Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

talking on the phone... hello... really? uh huh... my grandfather died today too. I am sorry to hear about your grandfather. I cant believe that your grandfather and my grandfather both died today. uh huh...your grandfather died at the same place as mine wow that is something else. when is your grandfathers funeral? on tues? mine too.. what time? 2pm? wow mine too.
hangs up the phone and thinks to himself.. "wow my brothers grandfather died to day just like my grandfather did. and his funeral is on tues just like mine. and at the same time. how am I going to go to his grandfathers funeral when I will be at my grandfathers funeral?"

2006-08-21 16:00:19 · 35 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

2006-08-21 16:00:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

2006-08-21 15:59:44 · 17 answers · asked by SPARTAN 2

What is the worst or cheeziest pick up line for a girl? be creatvie now!

2006-08-21 15:41:31 · 25 answers · asked by Im sorry if i hurt you♥ 2

2006-08-21 15:41:17 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 15:39:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

keep on saying that STUPID joke about what greater than god rich people want it and poor people got? WHY its like the dummest joke/riddle ever. so STOP SAYING IT

2006-08-21 15:29:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

These 2 blondes were driving down the road while drinking beer. Suddenly they saw police lights in the rearview mirror. "What do we do," asked the passenger. "Just follow my lead," the driver blonde said. She peepled the label off the beer bottle and stuck it to her forehead. The passenger blonde does the same. Then the police officer walks up to the window. "Have you ladies been drinking?'' the officer asked. "Of course not," answered the blonde driver. "See, we're on the patch!"

okay there it is, did you like it?

2006-08-21 15:20:53 · 50 answers · asked by Jenae, TV (tempter of the vile) 5

A polish man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another man. He grabs his GUN, and his wife and the other man started screaming. The polish man takes the gun, points it to his OWN HEAD, and said, "SHUT UP!! YOU'RE NEXT!!"

2006-08-21 15:11:21 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nothing against Polish people, but that's what the jokes were called.

2006-08-21 15:03:53 · 20 answers · asked by Hulkerino 4

i need the most funniest and smartest comment, to send it to a special person.

2006-08-21 15:03:40 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jimmy was playing on his dads computer for three hours straight. His dad, Howard Jones, walks in and says "Okay Jimmy, get of the computer now"

Jimmy says "One sec"

The Dad says again "Jimmy get off the computer right now"

Jimmy says once again "Wait, one sec!"

(This is the part you read out loud) Just as the mother walkes in the dad says once again "Jimmy get off the computer right now! And don't give me any more secs!"

"HOWARD!!!"

2006-08-21 14:48:17 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family is going to Disney World and the driver is the mom which is a blonde.They finaly get close and the sign says:Disney World Left.Sooo the blonde turns around and goes back home.LOL

I thought it was funny

2006-08-21 14:47:00 · 18 answers · asked by Waz Up? 3

2006-08-21 14:42:59 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

Work is going slow tonight so I need to waste some points and time. Here goes:

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a rowboat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this, the other blonde replies, "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Have a good one!

2006-08-21 14:38:34 · 17 answers · asked by ? 6

A guy had a parrot and everytime the guy brought a girl to his apartment, the parrot would say "somebody's going to get laid", "somebody's going to get laid". This happended a few more times. So the guy thought of getting the parrot a mate. So he went to the pet shop, he asked for a parrot, but they didn't have any, the store owner says to him I dont have a parrot but I have an owl. So the guy thought that an owl was better than noting, so he took the owl home. That night he put the parrot and the owl in the closet, he brought a girl to his apt. The parrot started saying again "somebody's going to get laid" "somebody's going to get laid". The owl said "who, who", the parrot said not you, you flat nose bastard.

2006-08-21 14:36:59 · 24 answers · asked by lady love 2

2006-08-21 14:32:34 · 11 answers · asked by Bill 6

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

2006-08-21 14:30:25 · 11 answers · asked by ? 6

make me laugh, i'll give you 10 pts. 2pts for trying.

2006-08-21 14:30:02 · 18 answers · asked by xknyghtmayre 4

He wanted to see time fly. What's your answer?

2006-08-21 14:20:40 · 14 answers · asked by Jenifer 3

Three men were driving down the road,a white man,a black man and a mexican,the white man bought a soda,took a sip,and threw the can out the window, the black man says,"Why did you do that,man?"the white man replies"Theres a lot of them were I'm from," Then the mexican pulled out his cigarettes, lit one ,took one puff, and threw it out the window,the black man says,"why did you do that, man?"the mexican replies,"theres a lot of them were I'm from." the black man sits there,very confused,then he suddenly grabbed the mexican and threw him out the window,the white man says what the@@@@ did you do that for?" the black man says,"teres a lot of them were I'm from."

2006-08-21 14:02:12 · 14 answers · asked by its_me!!! 1

example:
bob:how r u jerry?
jerry:fine
bob:i just did your wife last night
jerry:wow,how was it?
bob:it was awsome dude!
lol some thing like that.

2006-08-21 13:51:41 · 14 answers · asked by Talia C 2

dear readers this is really important For my drama class I need a joke. A knock-knock joke it has to be clean nothing they would't allow in school. Please help this assignment is due tomorrow! toodles thanks

2006-08-21 13:51:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

please keep them short sweet and clean

I let her pick her favorite--and award the points

2006-08-21 13:50:30 · 7 answers · asked by creative rae 4

2006-08-21 13:44:04 · 3 answers · asked by XO_cutiepie_XO 1

Steve Stewart and Joe Nuxhall ( a former major league pitcher ) were broadcasting the Reds / Phillies game one night last week, and when the game had gone into the 14th inning and the Reds were running out of pitchers, Steve asked Joe if there was any chance that he could be reactivated. Joe's response? I'm always active, but I don't know about the "vated" part. I just about laughed my a** off!

2006-08-21 13:25:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is a cheerleader's favorite drink?

2006-08-21 13:25:19 · 7 answers · asked by shylilgurl 1

If so, I LOVE YOU!!!

2006-08-21 13:09:53 · 16 answers · asked by Breezy3 2

Translated from Russian

There are 3 men in a bar talking.
1st: "Last night I was walking home and in front of me was this one girl... i thought to myslf, well, no one's around, and it's dark so...I start walking faster... and she starts walking faster... then I start running after her... and she starts running! Then finally we get to a bus stop...and she gets on the bus and rides off."
2nd: "Last night when I was walking, there were 2 girls walking in front of me... so I thought, no one's around, and it's dark so... I start walking faster...and she starts walking faster...I start running...she starts running... We get to a bus stop.... and she hops on the bus and takes off."
3rd: "Last night when I was walking, there was a gay guy walking behind me... no one was around and it was dark! So he started walking faster...and I started walking faster... he starts running after me...I start running... I finally get to a bus stop.... and........"
"and?"
"And I missed the bus!"

2006-08-21 13:02:52 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old lady walked into a Grocery Store.
She wanted to buy the best dog food in the world for her little puppy. She went up to the cash register to buy the food. The saleslady told her that the store did not allow old ladies to buy animal food unless they show the actual animal because a lot of old ladies like to eat the animal food themselves. So, the old lady went home, got her dog and went back to the store to buy her dog food. The next day she came back to buy the best cat food around. But the Sales lady told her the same thing, so the old lady went back home and brought her cat to the Grocery Store to buy the cat food. the next day the old lady went to the Grocery Store again carrying a big container. She went up to the the sales lady and said, " Put your hand inside here "The Saleslady shook her head. " NO " , she said, " there is probably something in there that will bite me! " "I promise you there is nothing in the box that will bite u. the lady sitcks her hand in and screams

2006-08-21 12:45:27 · 15 answers · asked by teehee311 1