Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-17 17:38:04 · 7 answers · asked by cesar a 1

An atheist is walking in the forest. It is a beautiful day and all around him birds are singing the sun is out and you can hear the soft
sound of water running over stones. The man thinks to himself what a wonderful world has evolved through time. Suddenly he hears a noise behind him and turns to see a great big brown
bear. He starts to run but falls over the root of a tree and the bear jumps onto his back,and raises his paws to strike. The atheist calls
out "Oh God please help me." Suddenly the forest goes dark the birds stop singing and the water is stilled and the bears paw freezes in mid air. A light comes from above and a voice says "For years you have denied me. In fact you have told others I do not exist and now in your hour of need you want me to help you. If I agree will you become a Christian." The man thinks and says "You are right it would be very hypocritical of me to become Christian after all this time, can we do a deal and make the bear a Christian. There was no reply. The light went out all the noises resumed and suddenly the bear lowers his paw and joins it to the other as if in pray and says "For what I am about to receive may The Lord make me truly thankful. Amen

2006-11-17 17:27:59 · 24 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A villager travels to a big city with his wife & kid. He gets reserved tickets in a three tier coach of a train. When they enters the train, he occupies the lower berth, his wife middle one & when his son climbes to the top one he sees a man sleeping there who refuses to vacate.

Our man complaints to coach attendant: 'Man sleeping on my wife is not giving berth to my child!!!'

One more...

A man enteres his house & sees his neighbour on top of his wife. He rushes out screaming: 'what to do? if I heat his head its murder & if I hit his butt he goes in further!!!'

2006-11-17 17:25:03 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'll give you best answer if you give me a really good one.

2006-11-17 17:16:04 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Love is blind because....

2006-11-17 16:49:55 · 19 answers · asked by yezdi 2

It was opening night at the theatre and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff. As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations." She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... " The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t," said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

2006-11-17 16:44:54 · 19 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-17 16:00:42 · 1 answers · asked by pete_vasquez2010 1

Fatherless and motherless,
And born without a skin,
I speak when I am born,
and never speak again.

what am I?

hint: if you didn't have a nose, you wouldn't know i exist.

I'll post the answer in a little while. first person to get it right will get 10 points!

2006-11-17 15:58:18 · 10 answers · asked by yuuki chan 3

These are the questions that haunt me.

2006-11-17 15:54:34 · 16 answers · asked by wh-a.t!! 2

A man gets out of his car having parked in a space designated for the disabled. A parking attendant is suspicious in view of no apparent disabled badge on the windsreen.

He asks the man "Excuse me sir; what is the nature of your disability?"

"I've got Tourettes you f**king w@nker"

2006-11-17 15:44:25 · 10 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the
envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings,
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods,
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt
anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people
in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
many grandchildren.


Love, your son, John.



P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
school report that's on my desk.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home

2006-11-17 15:17:16 · 25 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

to get to the shell station.

another for St Anger

peace

2006-11-17 14:59:54 · 6 answers · asked by whacky doodler 1

2006-11-17 14:56:09 · 12 answers · asked by pete_vasquez2010 1

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Scroll down............




























Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed.

2006-11-17 14:54:46 · 11 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

What year came after 1 B.C.? 10 pts. to the first right answer!

2006-11-17 14:52:43 · 12 answers · asked by Brian.E 2

put the number b4 ur answer and try to figure as much as u can. one with most correct answers wins best answer!

1. What did one chip say to the other?
2. What does mother earth catch fish with?
3. What has eyes but cannot see?
4. How can you tell the difference between two trees?
5. What do whales eat?

2006-11-17 14:48:35 · 14 answers · asked by P!ATD GIRL! Luvn Brendon Urie! 3

a guy walks in to a bar and sees a guy out on the balcony about to jump off so the guy runs up there and yells to the guy dont do it its not worth it so the guy steps down and says dont wory it i die. the way the buldings a bulid makes it imposale to die u will float right back up the guys says let me see u do it so the guy says ok and jumps floats down 20 feet and floats back up the the guy said i bet u cant do that agia so he jumps dose it and floats back up the guys says ok its my turn so the guy climbs upp and jumps and hits the ground and dies . the batender looks over and says superman ur 1 mean drunk

2006-11-17 14:44:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A plane crashed and every single person on board this flight was killed, yet...there were suvivors. Explain how?

2006-11-17 14:42:23 · 10 answers · asked by rosepoems2006 1

what is more powerful than god more evil then the devil poor people have it rich people dont need it and if u eat it u will die.

2006-11-17 14:37:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy walks in to a bar and the bartender says if u can down a gallon of pepperd tequla with out making a faces and then go out side to the pool and remove the allagotors sore tooth and then go up staris and have sex with a virgan i will give u 1000 $$ the guy looks at him and says u must be crazy. but after about 5 drinks the guy says wherehs that tequla so he drinks the alchol with out making any faces and then he runs out side and every 1 here a alful roring and strugling noise and the guy comes back in all torn up and says now wheres that girl with the sore tooth

2006-11-17 14:34:27 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man with a wooden eye finds that he gets few dates, so he signs up for an online dating service. He hides his handicap, since it is not readily noticalble and soon gets an email from a potential data who matches.

He calls and they arrange to meet. He is nervous about the date, and sensitive about his eye that it will make him undesirale.

On the date night, he finds her delightful and she seems pleasant to him so he finally decides to confess his secret to her. "I am sensitive about this, and tentative to tell you, but I have a wooden eye". She smiles and says, "Well, I've been nervous all night too, since I have a bit of a challenge. My right breast is really made of rubber. But I am glad you told me and I could tell you". He nodded and they agreed to drop the subject and keep each other's secret.

He smiled and said "Now that we are past that, would you like to dance?"

"Would I !, Would I !" she exclaimed.

He responded: _____________

2006-11-17 14:33:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.

I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it!

2006-11-17 14:26:42 · 17 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

What is Black when you first get it Red when you use it and White when you are done with it?

2006-11-17 14:22:18 · 13 answers · asked by MissLady0608 n 5

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a hot
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he
says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that
I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your
girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my
***?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."

2006-11-17 14:13:08 · 19 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

I'm just trying to compile the best forms of this question. (for example 'is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?)
that type of thing, but more creative and funnier!
Best answer will get the 'best answer' thing on here and get more points - i think that's how it works. Thank you

2006-11-17 14:12:11 · 16 answers · asked by joeantonini80 1

Alternative State Slogans

Alternative State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Sure

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And
Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To
An Attorney ...

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared !!!

2006-11-17 14:02:02 · 15 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

once a god got bored in the heaven so he went into hell and then to a pub where he drank 5 bottles of hard drink.the waiter wondered that he wasnt he feeling drowsy?till now he would have fainted.................
so he asked him and said the drink is not affecting u??
the God said "why should i feel drowsy i am a god"
the waiter turned back and said "now the drink has started effect".

2006-11-17 14:01:23 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Stuart sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie. The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked Stuart. The woman shook her head 'No!!!'
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Stuart said in admiration "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."

2006-11-17 13:51:36 · 24 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-17 13:46:48 · 7 answers · asked by sleepyme 1

A bloke sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."


He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back garden, so he goes out there and sees a black mutt just sitting there.



"You talk?" he asks.



"Sure do," the dog replies.



"So, what's your story?"



The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders.



"I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running,

because no one thought a dog would be eavesdropping.



"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."



"I uncovered some incredible dealings there, was awarded a string of medals, had a wife, a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."



The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "10 quid."



The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"



"Cos he's a f***ing liar. He's never done any of that stuff"

2006-11-17 13:46:16 · 10 answers · asked by toietmoi 6