Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.

2006-11-17 08:51:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.

What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.

2006-11-17 08:50:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-17 08:50:48 · 6 answers · asked by Roy S 3

1,Pass My Shotgun

2,Psychotic Mood Shift

3,Perpetual Munching Spree

4,Puffy Mid Section

5,Provide Me with Sweets

6,Pardon My Sobbing

7,Pass My Suitcase

8,Purchase More Shoes

9,People May Suffer

10,Pimples May Surface

11,Pass My Sweat pants

12,Pissy Mood Syndrome

13, Plainly - Men Suck

14, People Make me Sick

15, Putting up with Men's $hit

and my favourite...

16, Potential Murder Suspect! :)

2006-11-17 08:49:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A state trooper sees a car puttering along at
22 mph and thinks, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he pulls the car over. There are four elderly ladies in the car, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver says,

"Officer, what seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you should know that driving under the speed limit can be a danger to other drivers."
"I was doing the speed limit exactly - 22 miles an hour!" the old lady says. The trooper, trying not to laugh, explains to her that 22 is the route number not the speed limit. The woman grins sheepishly and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, ma'am, are the other ladies okay? They seem shaken and haven't uttered a peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be fine in a minute." The driver says, "we just got
off Route 119."

2006-11-17 08:47:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

2006-11-17 08:45:45 · 9 answers · asked by zombye11219@sbcglobal.net 1

A homo was upstairs having a nice hot bath. When he came downstairs he found his boyfriend with his ar-e in the fridge. What are you doing he asked?
Well I knew you were having a bath and thought you would like to come down and slip into something cool.

2006-11-17 08:45:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Employee: Boss can I have the day off tommorow?

Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

2006-11-17 08:45:02 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.

2006-11-17 08:44:58 · 2 answers · asked by zombye11219@sbcglobal.net 1

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

2006-11-17 08:44:32 · 3 answers · asked by zombye11219@sbcglobal.net 1

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

2006-11-17 08:44:05 · 2 answers · asked by zombye11219@sbcglobal.net 1

1,Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2,He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3,Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4,Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

5,It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

6,If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

7,Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

8,Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

9,The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

10,A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

11,When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!

2006-11-17 08:43:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your *****
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip this on up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her

2006-11-17 08:43:12 · 5 answers · asked by Bella 2

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

2006-11-17 08:34:54 · 11 answers · asked by warrior12400 1

I had a peanut stuck in my left ear, if you lay on your right side the doctor said, i shall pour hot chocolate down your right ear and the peanut will come out a treat!!

2006-11-17 08:34:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I didn't use profanity, ok, they were making fun of homo's but they didn't erase all the jokes making fun of gays, why just erase two?, were they more horrible?.

2006-11-17 08:32:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Scotsman stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore. The Scotsman helps the woman and welcomes her to the island.

Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?"
The Scotsman explains that he most certainly did smoke before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.


A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?"
The Scotsman explains that he most certainly did drink before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a flask from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together.

Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for ten years without a woman, huh?"
"That's right," says the Scotsman.
The woman continue, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?"

"Good God woman," exclaimed the Scotsman, "you have a set of golf clubs in that bag too?!?!'

2006-11-17 08:32:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Female Comebacks!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

~~~Thanks for reading. Please vote!

2006-11-17 08:30:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Colonoscopies are no joke , but A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
2. "Can you hear me NOW?"
3. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
4. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
5. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
6. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
7. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
8. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
9. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

2006-11-17 08:29:58 · 14 answers · asked by Bella 2

A press conference is held in the run up to the world cup;
David Beckham: Yeah they are small and white, and i love the minty fresh taste of them.
Reporter shouts from the back of the room: The question was on tactics you idiot!!!

2006-11-17 08:25:42 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why Beer Is Better Than Women


* You can enjoy a beer all month long.
* Beer stains wash out.
* You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
* Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.
* If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.
* Beer is never late.
* A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
* A hangover will go away.
* Beer labels come off without a fight.
* When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
* A beer never has a headache.
* A beer will never nag you.
* A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
* If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
* A beer always goes down easy.
* You can share a beer with friends.
* You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.
* A beer is always wet.
* A beer doesn't demand equality.
* You can have a beer in public.
* A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

2006-11-17 08:19:58 · 35 answers · asked by Georgie's Girl 5

" Well i see you have an orange ****, do you work with chemicals" the doctor asked." No", i replied "the only thing i do is sit and watch adult films and eat Wotsits"

2006-11-17 08:19:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man says, when you die, i`m gonna have it engraved on your headstone, here lies my wife, cold, as ever!
The woman says, when you die, i`m gonna have it engraved on your headstone, here lies my husband, stiff at last!!!

2006-11-17 08:19:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-17 08:16:40 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-17 08:13:00 · 7 answers · asked by Roy S 3

son, when u get out of this guy u should find a little black thing and ask it:"are u an egg cell? and if it says yes go in it."

so the son sperm gets out, swims 2 a black thing and asks it the question. the black thing answers:" no, i am not an egg cell i am cavities

2006-11-17 08:07:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

a break in ,the other workers have been cleared of any involvement ,the police are baffled.

2006-11-17 08:07:06 · 14 answers · asked by clare p 3

when a streaker runs past, one has a stroke...................the other couldn`t reach.

2006-11-17 08:05:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde rings the Fire Brigade and says 'quick my house is on fire'.
The Fire Chief replies 'ok love calm down, how do we get there??.
The blonde replies 'in the big red truck stupid'

2006-11-17 08:05:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

or would it be fun

2006-11-17 08:04:38 · 18 answers · asked by ? 2