Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME
(WHOSE HEAD GEAR PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),
THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING
TO MOVE TO UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO,
THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN,
AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL ... THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

2006-08-21 09:41:30 · 22 answers · asked by jussmessin 2

I learnt that word in this site. Never heard it before and many people refer to it in the joke section.

I am curious.

2006-08-21 09:41:12 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 09:37:41 · 24 answers · asked by cathyl1226 3

2006-08-21 09:27:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a man running from two lions, he ends up running to the edge of a cliff, he falls but has hold of a root coming off the side of the cliff. He looks to his left and see's a strawberry vine growing, with one strawberry on it, he picks it and eats it.

2006-08-21 09:21:49 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 09:15:40 · 14 answers · asked by TheCatIsBack 2

2006-08-21 09:14:46 · 16 answers · asked by wtfnmy22 3

2006-08-21 09:07:11 · 7 answers · asked by position28 4

I am looking for good material.

2006-08-21 09:02:25 · 15 answers · asked by Phoenix Master 2

did he get there if there was nobody else around and the building he is in is completely empty. No chair to stand on or anything.

2006-08-21 09:01:23 · 23 answers · asked by Bellshk 3

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer ****** his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

2006-08-21 08:54:45 · 9 answers · asked by Profoundly Disturbed 1

Whoever says the funniest thing gets 10 points!!!!

2006-08-21 08:51:21 · 14 answers · asked by Derrick T 2

first person gets 10 points

2006-08-21 08:43:26 · 13 answers · asked by a_montana_chick 2

Old man and his wife walk in to the doctors office for a physical..the doctor ask the old man we are going to need a blood ,sperm and stool sample..the old man being a little deaf .ask hat the doctor said his wife said he need`s to see your underwear....

2006-08-21 08:29:28 · 16 answers · asked by darkpony6262 3

2006-08-21 08:26:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

and i already have 7835 pounds in my bank how much money do I have

2006-08-21 08:26:50 · 6 answers · asked by Chris S 1

2006-08-21 08:20:28 · 9 answers · asked by corry692001 2

2006-08-21 08:19:23 · 8 answers · asked by PonderousPork 4

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a
sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home
and Bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as
on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained:

Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right
hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still
nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and
still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and
she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. None of us could get the jar
open."

2006-08-21 08:15:50 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to sexopathologist for consultation.
- You know, doc, my erection is not as good as it used to be...
- Are you married?
- Yes.
- How often do you do it with your wife?
- I don't let my wife sleep all night long, doctor!
- You have a lover?
- I have two of them. I meet with each of them at least once a week.
- Do you also have some sex at work?
- Oh yes, sure, 5-7 times a week.
- And some random relations?
- Of cause, several times a week.
- Then you must restrict yourself! You're having too much sex!
- Thanks God, doctor, I thought it's because I mast*rbate too much.

2006-08-21 08:03:13 · 13 answers · asked by Pd 6

One day three men are out having a relaxing day fishing, when suddenly they catch a mermaid. After hauling the mermaid up in a net, she promises that if the men set her free, in return she will grant each of them a wish.

The first man doesn’t believe it so he says, “Alright, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ.”

The mermaid says, “Done” and suddenly, the first man starts to flawlessly recite Shakespeare and analyze it with extreme insight.

The second man is so amazed, he looks at the mermaid and says, “Triple my IQ.”

The mermaid says, “Done” and the second man starts to recite solutions to all of the mathematical problems that have been stumping all of the scientists in various fields from physics to chemistry, etc.

The third man is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, he says to the mermaid: “Quintuple my IQ.”

The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you’d reconsider.”

The man responds, “Nope, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” said the mermaid “You don’t know what you’re asking…it’ll change your entire view on the universe. Won’t you ask forsomething else… a million dollars, anything?”

But no matter what the mermaid said, the third man insisted on having his IQ increased by five times it’s usual power.

So the mermaid finally relented and said, “Done.”

The third man became a woman.

2006-08-21 07:46:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A clinic for artificial insemination of women was opened in which the gender and the preselected appearance of the kids were guaranteed. A woman came for treatment. The doctor asked, "Do you want a boy or a girl?"
"A girl."
The doctor nodded and started mixing several liquids in a flask.
"Blond or brunette?"
"Blond."
The doctor added more components to the flask.
"What size of hips? Height? Waist?"
The woman answered, and the doctor mixed in more ingredients.
"Finally, do you want your daughter to look more or less like some of the famous movie stars?"
"Yes, yes. A little like Marilyn Monroe, a little like Liz Taylor...."
"No problem," the doctor said. "Now drink this."
The woman drank the concoction and at once fell asleep on a sofa. The doctor started undressing her. Then he unzipped his pants and said, "They all want Liz Taylor, or Marilyn Monroe. Whatever it will be, that's what it will be."

2006-08-21 07:45:27 · 14 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-08-21 07:42:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

You say..."Gucci, Gucci, Gucci".

2006-08-21 07:41:00 · 6 answers · asked by Rick 7

10 points for the first correct answer :-)

2006-08-21 07:36:44 · 12 answers · asked by playful 3

2006-08-21 07:32:52 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

by the grace of god i am happy now,thanks to all of my friends n wellwishers

2006-08-21 07:31:23 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two young physicians rest on a bench in a public park. They see a man walk with an odd gait. His knees are half-bent, his hands are squeezed between his knees.
"Look," one physician says. "A typical case of cerebral paralysis."
"Not at all," the other physician says, "Obvious polyarthritis in an advance stage. I know it for fact, I specialize in arthritis."
The man comes closer, and mumbles, "Hey, fellows, tell me at once, where is here a men's room?"
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http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtsoaRuMEmNUxioE_R92ohTsy6IX?qid=20060821045131AAGOXzG

2006-08-21 07:28:47 · 8 answers · asked by Pd 6

As there is a guard on swearing what is the worst non offensive insult you can think of to say to me. If it has asterisks it doesn't count. 10 points for the funniest.

2006-08-21 07:26:38 · 35 answers · asked by ? 3

(do not use a calculator with this) is u r driving a bus at the first stop 4 ppl get on 2ppl get off, at the next stop 3 ppl get off an 12 ppl get off, then at the next stop 13ppl get of..... the question is wat was the name of the bus driver??

2006-08-21 07:23:42 · 15 answers · asked by kc 2