Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

majority the things on here are blonde jokes... im not stupid cuz im blonde... i took algebra two in the seventh grade... im just asking... please let up?

2006-11-17 06:38:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

crazy random cheesy question

2006-11-17 06:33:27 · 15 answers · asked by miller_man 1

analize before answer.

2006-11-17 06:32:03 · 4 answers · asked by Kevin_Mart13 3

knock knock
whos there
cargo
cargo who?
cargo beep beep

2006-11-17 06:26:03 · 3 answers · asked by Charliee[[JB]]<33 2

This is a riddle.

2006-11-17 06:23:26 · 7 answers · asked by Tahnee B 1

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching the town
of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name. They
argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the
counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we order,could you please settle
an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,...very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

2006-11-17 06:22:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a Diet. "I want you
to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2
weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.


"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"


The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead
that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping.

2006-11-17 06:20:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her
Psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a
secretary and failed. I tried being a writer and failed. I tried being a sales
clerk and I failed at that, Too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full,
satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"


The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts,
points it at the shrink, and says, "Well,Go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

2006-11-17 06:18:25 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in
Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their Cows to increase
their herd.

The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and Goes to Texas to buy
a bull. She eventually meets with an old Cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's
the only one I've got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the bull and goes
to The local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a Telegram to my friend
in Louisiana. That says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the
Trailer."

The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. is
$.75 per word."

She thinks about it for a moment and decides.
"I'd like to send one word, please."

"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.

"Comfortable." replies the brunette. The man asks, "I'm
Sorry miss, but how is your friend going to understand this Telegram?"

The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads real slow, when she gets
this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."

2006-11-17 06:15:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time there was a magic mirror that could tell when you were lying.
If you were, ZAP! It would suck you in and you were gone forever.

One day, an old lady, a brunette, and a blonde happened by the mirror. The old
lady looked in it and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world."
ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she was gone.


The brunette looked in and said, "I think I'm the most
Beautiful woman in the world." ZAP! The mirror sucked her in and she, too,
disappeared.

The blonde looked in and said, "I think. . ."
ZAP!

2006-11-17 06:12:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

house, car, bank account, etc... you fill in the blanks

2006-11-17 06:11:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a
cross-country flight, and settles her in for the trip, smiling prettily at
admiring passengers seated around her.

Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm
sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first
class; I'm afraid you'll have to move.'
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York
to be a model.'


Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.

The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely,'I'm sorry,
Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.'


The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm Blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to
New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal
with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes
the blonde seated comfortably in first class.


Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into
the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up,
and moves quickly to the coach compartment.

Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed
... what did you say to her?'
The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class
cabin doesn't go to New York.'

2006-11-17 06:09:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word "fallen" instead. From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen." This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

2006-11-17 06:08:20 · 7 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

i'm getting bored at school and i need a hilarious prank which i can do with a thew mates and be able to get away with it, another words so nobody is going to find out it was me.
please help me,
p.s. i want funny ones not sick ones.

2006-11-17 06:07:53 · 3 answers · asked by Dom B 1

The county advertised for a new employee to paint the white lines down the middle of the roads.

A blonde lady was the only applicant and she got the job.

On the first day, she painted an impressive 50 miles of road, and her boss was very proud.

On her second day, she painted 25 miles of road, and her boss thought that was just fine.

On her third day she painted only 15 miles of road, and her boss was starting to get concerned.

On her fourth day she painted a mere 7 miles of road. Her boss asked her why she kept painting less and less road.

"Well," she answered, "each day the paint bucket is further and further away!".

2006-11-17 06:07:33 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I have
great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house instead of
two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said: "Oh
darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel that way because tomorrow morning
my mother moves in with us."

2006-11-17 06:07:29 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Mormon was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London, England, to Melbourne, Australia.


After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.


The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.


He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."


The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

2006-11-17 06:03:32 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a blonde who wanted to learn how to fly an airplane, so she goes to the airport and asks the man behind the desk, "Hi, I'd like to learn how to fly an airplane."

The man looked at a clipboard, then replied, "I'm sorry, miss, but there aren't any airplanes available. Would a helicopter be alright?"

"Oh, yes! I'd LOVE to fly a helicopter!"

So the blonde learns how to fly it and she's ready to go on her first drive. The man goes to the control tower and sits at the radio.

"Alright," he says to her, "turn the engine on." She does and responds, "Okay, it's on!"

"Now, take her up to 10,000 feet."

This blonde does and then radios in, "Oh, it's lovely up here! It's so beautiful!"

"Okay, now take her up to 20,000 feet."

The blonde does this and contacts him, "Oh, this is so wonderful! I absolutely LOVE this view! It's so pretty!"

"Okay, let's go up another 10,000 feet before we bring you back down."

"

2006-11-17 06:02:02 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain, they
name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon
receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds, but they are twins. If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal."

2006-11-17 06:01:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Monica Lewensky is partially deaf , and according to Clinton thats how it started , after a dinner party at the whitehouse Monica asked Bill if she could come round to his house and cook dinner for him , and Bill said , only if you sack my cook !!

2006-11-17 05:59:43 · 15 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

"One smart fellow, he fealt smart, two smart fellows, they both fealt smart".

2006-11-17 05:58:42 · 13 answers · asked by ed g 1

A boy was teaching girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's
subtraction."
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

2006-11-17 05:57:57 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am having a really bad day at work. Like the movie the matrix, which pill should I take?

2006-11-17 05:57:46 · 15 answers · asked by fsquiabro 1

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers.

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

2006-11-17 05:57:14 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-11-17 05:55:46 · 7 answers · asked by igollert 3

Two couple's were seated next to each other on a plane. One couple was from the south the other from the west coast. The women from the south being friendly and all said, "so where ya'll from? The west coast women said, "From a place where we know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence. The women from the south set there for about five seconds, and then said, "So where ya'll from, b*tch."

2006-11-17 05:55:36 · 3 answers · asked by uroplatis 1

but whats the useless bit of skin on the end of a d.ick called....



Its a man....



this was only a joke. my own man isn't useless and no i dont have any hangups or problems with men....I posted this 2 months ago and got reported... ITS A JOKE.....

2006-11-17 05:55:31 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas.
Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into
space, then says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

2006-11-17 05:55:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the difference between a Clitoris and a golf ball?


Men WILL look for a golf ball

Funny or not?

2006-11-17 05:49:17 · 28 answers · asked by Boring Old Fart 3

A man and his wife are in bed one night when suddenly they hear a noise from downstairs. Before they have time to react an intruder breaks through the bedroom door and ties them both up in the bed.

The man then casts his eyes over their two naked bodies and slowly leans down to the woman and begins to whisper something in her ear.

After a few seconds the man stands back up and walks into the bathroom and starts to fumble around trying to find something.

At this point the man leans to his wife and says,

“Darling, please do whatever he says, it is for our own good. If he wants sex then give it to him, don’t hold back. If he wants you to perform oral sex just do it. Don’t be scared, I am right here and we will get through this together, oh and dear, you know I love you.”

The wife calmly looks back at him and says,,,

”Thank you for your reassuring words of comfort dear but its ok. He just told me that he is gay and really like the looks of you, he told me he wants sex with you then asked me if we had any Vaseline and I told him that we keep it in the bathroom. Oh and dear, I love you too.”

2006-11-17 05:47:28 · 12 answers · asked by Stan The Man 1