Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

a man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a drink

the bar man pulls out a gun and points it at the man

the man says thank you and the barman pours his drink

why did the man say thannk you ???

i will post the answer in 3 days and see if anyone got it correct

thanks

2006-10-23 10:06:35 · 23 answers · asked by sparky 1

I really cant think of anything to ryhme with orange or purple for that matter! Can u?

2006-10-23 09:57:43 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

What a Woman Says, and a Man Hears..

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess!
C'mon, you and I need to clean,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear
if we don't do laundry right now!"

What a man hears:
"blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW"

2006-10-23 09:54:34 · 18 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

2006-10-23 09:54:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

1be a liar or a theif
2eat booger Or ear wax
3 be the ugliest and smartest Or best looking and dumbest person in the world.
4 be hated and love every body Or be loved and hate every body
5 have really bad breath OR a really bad body oder
6 have a head the size or a water melon OR grape.
7 no arms Or no legs.
8 Blind Or deaf
9 no phone Or no computer
10 blonde Or brunette .? :)

answer honestly please :)

2006-10-23 09:54:03 · 19 answers · asked by ♥I know these things♥ 4

A man was demonstrating a new computer at an electronics show.
A young man came up to see how it worked.
"Ask any question you like," Demonstrator said. "It knows everything."
Our hero typed, "What is my name?"
The computer responded, "Hello Jeremy"
"Well," Jeremy said, "that's pretty good. Must be some kind of trick."
"Try something else," the man said.
"What is my birth date?"
"August 21, 1981."
"That's right, but still no big deal." Then he typed, "What is my mother's name?"
"Mary Elaine Jones."
"OK," Jeremy said, the he typed, "Where is my father?"
"At Chicago," the computer responded.
"Ha!" he typed, "my father is at San Diego, California."
"No, your mother's husband is on the battleship USS Tennessee, stationed at San Diego California." And your father is at the McCormick Company's Regional sales meeting in Chicago.

2006-10-23 09:51:02 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March...etc."

2006-10-23 09:44:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

lord before i lay down to sleep i pray for a man whos not a creep. One whos handsome, smart, and strong, one whos willy is thick and long! Oh send me a man who's thoughtful and kind makes love to my body wont **** with my mind! But as i kneel here and pray by my bed i lookat the wanker you sent me instead . AMEN

2006-10-23 09:43:47 · 9 answers · asked by rochie 2

During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked.

The lady was insulted. "You bloody Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down," he said.

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant too."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?"

The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bi*** out of the window."

2006-10-23 09:42:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him so he covered himself up with the newspaper he was reading. The little girl came up to hinm and asked "What do you have under the newspaper?"
"A bird", the guy replied.
The girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me about my privates and the next thing I know is I'm here". The police went back to the beach, found the girl and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a pause, the girl replied...."To him! Nothing!...I was playing with the bird and it spat on me so I broke it's neck, cracked its eggs and set it's nest on fire."
Moral of this story...................never lie to kids!

2006-10-23 09:42:15 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman posts an ad in the newspaper that looks like this..'.looking for a man with these qualifications: won't beat me up or run away from me and is great in bed'.
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I".

2006-10-23 09:34:33 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

the first person to get them all right wins

1 why couldnt the mummy answer the phone?

2 what is count draculas favorite kind of dog

3 what is a monsters favorite kind of food

4 what kind of rocks does Frankenstein have in his collection

2006-10-23 09:33:46 · 16 answers · asked by flames33761 1

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas & orders a white wine.Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, & the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya...where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's ok boys, he's one of us!"

2006-10-23 09:30:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

ladies will be present and i don`t want to offend them

2006-10-23 09:28:52 · 16 answers · asked by melas 6

Underwater

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

2006-10-23 09:28:42 · 12 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

A guy & a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?" "Didn't feel a thing

2006-10-23 09:26:23 · 14 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

Two guys walking in the woods,one stops and bends down to look at something,just them a poisonous snake leaps out and and bites the guy on his privates,the other guy don't know what to do,so he runs to town to get a doctor,but the doctor is busy with an accident victim,he gives him a scaple and tells him to cut where the snake had bit the guy and them suck out the poison,the guy takes off running back in the woods,finally reaches the other guy ,well,well,what did the doctor say,the doctor said you are going to die.

2006-10-23 09:18:47 · 20 answers · asked by kman1830 5

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen
in love and that he is going to get married. He says,
"Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house
and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her."

2006-10-23 09:18:29 · 13 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

1. Did you fart, cause you blew me away.
2. Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.
3. My love for you is like diarrhea... I can't hold it in.
4. Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
4. Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them
5. If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
6. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a
light switch away.
7. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
8. Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

The best for last!
10. Your face reminds me of a spanner, every time I think of it My nuts tighten up!

2006-10-23 09:16:49 · 13 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

Mary Land asked Allie Bama "What did Missy sip? She said I think she sipped her Minnie Sota but Ail ask her.

2006-10-23 09:15:46 · 7 answers · asked by barrettins 3

his wife in bed with 3 men?

2006-10-23 09:14:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where is the Manager?

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly in trouble. "Is there snything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

2006-10-23 09:13:36 · 12 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very beautiful blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she yelled "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at
each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but most men are gullible

2006-10-23 09:11:05 · 10 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?"

Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help."

Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now." Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!"

2006-10-23 09:09:48 · 10 answers · asked by cheeks the slick 2

And by worst, I dont mean most offensive, i mean the lamest, most non-funny joke ever!

2006-10-23 09:04:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two hunters were in the woods miles and miles from civilization, when the one had to take a crap. He went into the bushes, but came out screaming, "Joe, Joe, please While I was in the bushes a snake came and bit the tip of my prick. Please, please, you have to suck out the venom."
To which Joe replied, "Baby, you're going to die!"

2006-10-23 09:00:01 · 14 answers · asked by hazelshine 4

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing

2006-10-23 08:58:46 · 12 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I acceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”
“You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). “Reset it yourself!”
“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” (Pause) “C'mon, it'll only take a second.”
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button.
It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What's the matter, cat got your tongue?” If they had only known.

2006-10-23 08:48:26 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

C'mon gimme a really good one that makes me fall out of my chair!

Thanx, peace.

2006-10-23 08:45:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man was dining in a very swank restaurant in New York City. When the elderly waiter brought the consomme the customer saw that his thumb was deep in the soup bowl.
Next, the waiter served steak diane, and now his thumb was deep in the gravy. The customer held his tongue. This was after all one of New York's finest restaurants.
Finally, for dessert the waiter brought out coupe marrow. This time his finger was not in the ice cream. The customer could contain himself no longer. "Sir," he said to the waiter, would you tell me why you put your finger in the consomme and the steak gravy but not in the coupe marrow?
The waiter stared coldly at him for a moment and then replied, Simple, my good man. I have a bad case of arthritis and warm things relieve the pain in my thumb.
The customer became very angry. "You son-of-a-b*tch!" he said, "Putting your thumb in my food! You should take that thumb and ram it up your a*s!"
The waiter looked at him and said, That's what I do in the kitchen

2006-10-23 08:44:33 · 15 answers · asked by hazelshine 4