Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we
have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all
put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL
3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When say
BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going
to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and
yelled, "BELL 1!" The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!", the wife jumped into bed. When he
yelled "BELL 3!", they began making love. After a few minutes the wife
yelled "BELL 4!" "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

2006-08-21 22:22:20 · 12 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long

> > > before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the

> > > shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

> > >

> > > A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door

> > > and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber

> > > looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About

> > > 3 hours." The guy leaves.

> > >

> > > A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and

> > > asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber

> > > looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half."

> > > The guy leaves.

> > >

> > > The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey

> > > , Bill, do me a favor, will you? Follow that guy and see

> > > where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a

> > > haircut, but then doesn't come back."

> > >

> > > A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop,

> > > laughing hysterically. The barber asks in a serious tone,

> > > "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?" Bill looks up

> > > with tears in his eyes from the laughter and says, "Your

> > > house!"

2006-08-21 22:06:39 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Once there were three friends.One of them was married .Once the married one happened to go out.Then his 2 friends fucked his wife.Her husband then came toknow afetrwards about this
Next time when he went out,he kept a blade in his wife's Vagina.Then when he cma eback found that the on of his friends penis was cut .Then he said to the other"man .you are my true friend".But when he opened his mouth his toungue was cut!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-21 22:04:21 · 18 answers · asked by webmas2004 1

2006-08-21 22:02:27 · 12 answers · asked by david john s 1

2006-08-21 21:40:40 · 18 answers · asked by Nisha 4

first one gets best answer

2006-08-21 21:35:43 · 17 answers · asked by tracegeezer 2

Hecules is a nickname for something i have............so what makes it stronger & bigger?

2006-08-21 21:32:32 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Best punchline gets 10 pts.

2006-08-21 21:30:40 · 13 answers · asked by maes_quest 3

2006-08-21 21:29:50 · 17 answers · asked by maes_quest 3

A useful tool roughly measuring 7 inches in length
Usually it’s found hung, dangling, but ready for instant action
At one end it has a clump of hairy things, whilst at the other end has a small hole. Enjoyment of its functioning can be had by both sexes
When used its inserted willing sometimes fast, sometimes slow into a warm fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust quickly in and drawn out, again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Somebody found listing in would most likely recognize the pulsing rhythmic sounds emanating from the well-lubricated movements…
When withdrawn, it leaves a juicy frothy, and stick white substance, some of which needs cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything’s done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, its returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for another bit of action, maybe reaching its bristling climax a couple of times a day, but often much less.
As I’m sure you’ve guessed, the answer to this riddle is none other than your own

2006-08-21 21:27:44 · 15 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

the right answer wins!

2006-08-21 21:25:35 · 12 answers · asked by random_me 2

Wierd hey! Or is it wceird, lol.

2006-08-21 21:24:36 · 8 answers · asked by Purplgirl 5

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart.
She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with an Avon Pine Scented deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator. He began to sniff, and
the Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes I do," he replied.

"What does it smell like? "she asked,
The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone **** under a Christmas tree

2006-08-21 21:24:27 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

They learned that when males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penis. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches . . .

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??" she asked.

"No ... but it's turned black." he replied.

2006-08-21 21:22:21 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Blonde joke of the month: A blond woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard. A pigeon flew over them and pooped
on his head. "S- - -." the man said. "Get some
toilet paper."
"What for?" the blonde asked." He must be a
half a mile away by now."

2006-08-21 21:19:49 · 18 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Life in the army

Letter from a Tumba kid to Mum and Dad.

(For those of you not in the know, Tumba is short for Tumbarumba,a small town not far from Wagga Wagga, NSW.)


Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack---nothing.

Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing.

Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs, but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew.

You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons
did when our bull got their cow pregnant.
All yas gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo
shooting truck when you reload.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8, and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought
to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Jill.

2006-08-21 21:18:13 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

read this



Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can
read it.
>
>
>I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,
the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit
a >porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
>istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas
thought slpeling was ipmorantt!
>

2006-08-21 21:13:45 · 38 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks,
"What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

2006-08-21 21:13:30 · 7 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day she'd had at work, and that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.

"How horrible!" said the friend, "What did you do?"

The blonde replies, "Well there was nothing I could do. He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!"

2006-08-21 21:09:52 · 8 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

the bear turns to the rabbit and says do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur and the rabbit says no the bear the bear says good and picks rabbit up and wipes

2006-08-21 21:01:41 · 12 answers · asked by know it all 2

Hint its a parody of a line he used where he played a military man

2006-08-21 20:36:46 · 7 answers · asked by gerbil31603 5

send me something realllllllyyy funny!

2006-08-21 20:16:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 20:14:48 · 16 answers · asked by Rah 1

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

2006-08-21 19:34:39 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Previously, we had this riddle:

Why is it so easy to buy cloth for a psychic?
A: Because it's always a medium.

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Why did the banker quit his job?

Have fun!

2006-08-21 19:30:25 · 8 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-08-21 19:26:33 · 39 answers · asked by niths 1

2006-08-21 19:24:02 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake,
and the waves that were beating on the shore were
hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion
nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for the
young man to whisper, "Darling am I the first man
to make love to you?"

Her tone upon answering was slightly more than
irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And
also the best too. I don't know why you men
always ask the same old ridiculous questions."

2006-08-21 19:11:30 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

For an obedience test, the priest tells three nuns go do something bad.

Being respectful they say ok.

The first nun comes back crying the priest says "what did you do?"

The nun says, "I robbed a bank."

He says, "go take a drink of holly water you'll feel better."

The second nun comes back crying he says "what did you do?"

She says I murdered someone.

Again the priest says, "go take a drink of the holly water you'll feel better."

The third nun comes back laughing her head off.

The priest says, "whats so funny?"

She says, "I peeed in the holly water!"

2006-08-21 19:11:22 · 18 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

"Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of."

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldn't go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

"Aye, lad, 'ere's ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there you'll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think you'll find this arrangement satisfactory."

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his manhood and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

On the sixth night, the captain said, "Not tonight, laddie; it's your turn in the barrel."

2006-08-21 19:06:06 · 18 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3