Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

First dog says to the second "What are you in for?"

Second dog replies "I'm in to get put down, everytime I see a child I have to bite them and my owner has had enough" what's up with you then?

The first dog says " Oh I'm a guard dog and the other night I heard a noise coming from upstairs so I went to investigate. As I looked up the stairs I saw a large shadow at the top of the stairs so I jumped on it and got stuck in. Only for the light switch to come on and then I realised that the shadow was my mistress".

The second dog says " I suppose your in to get put down as well"

"Oh No" said the first dog " I'm just in to get my paws clipped"

2006-08-20 23:20:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Beer stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.

If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

A hangover will go away.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

A beer never has a headache.

A beer will never nag you.

A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

You can share a beer with friends.

You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

A beer doesn't demand equality.

You can have a beer in public.

A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.

he he he.....

2006-08-20 23:14:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the
ho tel everybody.


2. Dictate - My girfriend say my dictate good.


3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the
other night. Man, somebody get that catacomb.


4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no
money foreclose.


5. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my *****
rectum both.


6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if
I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.


7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed
me a cup and said penis.


8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say,
"man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel".


9 Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living
in the apartment undermine.


10.Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought
me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.



11.Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my
uncle iraq, you break.



12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I
axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"



13.Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how
much?" she say "fortify."

14.Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and
income my wife.

Furthering your education with Today's
word:
Today's word is :"OMELETTE"
Let us use it in a sentence.
"I should pop yo *** fo what you jus did, but
omelette dis one slide."

2006-08-20 23:13:51 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

personkind can see from the moon.

2006-08-20 22:57:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."
Any idea? It's one of my favourites.

2006-08-20 22:44:17 · 6 answers · asked by McAtterie 6

what are the ingredients?

2006-08-20 22:38:16 · 11 answers · asked by police 6

A girl shows everything to her husband except one thing, and that thing she shows to everyone except her husband. what is it??

2006-08-20 22:35:10 · 40 answers · asked by fayaz 3

X=?

2006-08-20 22:22:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some do in Day, Some do in Night...., Some do for Half Hour...,Some do it Whole Night.....
WHATS THAT??????????
1} EATING
2} CHATTING
3} ******* (SEX)
4} MOBILE CHARGING

answer will be post on tomarrow
r type ur mail id to know answer soon
waiting to solve by u
Seee u friend
AND BEST WISHES 4U ALL

2006-08-20 22:17:55 · 29 answers · asked by sameer_pasha4 2

Coalition Spokeman *
The fact that the Iraqi chicken crossed the road affirmatively demonstrates that decision-making authority has been transferred to the chicken well in advance of the scheduled transition of power. From now on chicken is responsible for its own decisions.
Halliburton*
We were asked to help the chicken cross the road. Given the inherent risk of road crossing and the rarity of chickens, this operation will only cost the US government $326,004.
Muqtada al-Sadr*
The chicken was a tool of the evil Coalition and will be killed.
US Army Military Police*
We were directed to prepare the chicken to cross the road. As part of these preparations, individual soldiers ran over the chicken repeatedly and then plucked the chicken. We deeply regret the occurrence of any chicken rights violations.
Al Jazeera TV*
The chicken was forced to cross the road multiple times at gunpoint by a large group of occupation soldiers according to eye-witness

2006-08-20 22:05:08 · 10 answers · asked by Pd 6

tooo funny.......
>
> One day a man came home from work and was greeted by his wife,
> dressed in a sexy nightie.
>
> "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>
> So, he tied her up and went golfing.

2006-08-20 22:03:48 · 33 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A priest and a rabbi are standing by the sidewalk one day when a young boy walks by. The priest whispers conspiratorily to the rabbi, " Lets take that little boy inside and fu## him". The rabbi says " Sure", then stops himself, looks at the rabbi with a puzzeled expression and says " Fu## him out of what?"

2006-08-20 22:02:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-20 22:02:04 · 3 answers · asked by badbax 1

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.



One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?



The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"



Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.



Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold



Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".



The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"



Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."



At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.



And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"



Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."



Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.



The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.



For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.



Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........




...............................



.............................



"Bet you're sorry you neutered me.

2006-08-20 22:00:10 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Joshua and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Jacob, our prayers have been answered

2006-08-20 21:52:56 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

does anyone have any yo-momma jokes i probably dont know and they would like to tell me?

2006-08-20 21:45:08 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHT STAND

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry .Isthisyourhusband henervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

2006-08-20 21:40:13 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-20 21:39:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-20 21:38:24 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

The law professor was lecturing on courtroom procedure."When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law."
"But what if you have neither the facts nor the law on your side?"
"In that case," said the professor, "hammer away on the table."

2006-08-20 21:36:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

(this is a joke)

Answer: to get its Quarter Back!!!
ha ha ha ha ha lol! lol!

2006-08-20 21:13:48 · 8 answers · asked by starsunlimited 2

They can relate to them.

2006-08-20 21:05:46 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old bull and a young bull are looking down the hill at a small heard of hefers.Young bull :"Say, why don't we run down there real quick and screw one of those hefers?" Old bull :" Why don't just walk down there and screw'em all?"

2006-08-20 21:00:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid.
All the prostitutes were lined up outside the police
station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Granny coming
down the street and was so ashamed, Grandma didn't
know her occupation. Granny stopped to say hi, and
asked what the line was for.
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away
fresh oranges to those waiting. Granny said wonderful
she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.

He said, "How the heck do you do this at your age?"

She said "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"

The policeman fainted!

2006-08-20 20:40:59 · 16 answers · asked by trushka 4

how do you handle when it comes to you .......

2006-08-20 20:38:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature." "Cool," said the guy, "Count me in!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, 'Beware of Gays.

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing, 'Beware of Gays.'

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said,

'Sorry, you've had two warnings!'







he he he

2006-08-20 20:34:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-20 20:31:16 · 41 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second chimes in, "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today."

The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

2006-08-20 20:30:09 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.

"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam went over to Eve and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?'" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam went to Eve and caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."

"Lord, what is 'make love?'" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam went back to Eve.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

2006-08-20 20:27:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

.Farmer Brown came to town with some watermelons. He sold half of them
plus half a melon, and found that he had one whole melon left. How many melons did he take
to town?

2006-08-20 20:14:51 · 20 answers · asked by sag 1