Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

In the early hours of the morning, it was about 5 miles away.
After 3 miles he felt desperate to use to loo, but knew it was still 2 miles, so he picked up the pace.
By the time the station came into veiw he was clenching his buttocks he went straight to a cubicle and sat down.
And wouldnt you know it, he couldnt go, 5 mins, nothing 15 mins still no luck. Strain as he might, Nothing.
He was still trying, when in the distance he heard footsteps, running, faster and faster, getting louder and closer,straight towards the Loo, then he heard the outer door slam open, hurried steps past his cubicle, the next door slammed open, then slammed closed, the bolt was shot across, the loo seat slammed down, and he heard Fwwwaaaartttsssshhh, as the guy next door emptied his bowels.
"Blimey mate" said the first guy, "I wish that was me"
The voice from the next cubicle said " I wish it was you to mate, I havent got my bloody trousers down yet"

2006-11-17 05:38:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I wonder who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, "I'm going to eat the first thing that comes out of its butt."

2006-11-17 05:36:16 · 8 answers · asked by uroplatis 1

Two ladies, who hadn't seen each other in
quite some time, met at the supermarket.

"How are you, Helen?"

"Fine."

"And your husband?"

"Oh, Karl died two weeks ago."

"What? I hadn't heard. What happened?"

"He went out in the garden to dig up a cabbage
for dinner, had a heart attack and fell over, dead."

"I'm sorry. What did you do?"

"Opened a can of corn instead."

2006-11-17 05:34:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.
The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude as to stare, the young man whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse, and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand.
She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

2006-11-17 05:34:15 · 17 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

2006-11-17 05:29:55 · 12 answers · asked by your pete 4

. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason
why we observe "Daylight Saving Time."

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of
humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.

4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government are
entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

6. A penny saved is worthless.

7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace
in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward
the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few
microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter
enemies.

8. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.

9. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we
all believe that we are above-average drivers.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.

11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

12. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.

13. There apparently exists, somewhere in Los Angeles, a computer that
generates concepts for television sitcoms. When TV executives need a new
concept, they turn on this computer; after sorting through millions of possible
plot premises, it spits out, "THREE QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN
AN APARTMENT," and the executives turn this concept into a show. The next time
they need an idea, the computer spits out, "SIX QUIRKY BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG
PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." Then the next time, it spits out, "FOUR QUIRKY
BUT ATTRACTIVE YOUNG PEOPLE LIVING IN AN APARTMENT." And so on. We need to
locate this computer and destroy it with hammers.

14. Nobody is normal.

15. At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited
and announce that:
- The universe is even bigger than they thought!
- There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
- Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

16. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not
achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be:
"meetings."

17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is
to annoy people who are not in them.

18. The value of advertising is that it tells you the exact opposite of what
the advertiser actually thinks. For example:
- If the advertisement says "This is not your father's Oldsmobile," the
advertiser is desperately concerned that this Oldsmobile, like all other
Oldsmobile’s, appeals primarily to your father.
- If Coke and Pepsi spend billions of dollars to convince you that there are
significant differences between these two products, both companies realize that
Pepsi and Coke are virtually identical.
- If an advertisement shows a group of cool, attractive youngsters getting
excited and high-fiving each other because the refrigerator contains Sunny
Delight, the advertiser knows that any real youngster who reacted in this way to
this beverage would be considered by his peers to be the world's biggest dip.
- And so on those rare occasions when advertising dares to poke fun at the
product - as in the classic Volkswagen Beetle campaign - it's because the
advertiser actually thinks the product is pretty good. If a politician ever ran
for president under a slogan such as "Harlan Frubert: Basically, He Wants
Attention," I would quit my job to work for his campaign.

19. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its
glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as
His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

20. You should not confuse your career with your life.

21. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person.

22. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.

23. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often,
that individual is crazy.

24. Your friends love you anyway.

25. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

2006-11-17 05:29:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt
nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the
lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody
will see you."

So Little Johnny hauled *** for the door. Less than a minute later, he
returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his
young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom.

Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE
SICK.''

2006-11-17 05:25:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?"

"No," replied, the policeman, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

2006-11-17 05:23:29 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman,Irishman and scotsman were hungry one night and had money only 4 a small pie.Since it was small 2 divide they decided to go to sleep and the Pie would go 2 the person who had the most interesting dream.
When they woke up in the morning,The Englishman said,'I had a very interesting dream.I dreamed i was a ruler over the whole world.You carn't get more interesting than that,so i deserve the pie.'
'Hold it ,'said The Scotsman.'I dreamed i was a ruler over The whole universe,so that pie belongs 2 me.'
'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman .' I dreamed i was hungry , so i got up and ate The pie.'

2006-11-17 05:17:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

2006-11-17 05:17:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

2006-11-17 05:16:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a riddle: There is something people do up to 90 times a day, what is it? First correct answer wins 10 points!

