Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Female Hormones

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff...... ..And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this onto your girlfriends who might need a good laugh! Or men
who
need a warning! And remember: Money talks...chocolate sings.

Another giggle... My boyfriend, unhappy with my mood swings, bought
me a mood-ring to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his
forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy diamonds.

Have some chocolate.




There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the
mirror that reflects it.
Edith Wharton

2006-08-20 17:43:03 · 6 answers · asked by JustLynn 6

2 of every coin?

5 of every coin?

10 of every coin?

15 of every coin

25 of every coin?



*put it in either US dollars or Canadian and state which one you use.

**bonus points will be given to those who give me the answer to both currencies.

2006-08-20 17:08:15 · 7 answers · asked by fuzzycakes 5

Why do cows wear bells?

2006-08-20 17:01:54 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

How can you hide an Elephant in the jungle?

Which is the loudest noise in the jungle?

2006-08-20 16:51:28 · 13 answers · asked by ruzhkata 1

what r u get if u travel the world with the titanic?

2006-08-20 16:47:26 · 17 answers · asked by ryn 2

2006-08-20 16:47:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-20 16:40:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

2006-08-20 16:32:58 · 48 answers · asked by aoinerekai 3

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her
> > telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
> > occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before
> > the phone rang.
> >
> > The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
> > psychic dog or senile elderly lady.
> >
> > He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed
> > the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the
> > dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
> >
> > Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
> > 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel
> > chain and collar.
> > 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
> > 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
> > number was called.
> > 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
> > urinate on himself and the ground.
> > 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
> > ring.
> >
> > Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and
> > moaning.

2006-08-20 16:31:09 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

i just click on a link and my computer & monitor went wild,,a bunch of unknown things started popping on the monitor...then my avg anti virus warned me of viruses infecting the computer,, i had to unplug at the wall receptical to stop it....i did a lot of scanning to fix the problem...just watch what link you click onto.

2006-08-20 16:18:14 · 7 answers · asked by sheepherder 2

The American says: "I'm from Texas. Y'know down where I come from I can get up in the mornin' and drive my car all day. And at the end of the day I'm STILL on my ranch."

And the Aussie says: "Yeah, I had a car like that once."

2006-08-20 16:14:42 · 12 answers · asked by Rex 4

clue #1 "I'M LONG AND HARD"

clue #2 "WHEN YOU GRAB ME YOU HOLD ME TIGHT WITH TWO HANDS "

clue #3 "YOU USE ME TO GET HIGH"

WHAT AM I?

2006-08-20 16:12:11 · 14 answers · asked by Gurlie 2

2006-08-20 15:59:29 · 13 answers · asked by LiN 6

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

2006-08-20 15:53:01 · 10 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

I'm one of five, I'm not alive.
The one who sent me forth became king,
The one who received me died.
What am I?

2006-08-20 15:30:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

riddle 4 here it is

2006-08-20 15:29:19 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-20 15:27:54 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sarah went to get her drivers license. When asked her age, she replied: "My age today is
three times what it will be three years from now minus three times what my age was three
years ago." How old is Sarah?



:) first correct answerer gets 10 points

2006-08-20 15:27:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a farmer met a farmer in a farmer's field, how many F's are in that?


first correct answerer gets 10 points

2006-08-20 15:18:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes out drinking every night, returning to his home in the wee hours of every morning. No matter how much he drinks, he never gets a hangover. This drink is very well known, but is rarely consumed, served warm and taken straight from its source. The man is a sucker for a free drink, especially since he can't live without it.
What is his favorite drink?



hey guys this is my first riddle for today some more coming up later, and of course they will get harder ;)

2006-08-20 15:15:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-20 14:52:14 · 12 answers · asked by robbo 1

S*X AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back & inform the other of the after life. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life. After a long life together, the husband was the first to go. True to his word he made contact. "Phyllis, Phyllis"

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

" Well, I get up in the morning & I have s*x. I have breakfast, then it's off to the golf course & I have s*x again. I bathe in the sun & then I have s*x twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then s*x pretty much all afternoon. After supper, I'm off to the golf course again. Then I have s*x until late at night. The next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, my, Fred, you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

2006-08-20 14:35:42 · 15 answers · asked by hlpz76 4

because he likes women ha ha ha ------------------

2006-08-20 14:29:15 · 12 answers · asked by New York 2

Does anyone remember them? Isn't this alot like that?

2006-08-20 14:18:00 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ask your doctor about _____, natural _____ _____!

2006-08-20 14:02:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am doing a scavenger hunt around a typical neighborhood for teenagers and am having trouble with what to put on the list for them to find. Also they will have a camera with them so it could be them doing something or standing in front of something ect. PS. they can't drive a car. So a list of things to find would be great. thx

I know this doesn't belong in this category but I am striving for answers and figured if I put it in this category I could get some funny things for them to do too. Also when I asked it in the right catogory I only got 3 answers and i defently need more than that! So Please help me with this list. Longest list with best things on it gets the 10 points.
thanks again. :)

2006-08-20 13:54:45 · 4 answers · asked by jcturtle001 4

my funniest will have to be Facle just an inside joke between me and Danny someone from camp......who knows what it means but it is so funny! So tell me some funny stories and funniest will get 10 pointz!
thanxs i feel the need to laugh

2006-08-20 13:53:43 · 6 answers · asked by ~*Star*~ 3

the more you talk about stupid actions the better chance of best answer

2006-08-20 13:48:41 · 25 answers · asked by will 1

One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

2006-08-20 13:47:01 · 11 answers · asked by Idunno 3

someone." Tired of his boasting, his boss said, "OK, how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, Tom & I are old friends, & I can prove it." They fly to Hollywood & knock on Tom Cruise's door. Sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you! Come in & join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave, he tells Ole he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "Name anyone else," Ole says. ''Pres. Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Ole says, "I know him. His boss retorts if you can prove it, I'll fly to Wash. to see him." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Ole on the tour & motions him & his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was on my way to a mtg., but you & your friend come in & have a cup of coffee 1st and catch up." The boss is very shaken by now, but still not convinced.

2006-08-20 13:44:57 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous