Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

What do you think?
Five Kinds of Sex:
1. Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you are blue in the face.
2. Kitchen Sex. At the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, any place, even in the kitchen.
3. Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4.Hallway Sex. The bloom is gone. As you pass each other in the hallway, you say, "Screw you",
and "Screw you, too".
5. Courtroom Sex. This happens when you become divorced, and get screwed in front of everyone in the City Hall Courtroom!

2006-08-22 23:37:08 · 16 answers · asked by jfmm 7

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S A*SS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A*SS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST A*SS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS A*SS FOR $10

The bishop was buried the next day.

loooool i luv this one... dumb bishop

2006-08-22 23:01:27 · 5 answers · asked by Filo 2

How could That be?!

2006-08-22 22:50:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex, too.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase
cars they have no intention of driving.
Why is it so hard to find men who are caring, kind, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

2006-08-22 22:36:00 · 15 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter his password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humerous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in...P...E...N...I...S... His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied ***PASWORD REJECTED...NOT LONG ENOUGH***

2006-08-22 22:28:06 · 12 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

about all the foods that are bad for your body. He tells the audience that artificial sweeteners are terrible because your body cannot break them down like real sugar. Too much fat intake can clog arteries and cause death. And carbonation has many harmfull effects on your body including breaking down your stomach lining. He asks the audience if anyone knows what the one food is that the moment you eat it, it will cause you horrible pain for the rest of your life?
A little old man in the front row stands up and says "wedding cake"!
A little marital humor.

2006-08-22 22:14:08 · 11 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

who's there?
tank
tank who?
______________


the best answer wins 10 points!
good luck!

2006-08-22 22:04:17 · 18 answers · asked by ***fun$uck3r*** 2

On my way to the fair, I met 7 jugglers and a bear, every juggler had 6 cats, every cat had 5 rats, every rat had 4 houses, every house had 3 mouses, every mouse had 2 louses, every louse had a spouse. How many in all are going to the fair?



first one to guess right wins 10 points!

2006-08-22 21:27:50 · 19 answers · asked by ***fun$uck3r*** 2

The first correct answers gets the 10 points.
CLUE: its something you have

LIMPED

good luck to any dimwits!

2006-08-22 21:19:29 · 17 answers · asked by miss simple 2

The man who invented it doesn't want it. The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know it. What is it?

2006-08-22 21:07:06 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

You throw away the outside and cook the inside. Then you eat the outside and throw away the inside. What did you eat?

2006-08-22 21:02:15 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is stuck in a room with no doors or windows.
All he has in this room is a table and a mirror.
How does he get out?

2006-08-22 20:57:25 · 24 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

HEADLINES FROM YEAR 2029 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in

the seventh largest country in the world, California.



White minorities still trying to have English recognized

as California's third language.





Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United

States crops and livestock.





Baby conceived naturally... scientists stumped.





Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual

marriage.



Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the

American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known

as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).







Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at

least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to

safe levels.



France pleads for global help after being overtaken by

Jamaica.



Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be

imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has

banned all smoking.





George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.



Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89

and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.



85-year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight

loss.



Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.



Japanese scientists have created a camera with such

a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a

woman with her mouth shut.



Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.



Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates

their civil rights.



Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven

inches.



New federal law requires that all nailclippers,

screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers

must be registered by January 2036.



Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political

contributions to campaign accounts.



IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.



Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting

machine.

2006-08-22 20:55:23 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-22 20:53:54 · 29 answers · asked by Cat 2

2006-08-22 20:52:56 · 20 answers · asked by maxvijay2003 3

A retired sailor put on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sakes. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks " How am I doing ??

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots. "

"Three knots ? " he asks, "What's that supposed to mean ??

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back !!!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

2006-08-22 20:52:50 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs Some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of Her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription"

2006-08-22 20:51:06 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

At a press conference today, Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of Democratic
> Presidential nominee John Kerry, announced she's going to be blazing
> the campaign trail with her husband from now to election day.
>
> "To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair.
> From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with John, and
> may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties.
> This will send a strong message to America."
>
> "Just what is that message, Mrs. Kerry?" gasped astonished reporters
> at the news of this rather startling announcement.
>
> To which Teresa replied, "READ MY LIPS, NO MORE BUSH!"

2006-08-22 20:49:15 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-22 20:47:22 · 20 answers · asked by Swati 2

A man drops more than 1000 feet to the ground without parachute, but he walks away unharmed...

How ?

2006-08-22 20:43:27 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

all i see is a blank display...

2006-08-22 20:36:44 · 10 answers · asked by ixat02 2

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you
>> like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some
>> grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
>>
>> He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now."
"It's
>> this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
>>
>> At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of
soup,
>> homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines.
>> "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
>>
>> Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
>> like maybe a juicy steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
>> rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw,
still
>> not hungry."
>>
>> "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

2006-08-22 20:31:50 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the house."
He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?


His wife replied, "The funeral director!

2006-08-22 20:30:02 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...


he he he

2006-08-22 20:24:50 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.

He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun

and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey!

Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you

didn’t pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I’m a

PANDA!

Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary

and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by

distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

2006-08-22 20:17:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay this made me laugh. just try

1- Go to www.Google.com

2- Type in "Failure"

3- Look at what comes up as first listing and read if you want

4- Tell other people before the people at Google fix it.

It is unfortunately possible for total failure to reach the top.

so how was that? did you like it?

2006-08-22 20:13:57 · 20 answers · asked by pinkcloud2015 5

Rebecca, a recently-widowed middle-aged Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that an elderly but handsome gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby, and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Titusville," he answered, continuing to read.

Rebecca persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that, he threw down his book, jumped off his blanket and onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Rebecca gasped, and asked the man, "How did you know that was exactly what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did YOU know my name was Katz??????

2006-08-22 20:10:48 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

At a rape trial the young victim was asked by the D.A. What
The defendant said before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked. If she could write out the answer. After reading the note, The judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and Pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had "dozed" off, was nudged by the woman juror
Sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read,

"I'm going to screw you like you've never been screwed before."

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" Ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."

2006-08-22 20:10:02 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-08-22 20:08:56 · 20 answers · asked by niths 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFMjqmJq9ro


these vids are halarious to me!

2006-08-22 19:54:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous