Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

10 Points to the first person to guess, in what city I live in. Clue # 1. I live in the US. Clue # 2. I live in a city with a large population. (more than 250,000 people) Clue # 3. My city is well known for a certain favorite food, of many Americans.
Where do I live?

2006-08-21 07:21:47 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, doctor. Usually a see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's pee."
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, "No, we've already peed."
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So? Did you do as I said?
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?"
"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's **** a little."

2006-08-21 07:21:46 · 21 answers · asked by Pd 6

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen
her
excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had
found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer
asked her stepmom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not.
I look
like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she
replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind
sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous
dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,
"Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have
another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm
wearing
it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."
IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJO

2006-08-21 07:04:45 · 21 answers · asked by Poptart 5

can anyone pick my spirits up?

2006-08-21 07:03:00 · 5 answers · asked by david t 1

i neeeed a good joke

2006-08-21 06:21:03 · 27 answers · asked by Hot jamacian chica 2

What is a 3 letter word for water? What is a 3 letter word for grass?

You have to answer both.

2006-08-21 06:04:16 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't freaking bother you for weeks!

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the...?")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-21 06:01:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

multiply three and four three times.
What is the correct answer?

2006-08-21 06:01:28 · 30 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

wat kinda apple did eve eat?? give me a good knockout laughter!!

2006-08-21 05:51:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The glass did'nt fall on him,and it wasn't broken before it killed him.So how did he die?

2006-08-21 05:51:29 · 19 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

2006-08-21 05:02:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 04:55:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 04:53:39 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you we are but dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?" Church was pretty much over at that point...

2006-08-21 04:49:11 · 9 answers · asked by xxxx 2

no serious answer please

2006-08-21 04:46:56 · 14 answers · asked by BOYCUTE 2

A: Fo' Drizzle!

Get it? hahaha


Now tell me your best short joke.

2006-08-21 04:46:24 · 8 answers · asked by casey_leftwich 5

NO serious answer please!!!!!!!! lol

2006-08-21 04:44:30 · 11 answers · asked by BOYCUTE 2

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries have a use by date?

2006-08-21 04:38:17 · 12 answers · asked by LiN 6

2006-08-21 04:24:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Take the wives of Henry VII of England, multiply that number by the number of dwarfs that befriended Snow White, divide by the number of seas, and multiply by the number that represents "love" in tennis. What is your answer ?

2. If 6 is 5, and 7 is 8, and 10 is 5 too, what is 9?

2006-08-21 04:24:03 · 16 answers · asked by rocky 3

why ???

2006-08-21 04:23:43 · 18 answers · asked by BOYCUTE 2

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
>> they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
>> "Since Valentine's Day is named after a Christian saint and we're
>> Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a
>> valentine?"
>> Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God
>> would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
>> "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
>> "Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock.
>> "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
>> could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to
>> think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
>> little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to
>> Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the
>> place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate
>> anyone anymore."
>> Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
>> pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
>> "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
>> Marines could blow the sh*t out of him.

2006-08-21 04:21:20 · 11 answers · asked by xxxx 2

I was watching a program last night where Dawn French interviewed famous female comedians and nearly all of them said that in order to find a guy they had to try not to act funnier than him... is this true, are men put off by girls with a sense of humour??

2006-08-21 04:13:00 · 17 answers · asked by bex 4

There are 3 boys named shut up, manners, and caca.

one day, shut up is walking home from school and then a police man pulls him over.

the officer says, what is your name.

shut up responds "shut up"

the officer says" what is your name"

shut up says "shut up"

officer says "im only going to ask you one more time what is your name!!"\
shut up responds "shut up"

then the officer says "young man where are you manners"

then shut up says " oh yeah manners is over there playing with caca."

2006-08-21 04:08:52 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Why do u have to go to bed ?

2. What does no man want, yet no man wants to lose?

3. There is a dead man in the center of a field.
He carried with him an unopened package.
As he neared the center of the field, he knew he was going to die.
How did he know he was going to die?

2006-08-21 04:05:50 · 16 answers · asked by rocky 3

2006-08-21 04:03:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 03:56:26 · 18 answers · asked by Wendy C 1

2006-08-21 03:48:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

DEPENDS=) stupid joke i know.

2006-08-21 03:41:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 03:36:48 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous