Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

2006-08-21 19:03:58 · 21 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

Richard and his wife, Denise were playing cards with Frank and his wife, Lisa. During the game, Frank dropped a card on the floor and while he leaned down to pick it up, he noticed Denise was wearing no underwear, with her legs open. Later, Frank went into the kitchen for drinks only to be followed by Denise. She made an interesting proposal to him. "I know you liked what you saw in there. If you want some of it, you can stop by my house on Tuesday at 11am. My husband will be at work. The only thing is it will cost you $250." They finished playing cards and Frank comtemplated her offer.Tuesday came along and at 11am sharp, Frank was at the home of Denise. He went in, they did their do and he gave her the $250.
Later that evening, Richard arrived home from work. After settling in, he asked Denise "Was Frank over here today?" "Yes," she replied. "Did he come in and talk to you?" "Yes," she relied nervously. "Good. He called me at work and said he'd be dropping off the $250 he owed me!"

2006-08-21 18:52:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a waitress walks up to a customer at a restraunt and asked him what he would like to order. the customer replies "I would like a french dip" the waitress replies " we are out of french dips, but how about a dumb blonde?"

2006-08-21 18:45:19 · 11 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

An Irishman goes to the Doctor with bottom problems. "Dactor, it's me harse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look. "Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."

Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears. "This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.

Finally the last note comes out and no more appear. "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. " £1,990 exactly." "Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman "I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."

2006-08-21 18:42:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What it is? if u r intelligent answer me.

2006-08-21 18:40:51 · 21 answers · asked by archanarawat23 2

There was once an old man and a parrot living all alone together for like 40 years.


One day, the parrot came to the old man and said, "you know, I've never had a sex in my life."

So the old man, as a favour to his best friend, went to the pet store and talked the owner into letting him use a female parrot for one night for the fee of 40 dollars.


He took the female home, put it into the cage with his parrot, covered the cage and went to bed. He was awoken in the middle of the night to the female parrot screaming she was being killed.

He ran out and pulled the cover off the cage. There he saw his male parrot ripping all the feathers off of the female. "What are you doing?" the old man screamed.


The parrot replied, "Are you kidding, for 40 dollars, I at least want the b-i-t-c-h naked!"

2006-08-21 18:39:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush held a special news conference in Tallahassee today to inform the people of Florida of a number of new state symbols. The changes take effect immediately and must be implemented by all official agencies. The changes are as follows:

The Florida State Flag will now be a blue tarp.

The license plate symbol of two oranges will be replaced by a chainsaw.

The new State Song will be "Blowin' in the Wind".

The State Motto will now be "Oh my God, Here comes another one!"

The new State Beverage will be ...anything with an alcohol base.

The new State Tree will be ...anything left standing at the end of hurricane season.

The new State Bird will be the "whipper" will.

The new State Nickname will be "State of Disaster".

However, keep in mind, that Disney will be the "last man standing" as they are up and running the next day.

2006-08-21 18:37:40 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.

Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, "I got a suggestion that's sure to help."

"Tell me, Tell me!" said the young dude.

"Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"You damn betcha," said the old man.

The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?"

"Yeah - If'n you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun'll slide out a lot smoother."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"You damn betcha."

The dude did as he was told, then drew his gun, and lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player. "This is really helping me out! Is there anything else you can share with me?"

"One more thing," said the old timer. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun."

The fellow didn't hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.

"No, no, the whole gun," said the graybeard. "Handle and everything."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that bar piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a-s-s and this way it won't hurt so much."

2006-08-21 18:36:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the National Spelling Bee this week in the nation's capital, Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city.

The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, Md., when young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied:

'J...E...R.....USA.....L...E...M.'

An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized for the first time a USA presence in the holy city.

Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel.

"It's a clear violation of church and state," said Muhammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite.

Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.

"There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."

2006-08-21 18:27:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three of these statements are false. Name them.
1.7 x 4 >20.
2. 6+7=13
3. 20% of 10=5
4. 64 -12 =52
5. 11 x 10=111

2006-08-21 18:24:39 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Prince Charles was driving around the Windsor Castle estate when he accidentally ran over his mother's favourite corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass, totally distraught. The whole world was against him anyway, and now his mother would go ballistic.

Suddenly, he noticed an old oil lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up, started cleaning it up, and immediately a genie appeared.

"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish."

"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog.

"Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.

The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"

The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman named Camilla," and he showed the second photo to the genie. "You can see that Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"

The genie studied the two photographs and, after a few minutes, said, "Let's have another look at that dog."

2006-08-21 18:24:13 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.

That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"

"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"

With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."

2006-08-21 18:21:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

why is there no joke about whites its always about blacks and jews and catholics? unless it is a blonde joke???????

2006-08-21 18:09:15 · 8 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door.

A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?"

Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?"

The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent."

Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?"

The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city."

So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door.

The same nun answers and says "What now?"

Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?"

The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!"

Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?"

The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!"

So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers.

Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?"

The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!"

Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?"

The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face.

Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting, "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"

2006-08-21 18:08:36 · 12 answers · asked by Woody 3

The white missionary was in big trouble. The tribal chief was very angry.

