Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

What do you have if your head is hot, your feet are cold, and you see spots in front of your eyes...?

2006-08-22 17:39:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Seven dwarves are in the Vatican City and the pope is addressing
the crowd. When there is a small pause, Dopey asks the pope if there
are any dwarf nuns in the Vatican. The pope answers, "No."

Later when there is another short pause Dopey asks if there are any
dwarf nuns in Rome. The Pope answers, "No."

After another pause, Dopey asks if there are any dwarf nuns in Italy.
The pope answers, "No Dopey"

Everyone is silent and Dopey asks if there are any dwarf nuns anywhere.
He answers, "No Dopey there aren't any dwarf nuns anywhere."

After he says that, everyone could hear six little voices saying
"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"


he he he

2006-08-22 17:38:48 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget .
*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan! my, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, ! did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.
Now, didn't that feel good ?

2006-08-22 17:36:36 · 10 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Um... Hi! I'm always bored at night. Talk about anything you want, this is some free space for whatever you're feeling.

Tell a good joke if ya can...

2006-08-22 17:31:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

why do women have have 2 pairs of lips??

One to talk to a man and one to shut him up

2006-08-22 17:27:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-22 17:25:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-22 17:24:30 · 12 answers · asked by brian c 1

george bush and blair in a meeting about ww3.... when blairs wife walks in... she askes what you lot doing?
were gonna kill 14million muslims and 1 dentist.
why 1 dentist she said....
bush said told u no 1 would ask about the muslims lol...

2006-08-22 17:16:37 · 12 answers · asked by ©Wayne© 3

2006-08-22 17:15:48 · 2 answers · asked by ? 4

what do you get when you cross a chicken with an onion?

a cok that will bring tears to your eyes

2006-08-22 17:14:01 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard someone reading this birthday card as I was walking out of a gas station a looooooong time ago and I never heard what the punchline was on the inside of the card..... please answer!!!!

2006-08-22 16:53:26 · 7 answers · asked by ca 2

"Hello," says the barman. "We don't get many ducks in here. And what's your name?" he asks the first duck.

"Huey," says the duck.

"Well, hi Huey. Had a good day?"

"Sure, just great. In and out of puddles all day long. What more could a duck want?"

"That's great," says the barman. He turns to the second duck. "And you are?"

"I'm Dewey. Had a terrific day too. In and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck ask?"

"Well, that's good to hear," says the barman. He turns to the third duck. "So you must be Louie?"

"No," says the duck, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

2006-08-22 16:48:47 · 21 answers · asked by ©Wayne© 3

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that sh*t". Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks. The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog.

2006-08-22 16:41:12 · 6 answers · asked by want_me_luv_me 4

last twinky?I'm starved!!

2006-08-22 16:39:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This little boy at school put his hand up a little girls skirt, he was called to the principals office, where the principal decided it would be in the boys best interest to go home and let his parents deal with the issue
the boy arrives home and the father was watching a football match, during the adverts the father says to the boy quickly "son, dont put your hands up a girls skirt.....(game returns on tele).....um um cause they've got teeth up there and they'll bite you, now let daddy watch his game"

years down the track this boy is not so little he has a girlfriend and is ready to experiment, his girlfriend says to him, put your hand up my skirt it will feel nice, the boy looking extremely offended and confused, "why would you want me to do that?? i know you have teeth up there and your going to bite me" the girl then replys "dont be rediculous i dont have teeth there,... see!! she pulls her skirt up... , see no teeth, the boy then says.. "no wonder!!... you have bad gums!!

2006-08-22 16:39:35 · 16 answers · asked by Vicky 2

2006-08-22 16:38:59 · 4 answers · asked by mon_mon 1

Interviewer: Paul, do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?
Paul: I'd prefer it if you called her Heather

2006-08-22 16:38:09 · 8 answers · asked by ©Wayne© 3

Keep it clean!

2006-08-22 16:37:30 · 15 answers · asked by Gaming 2

any blonde jokes they gots to be funny!

2006-08-22 16:34:03 · 8 answers · asked by Im sorry if i hurt you♥ 2

it's easier than you think...

2006-08-22 16:27:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy wanted to skip kindergarten so he could join the third graders. His teacher, shocked, took him to the principal’s office. The teacher and the principal decided to ask the boy a couple of questions as a test. “What is 3 x 3?” the principal asks. “9,” the boy answers. “What is 6 x 6?” the principal asks again. “36,” the boy answers.” The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think he can go to the third-grade.” “Wait, let me ask him some more questions,” the teacher insists. The principal agrees. “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?” the teacher asks. The principal’s eyes opened wide in horror. “Coconut,” the boy answers. “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” the teacher continues. The principal can’t believe his ears. “Bubblegum,” the boy replies. “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do,” the teacher goes on. “Tent,” the boy answers. “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” “Arrow,” the boy answers. “Damn it, put him in the sixth grade,” the principal interrupts. “I got all your questions wrong myself!”

2006-08-22 16:22:22 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eight and five, last name and given,
We are one six six six even;
The first in cow, the last in oxen
Three in damsel, three in vixen.

Question: What are we callled?





#2
What others do laterallly I do upright.
My namesakes have run races but I don't compete, alright?
My cousins are dragons but not a lizard be,
I do one thing that all men can't so what can I be?







#3
The Twins divulging deep things inside,
A part, no doubt of Billlionaire 1's pride.
Crucial moments of time or ways to prospects better,
Building necesssities, extras to what holds your letters.





4#
What am I?

With it I am a colllection.
Without it, litigation.

What am I?

With it I am a hazard to health.
Without it I am just myself.

What am I?

With it I am linked to a moon.
Without it I am linked to the sun

What am I?












Explain all of your answers

2006-08-22 16:13:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-22 15:42:38 · 18 answers · asked by ? 6

One day, an eccentric billlionaire decided to give a destitute man a break. But not a total break, as we shall see. So, he invites him into a room in his mansion with seven doors. There is also a large-screen projector that projects the following five images, repeatedly, one at a time:

A human brain, Earth, the incomplete phrase: 'Fair and ____,' the letters AZCONMUT and a cheese sandwich on plain white bread with the edges perfectly cut off.

The poor man was allowed an entire day to study the images, after which he would have to choose the door that corresponded to the commonality of the images. The next day the man walked through the correct door, and the billlionaire made him rich. What door did the man choose?

2006-08-22 15:35:43 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

During a good manners and etiquette class in Brisbane recently, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"



Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."



Johnny replied, "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant.



So Charlie says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

2006-08-22 15:31:38 · 9 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

2006-08-22 15:20:16 · 16 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

Roses are red
Voilet are blue
God make me perfect
What the fudge are you?

I"m bored.. anyone who have the same poem goes Roses are red and voilet are blue?

2006-08-22 15:19:24 · 29 answers · asked by Viety 2

thpth. darn lol. dont blame me, my lil bro gave me dat joke.

2006-08-22 15:00:30 · 9 answers · asked by c h u r r o 3

sorry if this is lame lol: There's a butcher. His waist is 62 inches around and he is 6' 2". What does he weigh?

2006-08-22 14:58:15 · 26 answers · asked by c h u r r o 3

dirty mind game // examples and answers

2006-08-22 14:50:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous