Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

There was a huge feild. In the middle of the feild was a man lying there--dead!!! But beside him, was a small package, unopened.

What was the package? How did he die without opening it?

2006-08-22 03:12:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

FIRST correct answer gets 10 points!!!!

There's a plane flying, but it crashes. Half lands in the U.S.A., and half lands in Canada. Where did they burry the survivors???

2006-08-22 03:02:31 · 23 answers · asked by asdfghjkl 3

I have 10 answers to get you started:

Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
When someone asks 'how are you' you say, 'good to the last drop'.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You think being called a drip is a compliment.
You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.

10 points for the best answer.

2006-08-22 02:58:50 · 12 answers · asked by ? 6

Of all the things i'v lost in my life my mind is the one i miss the most!!
Can you help me find it?

2006-08-22 02:49:37 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

My life can be measured in hours, I serve by being devoured.
Thin, I am quick, Fat, I am slow, Wind is my foe.
What am I?

2006-08-22 02:48:50 · 17 answers · asked by neiako 1

FOUR is HALF of FIVE.
Is this statement True or False?

2006-08-22 02:47:56 · 24 answers · asked by neiako 1

The Deacon and the Preacher

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been friends for a long time. One day the deacon got sick and was put in the hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend.
When he walked into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and medical equipment attached to the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and asked, ''How ya doing?''
The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand. ''You want that?'' the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes. So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write. All of a sudden the deacon died.
At his funeral, the preacher was asked to deliver the service. ''He was a good man and I'll never forget him,'' the preacher said, ''I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his last thought in my coat pocket here.''
The preacher reaches into his pocket and pulls out the paper. ''Please, get up! You're kneeling on my oxygen hose!''

2006-08-22 02:40:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A midget walks into an elevator and sees a BIG guy, very rugget looking. The BIG guy looks down at the midget and says to him "220 pounds, 7 Ft. tall, Turner Brown. All of a sudden the midget faints. The BIG guy goes down to help him. When the midget woke up, the BIG guy says to him what happened? The midget asks him what did you say? The BIG guy replies I said "220 pounds, 7 Ft. tall, Turner Brown", the midget says I thought you said "Turn Around".

2006-08-22 02:37:00 · 8 answers · asked by lady love 2

2006-08-22 02:33:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Missing Rooster
The priest of a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in a henhouse at the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time he suspected cock fighting occured in the village, he decided to do something about at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anyone got a cock"?, and all the men stood up.
"No, no" he said, " That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock"?, and all the women stood up.
"No, no. I meant has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them"?; then half the women stood up.
"NO! NO!", he exclaimed, flustered. That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock"?, and then all the nuns stood up.

2006-08-22 02:22:09 · 14 answers · asked by jfmm 7

Pronounced as one letter,
And written with three,
Two letters there are,
And two only in me.
I'm double, I'm single,
I'm black, blue, and gray,
I'm read from both ends,
And the same either way.
What am I?

2006-08-22 02:10:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-22 00:54:20 · 9 answers · asked by Monsh 2

what is my faviorite number and colour????????????
think to get ten points

2006-08-22 00:39:57 · 34 answers · asked by princess 3

2006-08-22 00:37:33 · 4 answers · asked by lisa 2

If so, how much? Show your work.

2006-08-22 00:34:52 · 31 answers · asked by megpavlikova 3

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be
more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet
store and told the owner he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally
bought a centipede, which came in a little white
box to use for his house. He took the box back
home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to
the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, Would you
like to go to Frank`s with me for a beer? But there
was no answer from his new pet. This bothered
him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then
asked him again, How about going to the bar and
having a drink with me?

But again there was no answer from his new friend
and pet. So he waited a few more minutes,
thinking about the situation and he decided to ask
him one more time! This time, putting his face up
against the centipede`s little house he shouted,
HEY, IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO
FRANK`S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH
ME?

A little voice came out of the box, "I HEARD YOU
THE FIRST TIME! I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!"

2006-08-22 00:30:48 · 7 answers · asked by miracleMB 3

a deaf person carried away a blind persons wife and a dump person saw it...how will that person tell the blind

2006-08-21 23:57:57 · 46 answers · asked by sweetie 1

Pouting, rubber-hipped, thin-lipped, flat-chested Tobey Maguire recently held a wife-swaping party on his block; sadly Tobey had no takers as he is married to a monkey called Ptolemy Muttonchops.

2006-08-21 23:54:33 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!"

2006-08-21 23:51:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Aneamic, unemployed milkmaid Kirsten Dunst, despite being a herfty 480 lbs, is no slouch and can regularly be seen sprinting up the roads of LA to see where they lead.

2006-08-21 23:51:11 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do u call a baby Kangaroo who can't jump yet ???

think think!!!

2006-08-21 23:44:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 23:44:14 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: The Rednecks
> >>
> >> Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
> >>
> >> "Yes. What can I do for you?"
> >>
> >> I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding
> >> marijuana inside his firewood!"
> >>
> >> "Thank you very much for the call, sir."
> >>
> >> The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
> >> search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
> >> open
> >> every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
> >> leave. The phone
> >> rings at Virgil's house.
> >>
> >> "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
> >>
> >> "Yeah!"
> >>
> >> "Did they chop your firewood?"
> >>
> >> "Yep!"
> >>
> >> "Happy Birthday, buddy!"
> >>
> >> (Who says rednecks aren't real bright!)
>
>

2006-08-21 23:34:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 23:26:32 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Height of Globalization was “Princess Diana”

”Wondering how?” C below

An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian driver, who was high on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, treated by an American doctor,using Brazilian medicines, dies !

2006-08-21 23:24:14 · 12 answers · asked by Pd 6

A substitute teacher walks into the classroom on the blackboard she sees a message. It says, "Jimmy Poole, has got the biggest tool, in the whole damn school!"

She yells, "Whose Jimmy Poole?"

This kid in the back stands up and says, "I'm Jimmy Poole."

"Well, Jimmy, your staying after school!"

The very next day when the substitute teacher walks in, she looks up at the blackboard and written on it, it says, "PAYS to ADVERTISE."

2006-08-21 23:21:46 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-21 23:13:15 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a sexy housewife and the husband went to work.
her husband's friend came over to her house and she opened the door.

he said: "Hi, i'm Jeff, a friend of your husband. Is Matt here?"
housewife said: "no, he went to work"
Jeff was amazed of her body and ask: "do you want $1,000?"
housewife: "depends... what's the deal?"
hesaid: "open your t'shirt"
housewife: "i don't think so... "
he said: "how about $500 ?"
housewife: "no, i don't think so."
he said: "okay, how about $1,000 ?"
housewife: "well, i could use the $1,000... Okay then"

then the housewife did open her clothes. the guy was so happy.

after that her husband came home and ask the housewife:
" honey, did Jeff came by today?"
housewife said: "yes, dear, he came by but you wasn't home"
husband said: "oh, it's okay, did he bring the $1,000 that he owes me?"

2006-08-21 22:53:31 · 6 answers · asked by Andrew Petrucci 2

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But, I always buy it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.
"Yes," said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who
looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant".
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container.........


"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."

2006-08-21 22:40:39 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your boobs dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

2006-08-21 22:35:55 · 17 answers · asked by want_me_luv_me 4