Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-22 09:15:18 · 7 answers · asked by nkedama 2

It was the morning of their 20th anniversary when the wife says,"You know, I had a dream that I got a new diamond ring, I wonder what that means.?

"You will find out tonight." says the husband.

When he arrived from work he gives her the gift. It was a much larger box than she anticipated. She opened it to find a book titled>

"Dreams... and what they mean."

2006-08-22 09:13:58 · 8 answers · asked by xxxx 2

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,

observing his wife turning back

and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off, he

asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again,she replied,

still looking in the mirror.



On the morning of her Birthday, he arose

early, made her a nice big bowl of

Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six

Flags theme park. What a day ! He

put her on every ride in the park; the

Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the

Screaming Monster Roller Coaster...

everything there was. Five hours

Later they staggered out of the theme

park. Her head was reeling and her

stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's

where he ordered her a Happy Meal with

extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a

soda pop, and her favorite candy,

M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her

husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.



He leaned over his wife with a big

smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear,

what was it like being six again ??

Her eyes slowly opened and her

expression suddenly changed.



I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ***!!



The moral of the story: Even when a

man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

2006-08-22 08:57:30 · 17 answers · asked by L!LO 4

2006-08-22 08:57:20 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves


Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

2006-08-22 08:39:31 · 13 answers · asked by ... 2

Ok, this is true. A few days ago I was at the county fair and I saw this guy driving around on a tractor and he was pulling benches with people on them. You might be a redneck if...You drive a tractor to the fair. And I was with a freind and he was fixing his hair and then he looked in the front mirror of a nearby semi truck to see if his hair was messed up. You might be a redneck if...You fix your hair in front of a semi trucks mirror. Also, I have a cousin running for sheriff. You wouldnt beleive how many times hes gotten pulled over for drunk driving. But yet, his name is on the ballad. He may win. Then in front of the fair there is a trailer with a sign that says "The Mayors House". If your mayor lives in a trailor right in front of the fair...You might be a redneck.

Is that funny or what?

2006-08-22 08:26:30 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

which would you prefer cake or death

Friggin english

2006-08-22 08:14:46 · 38 answers · asked by tony r 2

Mine is from Max amd Paddy when they hit the cow and paddy asks if it's dead and Max say's "that or it's about to piss down"

2006-08-22 08:13:01 · 7 answers · asked by gazza 2

Q. What does a blonde consider safe sex?
A. Locking the car door.

Q. What did the blondes leg say to the other leg?
A. Nice to meet you, weve been apart for so long.

2006-08-22 08:10:43 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a guy who was told that Jewish women were very sexy and sensual. So one day he went to a bar and spiked up this Jewish woman's drink with spanish fly. Now she's getting all sexy and excited. He whispers in her ear, so tell me, what do you want? She say's in a very sexy voice "Let's go shopping.

2006-08-22 08:10:42 · 14 answers · asked by lady love 2

2006-08-22 08:06:31 · 9 answers · asked by yvonne p 4

what just really crack you up???
mine is-
2 blondes walk into a building------ you think one of them would have seen it first

cracks me up every time

2006-08-22 07:56:51 · 11 answers · asked by shannon 4

give me your rating and tell me some other joke. The best one gets ten points. Here it goes:

Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court. Minnie wants half of Mickeys property. Minnies Lawyer says: This psychiatric paper says that Minnie is not crazy, so she can have half of Mickey´s properties.

Mickey answers: I´m not divorcing Minnie because she is crazy. I´m divorcing her because she is Fcking Goofy.

2006-08-22 07:42:01 · 16 answers · asked by camp1971 3

There was three men. One was an Italian, one was a Mexican and one was a French man. The world was about to flood, so they climbed a mountain to talk to GOD. God told them to jump of the mountain and yell what the wanted to be. The Italian Man ran and jumped off and said Drifting Log. He turned into a drifting log. The Mexican ran and jumped off and yelled Bald Eagle. He turned into a bald eagle. The French man ran and tripped. He yelled "oh **** " and that's exactly what he turned into.


