Funniest joke ever!!!!!???

Question

C'mon gimme a really good one that makes me fall out of my chair!

Thanx, peace.

Answer 1

How would you annoy people in a school?
-Bring a llama to all of your classes. When someone asks why, just shake your head and mutter furiously.
-When in exams, every five minutes tear up your paper, scatter it in the air, scream MERRY CHRISTMAS, then ask for a new peice of paper. Repeat until you are asked to leave.
-Write a really long essay, REAALY long, and in the middle somewhere put something like 'I am Elvis' or 'Death to squirrels'
-Burst out laughing, stop abruptly, then stare suspiciously at everyone
-Insist that all teachers much refer to you as 'My Lord'
-Whenever someone opens a door, scream and faint

How would you annoy people in a cinema?
-Discuss really loudly what a conversation between Gollum, Dobby and Jar Jar Binks would be like
-Throw things at the people in front of you. When they turn around, point at the person next to you
-Try really badly to imitate an American accent, even if there are no American people in the actual film.
-When something really important's about to happen, like when they name the killer, scream LUKE! I AM YOUR FATHER! and roll, laughing hysterically, down the aisle
-Gasp after everything
-Ask an usher or an attendant if they are expecting any turbulence
-Shout 'Did you hear that?!?!?!?' after every sentence someone says

How would you annoy people in a library?
-Ask someone where the nearest toilets are, then 'SHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!' them when they try to answer
-Gather loads of books, and walk around dropping one occasionally. When someone asks you what your doing, whisper 'Leaving a trail.....'
-Horde all the Harry Potter books in a corner. When people walk past, announce shiftily 'Nothing to see here....'
-Put a bright yellow pair of pants on your head and run through the library yelling THEY'VE GOT ME!
-Rugby tackle anyone turning a page. Explain you were trying to save them from getting a paper cut.
-Wear a top hat and bid every one a good day in a really bad English accent
-FLAMETHROWER!!!!! MUHAHAHAHHA!

How would you annoy people in the street?
-Ask them for their autographs. Refuse to take no as an answer.
-Try and take their jackets
-Try to sell random items eg. an egg or your sister/bother
-Pretend to die dramatically in front of people. When they bend down, shout YOINK, grab their shoes, and leg it.....
-Ask them where the nearest country is
-Put on an eyepatch and leer at people

How would you annoy the guy on the other end on the phone whlle ordering a pizza?
-End every sentence in 'because that's what the Matrix wants me to order'
-Laugh when they talk
-Ask for cavier. When they say they haven't got it, gasp and slam the phone down
-Rap your order
-Ask them to guess what you want
-Alternate between a really high voice and a really low one. Make weird screeching sounds

my personal favourite, how would you annoy people in an elevator?
-Block the doorway with a desk. Ask people if they have an appointment.
-Charge elevator tax
-Scream everytime the door closes
-Put red paint around the hatch, sit in a corner, point upwards and whisper 'I think they want in'
-Hum the LotR theme tune. When someone tries to get in, scream YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
-Sing the Spiderman theme tune. Everytime the word Spider comes up, yell it at the top of your lungs

Answer 2

Q....What do you call a dog that has no legs???
A.... doesn't matter, it can't come anyway.




Did you hear the one about the two gay judges that tried each other?
Judge Gerald Fitzpatrick and Judge Patrick Fitzgerald



Two cannibals are sitting by a large black kettle simmering over an open fire when one says to the other,"I really hate my mother-in-law."
The other replies, "Then just eat the noodles."



What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A Harley has the dirtbag on the BACK



A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants when the waitress asks, " Isn't that steering wheel uncomfortable?"
"Y'arrr", he says, "It's drivin' me nuts."



Thank-you, you've been a great audience, g'nite

Answer 3

according to google this is the funniest one:
two hunters were out in the woods when all of a sudden a tree fell on one of them. the other didn't know what to do so called 999 -"help me a tree fell on my friend and he's dead!" operator-"ok calm down. firstly u have to make sure he's dead" there was a short silence followed by a loud bang then the man came back on the line "ok now what?"

Answer 4

Little Billy was two years old and completely bored and out of control. It was a rainy, windy, blustery day, and he was cooped up inside as his mother was trying very hard to clean the house for an upcoming dinner party. her day was going badly not only because Billy was like an out of control whirlwind, but because the Taco Bell burritos and chalupas from the night before were wreaking havoc with her innards.

Billy came tearing into kitchen, wailing like a fire engine, and his mother, near her wits end saw the bag of red balloons on the counter. She blew one up and tossed it to her little wildman.
"Here, Billy," she said, "Play with this, but do it quietly, okay?"

Billy was happy with the balloon, and he smiled ear to ear when he thanked his mommy and ran out of the room.
He kicked that balloon from room to room for over an hour until he kicked it right into the toilet. He didn't feel like fishing it out, so he simply closed the lid and went tearing around the house as he had been doing before.

Shortly thereafter, the Taco bell from the night before became too much for Billy's mom, who ran as fast she could into the bathroom, and just made it as it all came rushing out in a stinking liquid mess. She never noticed the balloon in the toilet. When she was done she was flabbergasted and amazed at the amount of gunk there was in the toilet. She became alarmed and called her Doctor who agreed to rush right on over.

The doctor looked at her, looked at the mess in the toilet, back at her, then he took out a pen and began poking at the floating orb of congealing crap. He poked just a little too much and the balloon exploded, showering them both with the smelly remnants of last night's taco Bell mission. The doctor shook his head and sighed, "Thirty years as a doctor," he said, "and I thought I'd seen it all. But that...that...that was the first time I have ever seen an exploding fart!"

Answer 5

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn''''t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold."No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn''''t even want a special last meal!"The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Answer 6

A guy walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder.
"Oh" says the bartender, "He's cute. What do you call him?"
"Tiny." replies the guy.
"Oh," says the bartender, "because he's soooo small?"
"No," says the guy, "Because he's my newt"

(say punchline outloud)

Answer 7

Chess!

Answer 8

i ran into this guy on the street who told me he hadn't had a bite in weeks.

So i bit him.

Answer 9

i thought u were going to tell me one. rip off !!!

Answer 10

knock knock. whos there? lets. lets who? lets boogy