"My sister had white baby last night and you're the only white man in this area. You must die for this breach of tribal law."

"But Chief!", said the missionary nervously, "I know it looks that way but these things happen. For instance, see your flock of sheep over there? Can you see the black sheep? There is only one."

"Alright, alright". replied the Chief. "I'll keep quiet if you'll keep it quiet."

2006-08-21 18:05:51 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

A guy worked in an adult book store. One afternoon his friend walked in.

The guy said, "Dude, thank goodness you showed up!" "I'm starving, and I need you to watch the counter for me for a few minutes, while I run across the street to get some lunch."

The friend looked around the store, then looked back at his friend oddly.

The guy said, "Dude, don't ask any questions, just sell it to em."

The friend said, "Ok". So the guy left. A customer came in, and went up to the counter.

She said, "I want a vibrator. What do you have?" The friend said, "We got red ones, white ones, black ones, big ones, little ones and medium sized ones."

The lady said, "I'll take a little red one to carry in my bag." He sold it to her.

Another woman walked in. She approached the counter and said, "I would like a vibrator, what do you have?"

The friend replied, "Red, black or white, large, medium or small.

The woman asked, "Well, what about the red, white and black checkered one up there?"

The friend said, "Well, I'll sell it to ya if you want," so she bought it.

A few minutes later the guy came back from lunch and said, "Thanks Dude, you're a life saver. So did you sell anything?"

The friend said, "Yeah, I sold a little red vibrator and a thermos."

2006-08-21 18:02:41 · 5 answers · asked by Woody 3

this guy who is a truck driver was on a run with his dog, well at a truck stop the dog got hit and died. the guy went to a pet shop to get a new dog.

The pet shops owner says well what the hell do u want a dog for? ive got a toothless rat.

the guy says well what do i want a toothless rat for?

So the owner tells him to pull down his pants and he did.

the rat ran over and gave him the best blowjo* of his life. and the guy says ill take it.

so he heads home and he opened the door and the rat ran up on the couch.

his wife asked what the hell is that..


to this the man replies, dont worry what it is, teach it to cook and get the f#ck out.



let me know what u think

2006-08-21 17:56:55 · 11 answers · asked by rosewalker1987 2

Fred comes to visit Paul and his family. Paul has three daughters and Fred wants to know how old they are. Paul wants to have a little fun with Fred and tells him "the product of their ages is 72 and the sum of their ages is my house number." Fred runs out and looks at the house number and comes back and says he needs more information. Paul says "the oldest likes strawberry ice cream." What are the girl's ages?

2006-08-21 17:56:40 · 9 answers · asked by Erika 2

2006-08-21 17:49:26 · 32 answers · asked by calpal2001 4

Twelve pears hanging high,
twelve men passing by,
each took a pear and left eleven hanging there. How can this be? How can eleven pears be left?


he he......

2006-08-21 17:40:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
2. Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!"
3. Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.
4. I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."
5. A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

2006-08-21 17:19:07 · 13 answers · asked by lkwood39 2

A Tennessee country preacher had a teenage son, and as he neared the end of high school it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study desk three items: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The older man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the three items on the desk. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. His father, watching quietly, started to silently thank the Lord. But then his son picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket, and twisted the top off the bottle and took a big drink!

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

2006-08-21 17:06:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into the kitchen and finds his young blonde wife sitting at the table sobbing.

"What's the problem?" he asks.


She replies, "My brother called to wish me happy birthday."

"But that's good -- why are you crying?" he asks.

"He's been arrested," she wails.

"What for?"

"I don't know," she sobs. "He had to hang up before I asked. All I know is, he said he was calling me on his cell phone."

2006-08-21 17:03:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yessss!" the drunk says upon seeing the cop's badge glisten in the streetlights. "Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wazzzz on the end of thisshh key," the man says, holding up his key ring.

"About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's privates hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

"Oh my god! " the drunk screams after he looks down at his fly. "My girlfriend's gone, too!"

2006-08-21 17:02:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water. “Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?” Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” “As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back. The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

2006-08-21 16:55:59 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

first correct answer will get best rating. thanks!

2006-08-21 16:40:07 · 15 answers · asked by skippythefrog 2

Red, white, red.
Why do people want to blow me away?

2006-08-21 16:37:35 · 11 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

thare was a blond, brown and a red head. on thare way up stairs each stair told a joke it you laughed at the joke you would start back at the bottom (thare is 100 steps) The red head made it past 5 stairs, the blond 17 stair, and the brown got to the very last step and started laughing befor the step told the joke. The stair asked " Why are you laughing? I havent told the joke."
The brown answerd " I just got the first joke."

jeck out http://pic7.piczo.com/Lansdowne-LightningsGO/?g=4825&cr=7

2006-08-21 16:20:53 · 17 answers · asked by Rain-- 3

And if you're really in the explaining mood tell me the difference between dots, spots and SPLODGES! i've always wanted to know...

2006-08-21 16:12:16 · 8 answers · asked by fatgoldfish91 2

my lil bro wants to kno that

2006-08-21 16:06:49 · 12 answers · asked by Myleaka 3