So what do you think?

2006-08-22 07:24:04 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, "I hate all the blonde jokes people tell."

"Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

They went outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.

The taxi drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied the blonde. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."




A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

2006-08-22 07:16:03 · 16 answers · asked by hlpz76 4

he said
"In life we all have the same final destination so---"
How did he finish of this statement ?

2006-08-22 07:08:15 · 15 answers · asked by postypaul 3

Yo yo yo I kill women
I got sick skills and my wrists r blinggin
My mobile phone is always ringing
Ive seen your ***** and she is mingin
Get down with the funky cheese
I bust flows and i have nice knees
But your a dog and you have fleas
Bees bees deadly bees!!!!!
count to 1 count to 2
Jungle jungle jungle poo

2006-08-22 06:58:59 · 13 answers · asked by Chris S 1

2006-08-22 06:58:11 · 22 answers · asked by pepunni 1

- I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
- I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
- Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
- I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
- Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
- I understand.
- This movie has too much nudity.
- Damn, we're late for church.
- No. I don't want to see your sister's boobs.
- Oh good lord! Put some panties on!

2006-08-22 06:55:14 · 18 answers · asked by ? 6

She has to take her panties off by herself.

2006-08-22 06:47:58 · 42 answers · asked by 2BaD4u 4

So they know where to stop shaving.

2006-08-22 06:44:59 · 10 answers · asked by 2BaD4u 4

They're hiring.

2006-08-22 06:43:11 · 18 answers · asked by 2BaD4u 4

Their was an old couple sitting at the breakfast table. The wife says to the husband. " Why don't we take off our clothes and do like we use to when we were young?". He said OK. So they stripped. Now they're at the table and she's getting all excited. She starts moaning and groaning and says to him "oh my T**ts feel so hot, he says to her yes, they're in your oatmeal.

2006-08-22 06:43:02 · 7 answers · asked by lady love 2

There's only one State that's has an "E" at the end, which is it?

2006-08-22 06:34:26 · 9 answers · asked by lady love 2

2006-08-22 06:33:25 · 18 answers · asked by pepunni 1

A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump your load in it.

2006-08-22 06:30:51 · 10 answers · asked by 2BaD4u 4

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he
smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"
he father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son

2006-08-22 06:25:03 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

During the summer, I like to _____________ all day!

2006-08-22 06:22:57 · 62 answers · asked by dollbaby 4

The Agony of Aging



Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age

and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?" I was sitting

in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new
dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.



Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired

boy with the same name had been in my high school class

some 50-plus years ago.

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such

thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply

lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.



After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had

attended Central Senior High school.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Wolverine." he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1955. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled

son-of-a-***** asked, "What did you teach?"

2006-08-22 06:20:42 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Train of Life



Some folks ride the train of life

Looking out the rear,

Watching miles of life roll by,

And marking every year.



They sit in sad remembrance,

Of wasted days gone by,

And curse their life for what it was,

And hang their head and cry.



But I don't concern myself with that,

I took a different vent,

I look forward to what life holds,

And not what has been spent.



So strap me to the engine,

As securely as I can be,

I want to be out on the front,

To see what I can see.



I want to feel the winds of change,

Blowing in my face,

I want to see what life unfolds,

As I move from place to place.



I want to see what's coming up,

Not looking at the past,

Life's too short for yesterdays,

It moves along too fast.



So if the ride gets bumpy,

While you are looking back,




Go up front, and you may find,

Your life has jumped the track.




It's all right to remember,

That's part of history,

But up front's where it's happening,

There's so much mystery.



The enjoyment of living,

Is not where we have been,

It's looking ever forward,

To another year and ten.



It's searching all the byways,

Never should you refrain,

For if you want to live your life,

You gotta drive the train!

2006-08-22 06:18:31 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4