Jokes & Riddles - October 2006

I need a good laugh.

2006-10-23 05:36:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Knock Knock
Who's There? Mary
Who? Merry Christmas !!
I will pick the joke that will make me die a little inside

2006-10-23 05:28:59 · 41 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

One looks over to the other and says 'Whew its hot in here'
The other one says "ahhhh at a taking muffin!!" lol

Heard that from a guy named Aaron in high school. lol. its funny in person.

2006-10-23 05:12:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."

Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" pr0perty0fgl0wp0rt

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"

Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

2006-10-23 05:11:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."

To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."

2006-10-23 05:09:14 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

2006-10-23 05:07:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman got into a crowded bus. No place to sit. So she requested a gentleman to spare his seat. He enquired why should he oblige her. She told him that she was pregnant and that's why. He gazed at her since she she didn't seem to be pregnant. Her belly was flat only. Doubtfully he asked her, "Lady, how long your are pregnant?" She replied: "Since 10 minutes ago"!

2006-10-23 04:54:28 · 30 answers · asked by Hobby 5

I hear the first part to this joke all the time, but not the ending.
There was a girl from nantucket,

2006-10-23 04:45:22 · 17 answers · asked by bigslick60 3

2006-10-23 04:25:10 · 33 answers · asked by jewl 32 2

and his first night there he keeps hearing all these numbers being shouted out at night and everyone laff's and laff's .. night after night this goes on and the guy begins to wonder what exactly it's all about. he asks his cellmate to explain and the cellmate replies with "there are so many jokes that get told that we've numbered them in order to remember them. so someone shouts out a number and we all laff" well, later on the guy learns the routine and tries his luck at telling a joke once the lights were out. so he shouts out a number and it's quiet.. not a snicker, not a giggle.. nothing.. the guy asks his cellmate "why didn't anyone laff"... the cellmate responds with "well.. some people can tell a joke and some people can't."


OKAY so this is the lamest joke i've ever told! ... ahhh i thought it was funny .... ba-du-dump!

2006-10-23 04:20:11 · 11 answers · asked by Jana 5

What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right?

What's the end of space, the end of time, and the beginning of eternity?

2006-10-23 04:13:21 · 10 answers · asked by Barbi 4

2006-10-23 04:08:06 · 44 answers · asked by jewl 32 2

I can be this, and you can be this. And, yes, we can be this. He can't be this and she can't be this. And no, they can't be this. Dogs can't be this, but cats can. And a kitten can't be this, but a puppy can. Givers can't be this, but beggars can. And humility can't be this, but greed can. Not even peace can be this, but fear can.

2006-10-23 04:06:48 · 5 answers · asked by raechel.denise 2

I am looking for this "trick" email...has anyone seen it?

2006-10-23 03:58:38 · 8 answers · asked by elvisdan77 4

2006-10-23 03:55:40 · 7 answers · asked by thù tỉ tỉ 4

2006-10-23 03:49:34 · 11 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

2006-10-23 03:49:04 · 17 answers · asked by MojoMan 6

clean, dirty, short, long, anything.

2006-10-23 03:42:39 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What has 7 letters, precedes God, is more evil than devil? The rich needs it while the poor has it.

2006-10-23 03:35:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm lost in a forest which is inhabited by Red men and Green men. The Red men always tell the truth; the Green men always lie. I come to a fork in the road; and I have to get to a town called 'Umgowa', but I don't know whether to take the right of left road. There's this man standing at the fork, but it is too dark to see if he's Red or Green. I can ask 'one' question of this man, which calls for a 'yes' or 'no' answer, to find the correct road to take. What question should I ask?

2006-10-23 03:33:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

a pickled onion or a scarecrow?

2006-10-23 03:21:26 · 36 answers · asked by markhatter 6

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your as s."

2006-10-23 03:05:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Jonny was sitting with his classmates and the teacher asked him "what did you do in the half term break Jonny"?

HE replied " I've been sticking fireworks up Frogs asses miss"!

Teacher "don't you mean Rectum Jonny"?

Jonny "" RECTUM ? It blew them to bits miss"!!!!!

2006-10-23 03:04:25 · 6 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

Of course, the wife agrees, they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder, asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die."

She says, "Of course, dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending demise, tosses and turns, until he's down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could . . . ."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

2006-10-23 03:01:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his

house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling

up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad " replies Brian," but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

2006-10-23 02:59:13 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

Don't Lie to Mom


John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

2006-10-23 02:59:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

YELLOW and BLUE is GREEN

2006-10-23 02:41:25 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Question : What falls but doesn't break, and what breaks but doesn't fall?

2006-10-23 02:40:49 · 7 answers · asked by hot_angel_missy 2

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

2006-10-23 02:17:40 · 23 answers · asked by anitha 4

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas can the monk speak, and then only two words, and only to the head monk.

On his first Christmas there, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "More Blankets" Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Thomas speaks to the head monk again, and says "More Food".

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Thomas speaks to the head monk and says, "I'm leaving."

The head monk responded "Good, you've done nothing but ***** since you've got here.

2006-10-23 01:30:11 · 13 answers · asked by EL Big Ed 6