Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Getting Ian Huntley to give them a bath them First!

2006-11-17 00:41:59 · 25 answers · asked by jabelite 3

thing that goes through a flys mind when it hits your windscreen? Its A**e hole !!!!!!!!

2006-11-17 00:40:22 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

the fair ground with a coconut. He says to the wife Hey Mary look what i won on a stall a the fair. What the hell is it Paddy ? Well it's obvious ain't it, it's a Gorilla Egg.!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-17 00:36:24 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6

My 2yr old loves polar bears. Can you think of any movies that have polar bears in them?

2006-11-17 00:35:55 · 6 answers · asked by Amanda 4

What's the difference between acne and M Jackson


Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

2006-11-17 00:33:31 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from going back to sleep.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.

5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing in the first place, you fat b******s.

6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to what you want to look at.

12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.

14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply p*ssing in the sink.

21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.

25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.

27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.

29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings..

30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!

31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.

2006-11-17 00:32:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

four guys having a drink in a pub when the scottish fella says "do you know my wife and i are so patriotic when our son was born we decided to call him Andrew" and the welshman says "isnt that strange when our son was born on St Davids day we decided to call him David" , " what a coincidence" says the englishman " we had our son on St Georges day so we called him George" then Paddy pipes up "oh be Jesus do you know i was just saying to our Pancake the other day......"

2006-11-17 00:30:28 · 14 answers · asked by haz h 2

Two flies on a piece of ****
One farts
At this the other shouts...
Oi ! Aint you got no manners?...Not while I'm eating.

2006-11-17 00:27:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's on the B side to candle in the wind?

Crash Bang Wallop What a picture

2006-11-17 00:24:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you know when your sister is having her period?

Your dad's knob tastes funny

2006-11-17 00:15:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

At 3am, the manager of the local fisherman's club receives a phone call at home from a man who sounds quite drunk. The man asks the manager, 'What time does the club open?'. The manager says, Noon and he hangs up. An hour later the phone rings again and the same voice asks, 'What time does the club open.
At 6.30 the phone rings and the same voice asks, 'Wenja shay the club opens at?. The manager now quite peeved, yells, i told you before it opnes at noon. And if you don't sober up, you won't be allowed to get in. The slurry drunken voice then says. Ah don't wanna get in, I wanna get out.

A drunken fisherman was seen crawling down some railroad tracks. Asked if there was a problem, he replied, Yeah can you help me off this ladder

2006-11-17 00:12:25 · 17 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

Q: Did you hear about the man who got his
viagra and his sleeping tablets mixed up?


A: He ended up going for 40 wanks.

2006-11-17 00:05:35 · 24 answers · asked by leila b 2

2006-11-16 22:24:49 · 15 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

2006-11-16 22:22:29 · 13 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

2006-11-16 22:21:29 · 9 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

2006-11-16 22:20:01 · 13 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

Two friends were talking and one admitted to the other he was worried as he had a green ring round his willy. His friend told him to go to the doctor but he was worried as the doctor was a family friend and might tell his parents.
His mate told him not to be silly and that the doctor was the soul of discetion. How do you know he asked?
A few weeks ago I went to doctor as I had a red ring round my willy, he got some liquid out and wiped it over the ring and it disappeared like magic and he didn't tell anyone.
So he went to the doctor, dropped his trousers ,at which point the he tutted, shook his head and said he could do nothing for him. But you cured my friend when he came in with a red ring!!!
Yes said the doctor, but there is a difference between lipstick and gangrene.

2006-11-16 22:18:30 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do you want a spoon ? "The dogs been sick and the babys eaten all the lumps"

2006-11-16 22:07:48 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

army, the Doctor told me to drop my pants for an examination. Ater he had a look at me he said your'e a bit small down there arn't you. I said why is that a problem, I thought we only had to fight them.!!!!!!!!

2006-11-16 22:06:22 · 13 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-11-16 22:05:36 · 16 answers · asked by albert d 2

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and
hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p i s s before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm saying' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine?
Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

2006-11-16 21:58:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A child walks in to the living room and asks "Dad, where does Poo come from?" Without wanting to be too explicit the father replies "Well, son. First Mummy makes us dinner. Then we eat it. Then the body takes away all the goodness from the food to make us strong. Then we sit on the toilet and what's left comes out as poo".
Looking stunned and somewhat upset the child replies, "And what about Tigger?"

2006-11-16 21:57:24 · 14 answers · asked by lataliano 3

if 70% of accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?!

2006-11-16 21:56:34 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a young boy from jamaica,
whos ambition was being a baker,
when he was cooking his bun,
and his bread by the ton,
he bent over his assistant and raped her!
then he went to jail.
it's wrong to rape!

2006-11-16 21:52:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two jungle tribes men go out hunting with their blow darts.
They go their separate ways & return to find each other again.

Jungle man 1: "What you shoot?”
Jungle man 2: “Me shoot Lion, me shoot buffalo, me shoot elephant!" ,
"What you shoot?”
Jungle man 1: "Me shoot No-no!".
Jungle man 2: "No-no?", "what kind of animal is No-no?"
Jungle man 1: “New kind", Two legged animal with small trunk, pants around ankles, jump out of bush, waving hands, shouting: no! no!".

2006-11-16 21:50:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This kid's sitting on a curb crying and a priest passes and says, "My son why are you crying? The kid says, "I want to see Jesus". The priest says, "One day you will get your chance". The kid says, "I want to see him right now". The priest says, "Just have faith & your day will come" and he walks on. The kid resumes crying. A drunk passes and says, "Hey kid why you crying". The reply, "I want to see Jesus right now". The drunk says, "Well I'm Jesus". The kid says, "You're not Jesus, you're drunk". The reply, "Oh yes I am and, if you come with me I'll prove it to you". He takes the kid into the nearest bar, the bartender turns around and says, "Jesus Christ, you here again".

2006-11-16 21:49:50 · 3 answers · asked by The professor 4

there once was a great mr lover,
upon which all women would smother,
but things came to a head,
when he took up to bed,
a woman who was his very own mother!

2006-11-16 21:49:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The three wise men arrived to visit the child
lying in the manger. One of the wise men was
exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the
low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph
"It's better than Derek."

2006-11-16 21:44:43 · 18 answers · asked by leila b 2

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the
moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important
person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise,
the man that wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at the age
of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him
into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And that's when the
trouble started.

2006-11-16 21:37:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three drunks went to a brothel, the madam sitting on the porch see's them coming and calls one of the girls to run upstairs and inflate a love doll. The girl questions this and the madam reassures her it will be fine as they are so drunk they wont be able to tell the difference with the light off. the drunks arrive and the madam shows them to the parlor and says the girl will take them one at a time. First drunk goes upstairs and about half an hour later comes downstairs other 2 asked how was it? He says it was a bit cold and stiff but worth for a show, so the second drunk goes up about half an hour later he comes downstairs and the other drunk asks him, how was it, he too said , it was a bit cold and dead but it was a Ok.
So the third drunk goes up and returns about 45 seconds later,
the other drunks said damn man that sure was a quick trip what the hell happened?
He says, oh that bit*ch, I bent down to give her a bite and she farted and flew out the window !!!!

2006-11-16 21:36:41 · 9 answers · asked by Pd 6