Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2006-08-22 19:53:01 · 16 answers · asked by lauburton 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCle5mkZRTk





lmao!!!

2006-08-22 19:51:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have some....

betty bought some butter but the butter was bitter so she bought some more butter to make the bitter butter better.

how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?
A woodchuck would chuck what a wood chuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.


six sea shells on s slick sea shore.

any more you know???

2006-08-22 19:45:15 · 10 answers · asked by ???????? 2

in the English language(supposedly),with more than 4 letters that is spelled with the letters all in alphabetical order?
Example:a-r-t
I hope I explained it correctly.

2006-08-22 19:42:55 · 9 answers · asked by cave dude 3

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-08-22 19:35:04 · 23 answers · asked by lauburton 2

enjoy....:)

A woman lion tamer had the big cats under such control they took a lump of sugar from her lips on command. " Anyone can do that!" a skeptic yelled.
The ringmaster came over and asked, " Would you like to try it?"
"Sure," replied the man, " but first get those crazy lions out of there!"

2006-08-22 19:34:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind him asked if he had a dog. On impulse,he told her no,he was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because he'd ended up in the hospital last time but that he'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

Horrified, she asked if he'd been poisoned.he told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

2006-08-22 19:31:49 · 19 answers · asked by wowwhosthatchick 3

Riddles around maximum 5 lines...or like that...thanks

2006-08-22 19:31:44 · 8 answers · asked by ShaMméE 1

A man want's his wife killed so he calls a hit man named Artie.

Artie is an old friend of the farmer's and he agrees to kill the farmer's wife for just one dollar. So Arti follows the man's wife to Farmer Jacks Grocery store and sees the man's wife. He gets out of his cars and as the man's wife is getting out of her car he goes up to her and chokes her. A guy that worked at the grocery store saw what Arti did and Arti had to go over and choke him too. Then a elderly lady seen what happened and Arti had to choke her too. Again another person seen what was going on and Arti had to choke that person too.

Finally the Police came and aressted Arti. The next day on the front page of News Paper the Headline said 'Arti- chokes four for a dollar at Farmer Jacks.'

2006-08-22 19:25:18 · 18 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

its boring here my friend...............

2006-08-22 19:06:14 · 9 answers · asked by Thangavel v 1

Mickey's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Mickey replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Mickey interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

2006-08-22 18:56:57 · 23 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?



First to get it right will recieve 10 pts. Answer in an hour or so.

2006-08-22 18:51:46 · 22 answers · asked by heatherlynnmorrow 5

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting
with her mother in the doctors office.
She inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."
With big eyes, she asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little girl with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."
With even a more surprised and shocked look she said, "Then why in the world did you eat him?"

2006-08-22 18:51:01 · 20 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

an old man lives in a retirement home. one day the nurse walks by his room and sees the old man crying.
N: why are you crying?
Old Man: my penis died today. i can't use it anymore

the nurse, knowing the old man has alzymers and is not in his right mind chuckles and walks on by.

the next day, the same nurse sees the old man walking around

as she looks closer, he can see his penis hanging out for everyone to see.

N: what's the matter? what's going on? why is your penis hanging out?

old man: today is the viewing

hahahahah lol

2006-08-22 18:42:27 · 14 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

This young man named Jake was about to get married and was very nervous. He asked his brother for some advice. His brother told him to rent a motel room out at the Highway Motel because they had thin walls and that he'd rent the room next to him, and if he got into trouble, all he had to do was holler out and he could help him.

So, the guy gets married, they rent the room, the brother rents the room beside them. The guy is so nervous, he locks himself in the bathroom for hours and won't come out.

His new bride has to go to the bathroom and just can't hold it any longer. She finds an empty shoe box and takes a dump in it, then slides it up beside the bed.

Finally the husband comes out of the bathroom, turning out all the lights. He walks over to the bed and of course does not see the box of **** on the floor. So he steps right in it.

He yells out, "Ohhhhhh s*it!!!!"

His brother hears his call and yells back, "Turn her over Jake, turn her over!!!"

2006-08-22 18:36:06 · 17 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

GIRL : I have done a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST : Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so
what did he do to deserve that ?

GIRL : Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this ?

GIRL : emmmm ....... Yes !

PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL : But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this ?

GIRL : Yes !

PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL : But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this ?

GIRL : Yes !

PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL : But, he had sex with me !

PSYCHIATRIST : You mean like this ?

GIRL :
uuuhhhhh ..........Yes !

PSYCHIATRIST : Well that's still no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL : But, he told me he has AIDS !

PSYCHIATRIST : BASTARD !!!!!

2006-08-22 18:32:40 · 13 answers · asked by Andrew Petrucci 2

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for that damn wall!''

2006-08-22 18:31:21 · 12 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden
he hit a sparrow. He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow
who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him
home. When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage,
leaving him some bread and water inside. When the sparrow
came to, he looked around and said "Bars, Bread,Water...
Oh my God!! I have killed the motorist!!!"

2006-08-22 18:23:12 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

Round as a wheel, hollow as a cup, forty thousand elephants couldn't pull it up. What is it?

2006-08-22 18:19:25 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ HeartStolen ♥ 2

its midnight 12 o clock. a black guy with a black overcoat and a black cap got into a black car. he drove the car down the street which was full of dark. he stopped near a house. the house too was dark.the black guy stepped down the car.he went straight to the door and knocked the door. why did he knocked the door?

2006-08-22 18:14:20 · 12 answers · asked by kanna 3

whats the difference between a man and a cup of coffee?
a cup of coffee can keep ya awake all night

.

2006-08-22 18:12:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

keep expectin em!

2006-08-22 18:10:34 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ HeartStolen ♥ 2

two guys are working together a englishman and an african,everyday the englishman smells his two fingers and says....ahahahah sara...so one day thye african guy says why do you do that and he explains how everyday he gives his wife some lovin before work and it reminds him of her....so the next day the englishman smells his fingers and goes ahahaha sara,the african looks at him smiles and smells his whole arm elbow to fingers and say ahahah milinda.....if anyone take it as racist,it is not,it can be anytwo guys,but i just told it the way he did

2006-08-22 18:10:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

whats the difference between a man and a cup of coffee?
a cup of coffee can keep ya awake all night

2006-08-22 18:07:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

yupp another riddle!

2006-08-22 18:03:09 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ HeartStolen ♥ 2

another riddle!

2006-08-22 18:01:35 · 37 answers · asked by ♥ HeartStolen ♥ 2

another riddle.

2006-08-22 18:00:41 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ HeartStolen ♥ 2

mhm a riddle.

2006-08-22 17:58:44 · 8 answers · asked by ♥ HeartStolen ♥ 2

she is your fathers daughter but not your sister

p.s she is not adopted or a step sis

2006-08-22 17:45:43 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.
" I really can't remember," the snail replied, " You see, it all happened so fast."


enjoy..:)

2006-08-22 17:43:28 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous