Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

collapses with his hand between his legs. The physiotherapist runs over and says"Don't worry I have medical training. I can help reduce the pain". So saying she opens his trousers and massages his privates. After a minute she says,Does that feel better?" The man replies"Yes thank you. But I think you broke my thumb."

2006-10-23 08:43:37 · 14 answers · asked by bo nidle 4

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

2006-10-23 08:43:26 · 9 answers · asked by arfa54321 5

2006-10-23 08:38:15 · 9 answers · asked by Horse_L9 2

2006-10-23 08:36:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is long and hairy?

2006-10-23 08:30:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container it comes in?"

"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

2006-10-23 08:30:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The preacher rose with a red face: "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community can not tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a gorgeous blonde in a tight dress rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

2006-10-23 08:21:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What goes up and never comes down?

2006-10-23 08:14:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Circle.

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

2006-10-23 08:04:59 · 28 answers · asked by Pinky 5

Alex came home from a busuness trip to Chicago and found no one home but his daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
"What's the matter, darling," asked Alex.
"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
"That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
"Well," said Rose, "you always told us that when we die we'll see God; so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she had Uncle Jerry holdding her down."

2006-10-23 08:03:35 · 14 answers · asked by hazelshine 4

2006-10-23 08:02:12 · 5 answers · asked by leilis4 4

are spelt the same but have different meanings...

I REFUSE to put out the REFUSE.
I am in farming to PRODUCE PRODUCE.

2006-10-23 07:48:20 · 19 answers · asked by mrs mac 3

I don't usually make "Yo Mama" jokes, but I thought of this the other day-

Yo mama is so dumb, she speaks typo

Is it funny or not?

2006-10-23 07:27:28 · 23 answers · asked by craftykid22 3

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage if I carry on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he telephoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled even worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

2006-10-23 07:27:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

what happens once when your near, once when your far but not when your over there?

2006-10-23 07:23:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anton M 2

I have a bet with someone that I can find all three errors in these pictures in less than two days. He did it in two days and I said I could do it in less. Please help, click on this link and let me know what you find. Thanks in advance for all your help.

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

2006-10-23 07:14:54 · 24 answers · asked by sesamenc 4

I have never actually thought about it till about a week ago. I was going through a Beatle's greatest hits CD and i realized that at least 10 of the songs i have connections with. So i asked my friends and some family which song is their life about, every single one of them gave me the answer.

2006-10-23 07:13:10 · 6 answers · asked by Megan 2

In the library you aren't allowed to lick the pages.

2006-10-23 06:59:19 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

make me laugh with your dirty minds lol :)

2006-10-23 06:45:26 · 10 answers · asked by FlossyQ 2

me and one of my friends have this thing right now where we keep car chalking each others cars. well he use canned silly string on my tires so now i want to get him back really good and need some ideas? please keep it to where it wont hurt the paint job though.

2006-10-23 06:28:19 · 17 answers · asked by kelia2008 1

For example: 88 K on a P would be 88 keys on a piano. Here we go....

1. 7 D in a W
2. 12 M in a Y
3. 10 C
4. 100 Y in a C
5. 7 D S
6. 26 L of the A
7. 3 S
8. 12 D of C
9. 1 L to L
10. 4 Q in a D
11. 13 S on th A F
12. An O has 8 S

2006-10-23 06:26:51 · 10 answers · asked by kpcoco0870 4

Every day I ride my bike to town and take the exact same route home. I've noticed that during the first mile of this ride, on the way in, I almost never see a car. Yet on the way home, along the same stretch, I'm usually passed by several cars. This is the same whatever time I come and go, and I do vary it a lot. It is consistent and has been this way for almost 3 years.
Who knows how this could be?

2006-10-23 06:19:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

2006-10-23 06:17:46 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a small lizard was walking through the forest. He smelled pot and looked up to find a koala bear sitting in a tree.

The little lizard looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?"

The bear replied, "I'm getting high, come on up." So the lizard joined the bear in the tree.

They continued to smoke joint after joint until finally the little lizard said, "My mouth is dry like cotton."

The koala bear agreed and told the lizard to go down to the river and get a drink and in the meantime he would roll another joint.

The little lizard attempted to lean over to drink water from the river and was so stoned, he fell right in and started splashing around.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to help the lizard to shore. He said, "Lizard what is wrong with you?"

The lizard replied, "I've been getting stoned with the koala bear. I needed water and fell in the river."

The crocodile said, "I don't believe this. Take me to the tree you were in."

So they walked through the forest and they come to the tree where the koala bear was sitting. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey koala bear, what are you doing up there?"

The koala bear looked down and said, "Holy crap dude, how much water did you drink?"

2006-10-23 06:09:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sandy had twins; he named them Tin Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
Again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again d same...... disgusted Sandy named them"TIRED & RETIRED!!

2006-10-23 06:02:31 · 6 answers · asked by asdf 1

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand, "I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said: 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

2006-10-23 06:02:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-10-23 05:53:31 · 15 answers · asked by connie 1

2006-10-23 05:44:53 · 10 answers · asked by connie 1

2006-10-23 05:43:28 · 24 answers · asked by supersexxysingledad 1

2006-10-23 05:41:18 · 12 answers · asked by John L 5