Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation.

The very proper lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "I justa tella my friend how to spella Mississippi."

2006-11-17 08:04:22 · 15 answers · asked by Georgie's Girl 5

" Im afraid the club was broken into, sir". Horrified, the manager asked, "Did they get the cups?" "No sir ," replied the policeman " they didnt go into the kitchen

2006-11-17 07:55:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

2006-11-17 07:53:19 · 15 answers · asked by Georgie's Girl 5

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

2006-11-17 07:49:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter. Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry, honey," he said. She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby." "It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long

2006-11-17 07:46:18 · 13 answers · asked by annie 5

It's one of my favourite pursuits and I'd love to have a good word to describe it.

2006-11-17 07:45:48 · 23 answers · asked by Roy S 3

Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.

Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.

Crayons With a Fragrance: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

The Epilady: Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.

Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.

Doggie Sweaters: Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

Thong underwear: Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

2006-11-17 07:43:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

He Said "Doc, I think I'm going deaf"

Doctors asks "what's the symptons?"

" A small yellow cartoon family but what's that got to do with it?"

2006-11-17 07:41:23 · 14 answers · asked by jabelite 3

2006-11-17 07:40:08 · 27 answers · asked by melucknope 1

fly over France upside down. Because there is nothing worth sh**ing on.

2006-11-17 07:31:58 · 12 answers · asked by Shredder 6

>At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
>
> when you said you had 10 inches Lord I almost died,
>
> but I'd spent oh so many years just waiting for a man that
long,
>
> that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on.
>
>
>
> But there you are, another lie,
>
> I was ready for a big Mac and you've bought me a french fry,
>
> I should have known that it was bullsh*t, just a sad pathetic
>dream,
>
> should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans.
>
>
>
> Go on now go, walk out the door,
>
> don't you promise me 10 inches then turn up with only 4,
>
> Oh weren't you a prat to think I wouldn't catch you out,
>
> don't you know we're only joking when we say size doesn't
count.
>
>
>
> Chorus:
>
> I will survive, I will survive,
>
> Cos as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive,
>
> I will always have good sex with a handful of latex,
>
> I will survive,
>

2006-11-17 07:31:45 · 20 answers · asked by Georgie's Girl 5

Cute...you should get a smile...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the lin e stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.



--

2006-11-17 07:27:13 · 10 answers · asked by Elizabeth B 2

Cute...you should get a smile...

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the lin e stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.



--

2006-11-17 07:25:52 · 9 answers · asked by Elizabeth B 2

....and being a mouse, eats it whole! Half an hour later he's roaming around the house screaming "Where's the fcuking p**sy now???!!!

2006-11-17 07:25:07 · 15 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

"They must be going to have a party downstairs."Two nuts are trying to push an organ up the passage

2006-11-17 07:24:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

"They must be going to have a party bownstairs."Two nuts are trying to push an organ up the passage

2006-11-17 07:23:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple are laying in bed.
The man says "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world".
The woman replies, "i'll miss you"

2006-11-17 07:22:04 · 21 answers · asked by Georgie's Girl 5

George W Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan Greets him at the gates and Says:
"Welcome W, I have no room for you down here but I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. You are gonna have to take someones place so I can let them go and you are gonna have to do their job for eternity and since you were the leader of the free world and one of the smartest men in America I'm even gonna let you pick who goes and what job you do"

W scratches his head and reluctantly agrees

Satan asks W to follow him and they come up on this door, Satan opens the door and Richard Nixon is diving off this 10 meter board into a pool of manure he swims to the side and climbs on the board again and dives off.. That's his job

W looks at Satan and says "I don't swim that well I really don't think I would like to do that"

So Satan tells W to follow him to this 2nd door and opens it to a huge field where Ronald Reagan is teeing up a golf ball

W's eyes light up.... he loves golf

Reagan hits a drive 350 yards it bounces a few times and plop, hole in one then a bolt of lightining comes down and hits him. He tees up another and drives it 375 yards hole in one and another bolt drills him

W shakes his head and says " Man, I love golf but that looks like it hurts like a S.O.B. I don't think I want to do that"

Satan sez that's OK I have something you might really like, he leads W to this other room where inside old Slick Willie Bill Clinton is lying on his back, buck *** naked, with his hands clasped behind his head smoking a huge Cuban cigar while Monica Lewensky is doing what she does best

W shakes his head
tells Satan "Well I think I can do that!"

Satan smiles and sez...........








"OK Monica you can go!"

2006-11-17 07:12:23 · 10 answers · asked by regg 2

2006-11-17 07:11:45 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are enjoying your breakfast after having put some salt on your scrambled eggs when your nerdy brother presents you with an ice cube floating in a glass of water and a short length of string. He challenges you to remove the ice cube from the glass using the string without tying any knots. What strategy do you use to remove the ice cube from the water glass?

2006-11-17 07:10:20 · 10 answers · asked by Lilel 4

A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN!

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry? Send this to 5 People and the answer will pop up on the screen automatically.


we have tried all day to figure out the answer at work now we are turning to you guys to find out the answer...

2006-11-17 07:04:30 · 4 answers · asked by julie43824 2

A blonde, brunette and redhead woman decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and a drink she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I'm pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.

2006-11-17 06:58:54 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. So she went to a playground, grabbed a kid, and took him behind a tree. "I've kidnapped you!", said the blonde and then proceeded to write a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and place it under the pecan tree next to the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked under the tree and surely enough, a paper bad was sitting there. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

2006-11-17 06:57:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was to stop the kids hearing the icecream van

2006-11-17 06:51:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you like the most about me....my pretty face or my sexy body?????....... The guy looks her up and down and replies.....Your sense of humour!!!!!!

2006-11-17 06:48:20 · 20 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

And decide the only way to survive is to try and walk to safety.
After the first day one of the guys, feeling that he might not make it, gets the other 2 to promise, if he dies to bury him, with stones on his eyes so that the vultures, circling overhead, wont peck his eyes out, this is agreed that whoever dies will be buried with stones over their eyes so the vultures wont peck them out.
The first guy dies, and is buried, with stones on his eyes,
After 2 days the 2nd guy dies, and the last guy buries him, with stones over his eyes, so the vultures wont peck them out.
The 3rd guy realises that there is no one to bury him, so when he thinks he can go no further, sticks his head in a hole, covers his eyes with stones, and waits to die.
A guy on a camel comes past, and seeing this ar*e sticking up, decides to make the most of the situation, and starts humping away, until he hears the voice of the guy with his head in the hole, Saying,"I dont care how hard you peck, you aint gettin my eyes!

2006-11-17 06:46:19 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

that water flows there. What am I?

2006-11-17 06:43:19 · 4 answers · asked by klara.contact 1

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the
needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a
minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is,
but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

2006-11-17 06:43:12 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

a jewish boy was born without eyelids doctors say they can operate using old foreskins but his mother was really worried that the boy would make him cockeyed

2006-11-17 06:41:12 · 17 answers · asked by tank 1

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship the Lord."
"Thank you!" the woman responds.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered.”

2006-11-17 06:39:20 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4