2006-11-17 05:07:38 · 3 answers · asked by prairiegurrl 5

came in the pub and said Hey Brent I got a woman in the van out back, i was just about to split her whiskers when the bloody mobile went off and iv'e got to go. Do you want to take over, its dark out back so she won't know we've swapped. Great i said and off i went. After about ten minutes in the van a copper shone his torch through the window and said hey what are you two doing. I said do you mind i'm making love to my wife. Sorry he said I didn't know it was your wife! I didn't either till you shone that bloody torch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-17 05:00:48 · 16 answers · asked by Shredder 6

To surprise his bride the groom wanted to take her shopping before the wedding. Knowing she had little time to alter her dress she decided to ask her mom; " Mom would you alter my dress for me?" Mom replied "I've got errands to run leave it on the bed & I'll take care of it when I get back" Fustrated the bride asked her grma; "Will you alter my dress for me", Grma replied "I've got errands to run leave it on the bed & I'll take care of it when I return." Exasperated the bride altered the dress , while awaiting her shopping trip. When finished she laid it on the bed & left. Soon mom returned, alterd the dress & returned it to the bed. Grma returned as well, altered the dress & returned it to the bed. The couple returned from shopping excited & the groom suggest they try on there wedding outfits they both argee only if there's no peeking. Standing in one corner the groom has his pants around his ankles, the bride holds up the dress & says:


"It's so small & Wrinkled".

2006-11-17 04:58:46 · 8 answers · asked by ccraig1973a 1

She slipped off and fell down the drain.

2006-11-17 04:56:53 · 12 answers · asked by freddy197120032003 3

In a marathon, you overtake the person in last place which positon are you in now?

2006-11-17 04:48:18 · 13 answers · asked by Doc M 3

A teenage grand-daughter comes downstairs for her date with a see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that. The teenager tells her, "Loosen up, Granny, these are modern times, you've got to let your rosebuds show", and she goes out.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate. The grandmother just smiles and says, "Loosen up, Sweetie, if you can show off your rosebuds then I can display my hanging baskets."

2006-11-17 04:43:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man walks into a bar. he said ouch. what comes first to mind?????????

2006-11-17 04:41:47 · 7 answers · asked by sam 2

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, "That's two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one
of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see
if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's
a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge
clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes off.

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay"
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has asked me to announce that
he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could
just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess.
I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks,
in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up *****."
________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Wal*Mart & The Toaster

A middle aged woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter
and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster
she bought because it won't work.

The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund
because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and
starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY
NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
in front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager goes to the woman and asks, "Ma'am what's
wrong?"

She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE
tells her that he can't give her a refund because she
bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air
and starts screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY
NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!"

And doing so draws an even bigger crowd.

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are
you saying that?"

In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY
NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and her money was
quickly refunded.

2006-11-17 04:39:54 · 11 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty m.p.h., the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing but slowly increases to seventy m.p.h. He then says, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend and she's a better lover than you." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.

"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up to eighty m.p.h. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety m.p.h. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts and all the credit cards too,". The wife slowly starts to veer towards a bridge overpass piling.

This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No I have got everything I need."

"Oh really," he says, "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at one hundred m.p.h., the wife smiles and says, "THE AIRBAG

2006-11-17 04:36:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of blind people were going to the seaside for a day trip on their arrival they asked their guide if they could go down to the beach to play football the guide asked how are you going to play football your blind ? they answered it's simple we have a ball with a bell in it so we know were it is ok said the guide any problems I will be in th pub across the road after about an hour a man came rushing in the pub and asked is there anyone in here in charge of the blind people on the beach yes said the guide me well you better come quick because they are kicking the S**T out of the morris dancers

2006-11-17 04:33:02 · 9 answers · asked by cliffhanger 4

Once upon a time there were two brothers.
One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble.
The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life.
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close.
The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.
The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
One day the evil brother died.
Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away.
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife.
One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?
He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.
"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."
"You can see him if you wish", God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

2006-11-17 04:27:59 · 7 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

THE 6 BEST SMART *** ANSWERS OF 2006

SMART *** ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.

"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.



SMART *** ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."



SMART *** ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



SMART *** ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without
a ticket.



SMART *** ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that

reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."



SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.

I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her
head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your
other hand."

2006-11-17 04:27:05 · 9 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

Joke The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

2006-11-17 04:24:41 · 11 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

This bloke came into my local store and asked if anyone wanted decking, well I got the first punch in!

2006-11-17 04:21:36 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Seen in Dublin newspaper:
Prize crossword,solve it and win £20,000 plus a holiday for 2 in Paris.

4 those who r playing 4 fun,the answers r on page 14.


Sign on the coast road by a small Sligo village:
'When u carn't read the sign,the road is flooded.


'I want some 6 by 4 timber 4 my new barn,'said cassid
'We don't call it that now,'said the DIY manager.'since we've gone metric you have to ask for 15.2cms by 10.16cms.And if u want any it's two pound a foot


Father Francis it was who stubbed his toe and stummbled while baptising a child, and henceforrth the boy was known as Thomas oops McNaily.'

2006-11-17 04:21:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

i know the answer i just wanna see who else knows it

2006-11-17 04:18:16 · 14 answers · asked by Kingofkingsofkings 3

if 12 D of C = 12 days of christmas what are the answers to these
240 P in a P D P?
32 D F at W W F?
21 T N of S on a D?

2006-11-17 04:11:12 · 6 answers · asked by paul b 2

A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, "Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."

2006-11-17 04:10:46 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-17 04:08:43 · 9 answers · asked by steven 2