Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2.These words belong to the same logical family:
UNDECEIVABLE
SIMULTANEOUS
ALIMENTATION
CAUTIOUSNESS
GLADIATORIAL
FORAMINIFERA
Which of these words belongs too? Why?
PHILANTHROPY
SEISMOLOGIST
ONOMATOPOEIA
REAPPEARANCE

2006-08-20 20:12:48 · 9 answers · asked by sag 1

Iz dis phuny?




A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your out of bed, you , and fix that kid some ice cream."

2006-08-20 20:11:09 · 10 answers · asked by LiN 6

2006-08-20 20:10:50 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Gen.Musharaaf came to India,the then prime minister Vajpayee said to him that all his ministers are intelligent.He also said that he will ask a question to his minister and the minister will give him the correct answer. Saying this he called L.K.Advani and asked "he is neither ur brother not ur sister but he is the only child of ur parents.who is he". L.K.Advani said "its me". The General was amazed.
On returning to his country,he called one of his ministers and asked the same question. His minister was not able to answer him.Musharaaf got anger and said to him " within 24 hrs i should get the answer". The minister was afaraid and decided that Benazir Bhutto is the correct person to answer this question.He went and asked the same.She replied "Its me". The minister was happy and went to Musharraf and said "Presi i have founded the answer and its Benazir Bhutto".
Musharraf replied "You Idiot, its L.K.Advani"

2006-08-20 20:06:59 · 8 answers · asked by kanna 3

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I`d like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursued them to give up drugs forever. I`ll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That`s wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That`s admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That`s amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, `This is your a-s-shole before prison..."

2006-08-20 20:05:59 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

ten points to the funniest dirty blonde joke.

2006-08-20 20:03:12 · 7 answers · asked by fuzzy_keno 3

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

2006-08-20 20:02:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine.

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey? I just can never trust him! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

2006-08-20 20:00:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blonde prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

Two Prostitutes - $50.00

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

Jesus Saves

One of the blondes asks the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the same two blonde ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00

2006-08-20 19:57:49 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

On a flight James bond was sitting next to a Telugu guy.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Telugu Guy: "Hello, May I know your name please?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > James Bond: "My name is Bond" Continuing in his inimitable style,
> >
> >
> > "......James Bond."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Then Bond asks: "And you?"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Telugu Guy: "My name is Rao...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Siva Rao...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Samba Siva Rao...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba Siva Rao...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda Venkata Samba
> >
> >
> > Siva Rao...
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Vijayawada Sitaramanjaneyula Rajasekhara Yarlagadda
> >
> >
> > Venkata Samba Siva Rao..."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Since then when anyone asks Bond his name he simply says "James
>Bond"

2006-08-20 19:44:10 · 10 answers · asked by Kate Jones 2

Bush, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia are traveling
>>in a train.
>> >The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
>> >Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes
>> >out of the tunnel. The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking
>> >perplexed. Bush is bent over holding his face, which is red from an
>> >apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says
>> >anything.
>> >Sonia is thinking:
>> >These Americans are all crazy after Aishwarya. Bush must have tried
>> >to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
>> >Aishwarya is thinking:
>> >Bush must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got
>> >slapped.
>> >Bush is thinking:
>> >Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have
>> >thought it was me and slapped me.
>> >Manmohan is thinking:
>> >If this train goes through another
>>tunnel I will make another
>> >kissing sound and slap Bush again

2006-08-20 19:39:04 · 58 answers · asked by Kate Jones 2

apparentley it comes from a childrens poem like the Owl and the Pussycat

2006-08-20 19:35:15 · 13 answers · asked by topman 2

No rude answers thanks!

2006-08-20 19:33:51 · 15 answers · asked by ♥dazed 3

Last time we saw this riddle:

Do you know the story about the peacock?
A: Yea, its a beautiful tail.

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Why is it so easy to buy cloth for a psychic?

Have fun!

2006-08-20 19:30:23 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-08-20 19:25:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.

The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again. The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute. Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.

The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Dave fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

2006-08-20 19:24:12 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

2006-08-20 19:07:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs stood a stewardess who was collecting tickets.
So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said,"I'm sorry sir, you have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

2006-08-20 19:00:56 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you guess my name include my Zodiac sign

mpst important is that I'm a girl (Ijust use Male avatar only for fun)

2006-08-20 18:39:13 · 20 answers · asked by Roxas 3

choke the chicken !

clearing the snorkel,

aditioning the pupet,

flicking the bean

ect...

2006-08-20 18:30:48 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

(of the highest level)

2006-08-20 18:23:20 · 6 answers · asked by Deve 2

2006-08-20 18:13:48 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer!" says the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager!"
"I am replies the balloonist, but how did you know?"

2006-08-20 18:07:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said; "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.

2006-08-20 18:07:16 · 13 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

In heaven there were two lines. One said "Men who were bossed by their wives," and the other one said,"Men who weren't bossed by their wives".

There was a big line for the first one, but then the man who was checking peoples name in the book of life saw one man in the other line. So he told the guys to wait. He asked the man why he was in that line.

The man replied,"My wife told me to."

2006-08-20 18:04:22 · 10 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

Beans beans they're good for your heart
The more you eat them, the more you fart

2006-08-20 17:57:00 · 4 answers · asked by Jacks036 5

I don't want a long jokes. Use simple words.

2006-08-20 17:56:23 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

nothing-they both end up in a satisfied pussi :-)

2006-08-20 17:55:00 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I made you look, you dirty crook
You stole your mama's pocketbook
You turned it in, you turned it out
You turned it into sauerkrout

OMG do you remember that? I think we said it while jumping rope like 100 years ago.

2006-08-20 17:54:07 · 7 answers · asked by Jacks036 5

1. dig t china with a spoon
2. empty the ocean wth an eydropper
3. push a big rock up t a non endng hill

2006-08-20 17:46:47 · 15 answers · asked by purple24 1