christmas
reunion he could ever imagine.


True Story - submitted by Pastor Rob Reid
Who says God does not work in mysterious ways..
I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for
you today, to guide you and protect you as you go
along your way. His love is always with you, His
promises are true, and when we give Him all our
cares you know He will see us through.

So when the road you're traveling on seems
difficult at best.. Just remember I'm here
praying and God will do the rest. Pass this on
to those you want God to bless and don't forget
to send it back to the one who asked God to bless
you first.

Answer 3

you recognize the undesirable ingredient about the "Gabby Douglas Hair" thingy? maximum those who were making interesting of her or criticizing her coiffure are black individuals. Olympics isn't a way instruct for god's sake. i did not even see something incorrect with hair. i'm confident she does care about what people imagine about her, she's 16 years previous, and that i'm confident she's wakeful about what others imagine about her.

Answer 4

awww your sad and from Hawaii now I'm sad too. umm make you laugh lets see
well I was taking a nap on day while my son was playing in his room he was about 2 any way he comes running in the room saying mommy mommy i pooped, no thinking i said okay honey mommy will change you (he was wearing a diaper). so I'm half in and out of sleep and my hand is hanging off the bed so my son comes over and puts his Poppy diaper in my hand. I jumped up screaming eww he had it all over him and by now me too. that's my funny home story. yet its not I got 2 kids so stuff like this always happens to me I've been pooped on 4 times and peed on more then 9 times and threw up on more times then i can count



that not funny my sons first word was sh** and his first sentence was shake your booty no tell me thats not a player.


I once fliped a guy over my sholder that was behind my he was about 6'4 and over 250 he just laid on the ground looking at me in suprice and said how did your little a** do that I was 5'0 and 120lb i told him ya well dinamites small but you dont wanto light it and keep it by you.

Answer 5

Many years ago I was caught in bed by my wife with another female. I had a great plan (b/c she suspected I was cheating-the nerve) just in case she would come home early and check on me. I put an ironing board up across the front door, thinking this would A. Prevent her from opening the door B. Even if she did get in I would have a little time. Well neither one worked and she came into my house like an ATF agent! I was busted. My sad ironing board trick was a wash out. So, she came directly in the bedroom and I had the nerve to tell her it was all a joke and surprise. Took about 3 years for her to get over it. :(

Answer 6

ATTENTION Please!


Good horoscopes:

These days people are being more believers on horoscopes and astrology.
Here was a man of this kind who wanted to start this all on a monday.
So on monday, he lifted the paper on which there was written
"Dear Leo,
Today is the day when you will get a huge sum of money and fame as a surprise."
He waited till midnight but didn't get anything.
On tuesday, he lifted the paper and was written
"Dear Leo,
Today is the day when you will meet a beautiful, adorable girl as a surprise."
He thought "what about money, i'm gonna meet a beautiful girl"
He waited all day long, but didn't meet anyone
Now came the Wednesday and this man, with last hopes, lifted the paper which says,
"Dear Leo,
Today is the day when you will be really surprised to know that someone is fooling you since the last two days."
____________________________________________________

Bin Laden :

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.
Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.
No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.
With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."
____________________________________________________

Old farts :

An old man is riding in a lift with two glamorous women. One woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag and sprays her neck. She turns to the other woman and says, "Romance by Ralph Lauren...£150 an ounce."
The other woman takes a perfume bottle out of her bag, sprays herself, and says, "Chanel No.5...£200 an ounce"
The lift stops and the doors open.
The old man steps out and lets off a huge rumbling fart. As the doors close he looks back at them and ays..."Broccoli, 49p a pound."
____________________________________________________

Brilliant Rocky :

This man Rocky is ready to join the suicide terrorist group.
After his whole training course, he goes for his first mission to the US with all equipments.
When surrounded by 10 US soldiers, he talks to the leader, asking, "Can i do it now? They are ten."
The leader says, "No, wait until they increase"
Rocky again calls, saying, "They are now twenty five, can i do it now?"
The leader says, "just wait until more come."
After some time, Rocky again calls, saying, "They are about hundred now. Can i do it now?"
The leader says, "Go ahead, child. Don't worry about your family. We'll provide them every useful help."
Rocky, with a deep sigh, takes out the knife from his bag and stabs himself in the chest.
____________________________________________________

Answer 7

Okay, true story from my high school days.

The guy I was dating was 6'2 and around 200 lbs. (I was 5'4 and 115lbs) He had a younger brother who was a little smaller, and very laid back, didn't talk a lot (We'll call him LF). One day I walked into the cafeteria and a guy we all know was looking me up and down (he was pretty cheesy) and says, appreciatively, "Giiirl, you've got curves!" and LF, who was sitting at a nearby table, puts his book down and says to him, "If my brother hears you say that, you'll have KINKS."
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#2-- This one is about my eldest daughter (I have 4 kids--boy-13, girl-10, boy-4, girl-2). When I was expecting my son who is now 4, my husband and I bought a 'Where did I come from?'-type book to explain about the baby to the older two, who were then about 8 and 6. In the book, they explained sex by calling it a 'special cuddle' between the mommy and the daddy. Well, around the same time (I was about 6 months pregnant and clearly showing) , our daughter, who was 6, asked why she can't just walk into our bedroom without knocking first and I said, "Well, you never know if Mommy & Daddy are having some private time. Maybe even a special cuddle!" ( I was trying to deter her) - And she tilts her head to the side as if I were insulting her intelligence and says, "Mo-ooom...We know the special cuddle already happened..."
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Last one: About 6 years ago, my husband and I took our kids camping. The same daughter from the last story features again, but at this time she was only about 4. Well, she and her brother were in an adjoining tent from ours, separated by a zippered flap, so all the sounds travel freely. At about 6 in the morning they wake up and are chattering away, oblivious to the fact that we are still trying to get some sleep, and finally we have had enough. My husband tells them that they can either read or colour, but that they have to be quiet. He says, "We don't want to hear ANOTHER THING from you two for another half hour!" and then from the other side of the flap, my daughter chimes in happily, "Except for colouriiing!"

Too funny. You know, I think I'll copy and repost these as a separate 'question'. A few people might get a kick out of it.

Answer 8

There was a guy in the news the other day, he got bit by a shark. And the shark let him go. He was telling the story to Channel 13, and they brought him back to the beach.

(Which is just where he wants to f-ing be...right.... anywhere near the ocean again)

And the news reporter was like, "What happened? Why did the shark attack you? Were you taunting it?"
I would have said " Yeah, I go in the sea sometimes just to f*ck around with the sharks. I have this thing called a Shark Rocket, I shoot it at them and it really annoys them. Then I just wade there in the water and they come at me. But I'm really good at eluding them! I know this hip move, it's something porpoises do and I then I pretend that I have a bottleneck like a dolphin and I stab them in the gills. And it really is effective......"
But the news ladie went on..."How did you get away?"
And he said " I just punched it and it let me go."
And im like...."WAIT! Let's recap this. A f-ing shark comes through the water...right and this guy is just sitting their on his board like..."Hey!" waving 2 him and everything..... The f-ing shark goes over to this guy...bites, this guy punches it in the face and a shark throws its fins up and screams "ALRIGHT! Damn it!"

And you tell me there's no time in your life when you swim faster than when a f-ing shark lets you go.

I saw this homeless guy n this homeless chick, and they were like making out..... At one point, this other guy walked by and yelled, "Get a box!"...it was fantastical!

Answer 9

There was a guy in a bar drinking his "special"
A lady came in and he was like, "hey bartender, hit me with another of my specials"
The lady asked what was so special about the drink he was drinking.
He claimed it could make him fly.
He could tell the lady didn't believe him so he says, "i bet you 100 dollars i could jump out this 3rd floor window, and fly back in".
She took the bet and watched, amazed, as the guy ran and jumped out of the window without a second thought.
She ran to the window and looked at the street below, and didn't see anything.
She ran back to the bar, puzzled.
A few minutes later, the man flew back in.
The lady was stunned and asked him how he did it.
"My special Drink" was his reply.
So she orders one of the "special drinks" the man was talking about, and decided to jump out the window and fly herself.
She took off running and jumped out the window.
The lady hit the ground
The bartender says, "superman, you're such an a**hole when you drink"

Answer 10

A redhead, a brunette and a blond are shipwrecked together on a desert island for five years. One day a bottle washes ashore and they all gather around and uncork it. A genie comes out of it in a billow of smoke and tells the three women he will grant them one wish each.

The redhead replies, "Well, I've been on this island for the past five years and I really miss my home in the USA. I wish I were back home." "Granted", says the genie, and the redhead disappears.

"I've been here for the last five years also," remarks the brunette, "and I miss my home in England. I wish I was back home as well." "Granted", replies the genie, and the brunette disappears.

Then the genie turns to the blond. The blond looks all around her, turns to the genie and says, "Boy, I sure do miss my two friends. I wish they were back on the island with me."