anybody got a clean joke i can use in my after dinner speech ?

Question

ladies will be present and i don`t want to offend them

Answer 1

type in adult products on yahoo, go to page 2 to home movies,ignore the porn (not for underage) then click on joke indicator

Answer 2

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all enjoying a beer in a pub when three flies come in through an open window and land plop, plop, plop, one in each beer.

The Englishman says, "Bloody fly." then takes a fork, genlty removes the intruder, wraps is up in a napkin and throws it away.

The Irishman says, "DIE, FLITHY FLY!!!" then smashes his mug on the floor.

The Scotsman picks up the fly, bends one wing behind its back and says, "Spit it out you little thief!"

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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved
a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the
whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead
as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Answer 3

Micheal and Murphy come up with a new business venture, they decide to open a Pub and to encourage customers to come in, they decide to give all the drinks away for free for the first 2 weeks.

After the 1st week, they have been packed evey dinnertime and every night, thousands of customers come through the doors daily.

After the 2nd week its just the same and they even make the national newspapers and T.V.

The 3rd week arrives and it is deadly quiet, just 1 customer who comes in, buys a pint drinks it and leaves, after that no customers at all.

After the 4th week, it's been horrendous, just the same guy, 1 pint drinks and leaves. not what they expected.

Micheal says it has cost them £40,000 to give all the free drinks away.

Murphy says " I know what to do"
Micheal says " Whats that?"
Murphy says " We'll open a Brothel"
Micheal says " Murphy!, we can't sell beer, how the f*&^% are we gonna sell soup!!!!!!"

Answer 4

A Scottish accent helps this one;
What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
Bing sings but Walt Disney!

Answer 5

Murphy buys a bathroom suite & has it installed. Two weeks later he goes to the shop where he bought it. 'Can I help you sir' the assistant says. Murphy replies 'I've always had a shower, but I bought the top of the range deluxe bathroom suite from you two weeks ago and I want it taken out and my money back, it's useless, everytime I turn on the taps the water disappears down this hole.' the assistant says, sir, you're supposed to put the plug in'. 'Ahah!!' Murphy replies..........'You never told me it was electric'

Answer 6

Noah's New Ark!
Noah,get's called into the office to see God one day,and God tells him he wants to build another ark.Noah asks why as there was nothing wrong with the first one.
God replies."It's nothing like I asked for.I didn't ask you to make one in which other creatures can be safe.Please build a floating aquarium with three floors.
This time it will be exclusively for fish.The big fish can go downstairs and the smaller ones can go in the middle and the delicate tropical fishes can go on the upper deck."
Noah thought long and hard about this one but finally said.
"Am I correct in thinking that what you want is a multi-storey Carp Ark?"

Answer 7

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback.

"Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Answer 8

On a building there were 4 new workers, an Englishman, a Welshman, a Scotsman and yes the obligatory Irishman. At their dinner break they sat eating their sandwiches and the Englishman said “I’d better introduce myself, my names George – my mother and father called me that because they are English and I was born on St. Georges Day”.
“Well that’s a coincidence said the Welshman, I was called David ‘cus I was born on St. Davids Day”.
“Stranger and stranger” said the Scotsman “I was born on St. Andrews Day and yes my names Andrew”.
“Well, well, well” said the Irishman “it’s a small world isn’t it, my names Pancake”.

Answer 9

a woman gets stopped by police one night as she is driving around the town."Open up the boot of your car please miss" says the copper
"why", "whats this 12 penguins" "You must take them to the zoo or you will be arrested if i catch you again", "ok i promise i will take them officer", "be on your way then miss".
One week later same policeman sees the same woman driving around the town. "open up your boot please, Why 12 penguins, i thought i told you to take them to the zoo".
"yes i did and tonight i'm taking them to the pictures"
i love this joke. hope you like it...

Answer 10

Two monkeys in a bath.
One said "Oooooooo. Ohhhhhhh" (Monkey noises)
The other one say "Well put some cold in then".