Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A woman went to a hardware store, and told the clerk she'd like to buy a hinge. While wrapping it the clerk asked, ""Wanna screw for this hinge?" She said "No but I'll b**w ya for that toaster."

2006-11-17 10:42:47 · 9 answers · asked by sluggo1947 4

Im seeing a guy who is a bouncer at the weekend and gets very bored. I dont think he would mind me texting him so I want to try and make him giggle by texting him a joke but im crap at them. Do any of you guys have any I can send him please. xxx

2006-11-17 10:41:59 · 18 answers · asked by Pet 1

hello, i am MYNAMEISDUKEOFEARL_STEIN,CHOCTAWS2006'S SON!(relica). oj says:im the juice! someone asks "what kind of juice are you?" oj says what?! havent you been payin attention?im OJ im orange juice. what?! did you expect me to be grape juice just cuz im black?! FUNIONS 4EVA!!!!!!!!

2006-11-17 10:36:03 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two male pensioners visit a brothel. The woman in charge instructs the girls to just take their money and give em a blow up doll each as she didnt think they would notice the difference. Both the men were placed in semi-darkened rooms with blow up dolls.
Afterwards one of the men said to the other "I think my girl was dead, she never moved or moaned the whole time" The second guy said "I think mine was a vampire, I gave her a love bite and she flew out the window!"

2006-11-17 10:34:26 · 12 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Example: Tow away zone. Street cleaning.
Chinese: No Pah King.

2006-11-17 10:34:16 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What seems odd in this picture?

http://www.unoriginal.co.uk/gallerysigns33.html

2006-11-17 10:34:11 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tooth-hurty

2006-11-17 10:10:47 · 17 answers · asked by OO7 3

an Irish Santa? Hes the one with easter eggs!!!!!

2006-11-17 10:05:19 · 8 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-11-17 09:38:57 · 31 answers · asked by england til i die 3

she feels so beautiful, being a redhead, she decides to go for a drive in the counrtyside. She saw a field, with a flock of white sheep, she got out of her convertible, and went over to the shepherd, and said she loves the lovely white sheep. She said "if i can guess how many you have in your flock, will you give me one"?
The shepherd, being a betting guy said, "your`e on, i love a good bet"
She looked at the flock, and said "368"
He gasped, and replied, "i am a man of my word, go choose one" which she did, and placed it in the back of her car.
The amused shepherd called after her, "if i can guess your true hair colour, can i have MY DOG back"?

2006-11-17 09:38:45 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Agatha's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words.

From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"

"Nothing," Agatha said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does doeb spell?"

"Nothing," Agatha answered.

This went on for several weeks.

Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?"

Agatha smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell 'Nothing'!"

2006-11-17 09:33:53 · 16 answers · asked by neha 3

2006-11-17 09:30:34 · 28 answers · asked by freddy197120032003 3

2006-11-17 09:29:24 · 3 answers · asked by Puppy Zwolle 7

A little girl ran crying to her mum asking for a glass of cider. "What do you want a glass of cider for?" asks mum. "I've cut my finger on a thorn." "So why the cider?" asks mum. "Well, I overheard my big sister saying whenever she gets a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it in cider."

2006-11-17 09:21:48 · 30 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

after finding his way to the barstool, he orders a drink, then yells to the Bartender, "hey! you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
A deathly silence tancsends the bar.
In a deep husky menacing voice, the woman sat next to him says, hey, before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and i am 200ib, and blonde with black belt in karate. Whatsmore, the woman next to me is blonde, she`s a weightlifter, and the woman on your right is blonde, a pro wrestler. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man pauses and thinks, and replies, nah, not if i`m gonna have to explain it five times.

2006-11-17 09:19:12 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per
hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at
her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65
mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out
of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best
friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently..

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This
makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"


The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph,The wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."

2006-11-17 09:12:48 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-17 09:11:03 · 7 answers · asked by The bored and hyper one 3

2006-11-17 09:09:17 · 9 answers · asked by petriw 2

2006-11-17 09:05:34 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ralph and Mary neared their 50th
wedding anniversity.

"Ralph, that is just so wonderful," said
the minister, "And in this day and age.
Could you share the secrets of such
longevity with our congregation?"

"I always treated Mary with respect,"
explained Ralph, "I spent money on her.
And, I would take her on frequent trips."

"That is just so wonderful," said the
minister, "And where would you take
your wife?"

"On our 25th anniversity, I up and took
her to Bejiing China," beamed Ralph.

"That is just so wonderful," said the
minister, "And what are you going to
do for your wife on your 50th?"

"Well," replied Ralph, "I'm fixing to
go get her."

2006-11-17 09:02:50 · 5 answers · asked by kyle.keyes 6

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tripped over the cordless phone.

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

She told someone to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign here", she wrote Sagittarius.

If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes happen around the home, she moved.

She got an AM radio. It took her 9 months to figure out that she could use it at night.

She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

So I'll pass the question to you. Is she to dumb to be blonde?

2006-11-17 09:00:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-17 08:59:53 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!

The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy!! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?

He says, "I don't care. Just get the fcuk out."

2006-11-17 08:58:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young courting couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll his lustful desire rises to a peak. He is is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to have a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods in agreement and disappears behind the hedge.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer he reaches through a gap in the foliage, his hand touching her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God Mary have you changed your sex?!" "No," she replies, "I've changed my mind, I'm having a **** instead."

2006-11-17 08:55:00 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

BATMAN ASKS ROBIN, 'WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS LAXATIVES WITH HOLY WATER?"

"HOLY CRAP, BATMAN, WHO KNOWS?"

2006-11-17 08:54:23 · 18 answers · asked by scrubbag 7

the husband gently rubbed his wifes arm, and tapped her on the shoulder. His wife said, "sorry honey, i have a gaenocologist appointment tomorrow, and i want to stay fresh."
Feeling rejected, the husband rolls over, tries to sleep. A few moments later, he gently taps his wife on the shoulder again, and whispers in her ear "do you have a Dentist appointment as well?"

2006-11-17 08:53:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Charles drives to Buckingham Palace to see his mother. As he enters the palace, a corgi jumps out and is squashed under his car. He gets out and sees a horrible sight. The dog is totally mutilated and very dead. He thinks what can I do. Mother will be devestated, it was her favourite dog. Just then he sees something shining, half burried in the ground. He pulls it out of the ground, and finds that it is an old lamp. He rubs some of the dirt off of it. Then! Out pops a Genie. Who says "I am the genie of the lamp and I will grant you one wish". Charles thinks for a moment. Then he says "repair this dog back to its original condition before I ran it over and bring it back to life". The Genie looked at the corgi, sighed, and said "I know I am a genie and do magic, but even I cant do that, the dog is completely squashed and cant be repaired. Make another wish." Charles thinks. "OK he says. Make my wife Camilla beautiful". and the genie says "Lets have another look at that dog".

2006-11-17 08:52:46 · 25 answers · asked by David H 6

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.

2006-11-17 08:52:23 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.

2006-11-17 08:52:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

2006-11-17 08:51:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous