Does any one have any funny stories or jokes?

Question

example:
bob:how r u jerry?
jerry:fine
bob:i just did your wife last night
jerry:wow,how was it?
bob:it was awsome dude!
lol some thing like that.

Answer 1

Superman
A guy goes up to a bar located at the top of a very high building. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy.
"I've never been here before", the first guy says. "Oh really?” the other replies, "it's a pretty good bar. You see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and pushes you back up."
"No way, that's impossible" the first guy says
"Not at all, take a look." With that, the man walks over to the window opens it, climbs onto the sill and jumps out. And he drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up to the top and sails back in through the window.
"See, its fun. You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!” the first man shouts.
"Here, watch. I'll do it again". And with that, he jumps out the window again, falls about 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up through the window into the bar.
"Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
"Well, what the heck.” the first man says. He jumps out the window. He falls 10...20...30...40...50...60...... feet and eventually splat! He ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.
After all this, the other guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

AND........


Bathroom Scales
A bloke turns up at work with a black eye and his mates ask what happened.
He said that his wife gave it to him when he gave her, her birthday present.
"She said that she wanted something that would go from 0- 200 in three seconds, so I bought her a set of bathroom scales"


AND....


One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

Answer 2

There were 2 neighboring farmers. One was going to take 3 of his sows to the other to try to get pregnant by the other's boar. So he loads the 3 sows in his truck. When he gets there, he puts the sows in the boar's pen and nature takes it's course. Farmer 1 asks 2 how he will know if it took. 2 says the sows will be laying in the sun if it did, and laying in the mud if not. The next morning, the farmer goes to check on the sows. they are all in the mud, so he loads them up to try again. This goes on for about 4 days. On the 5th day, farmer 1 goes to check his sows and can't find them He shouts to his wife if she knows knows where they are. She replies " Two are in the back of the truck, ans the other it up front honking the horn."

Answer 3

One day, on the first day of school, a boy walked in late. The hall monitor stopped the boy and asked where he was. He said,"Oh, I was just on Cherry Hill". The hall monitor nodded and let him pass. About 10 minutes later, another boy walked in. The hall monitor stopped him and asked where he was. He said the same as the boy before. So the hall monitor nodded and let him pass. Another 10 minutes passed and another boy walked in. This time the hall monitor was getting suspicious. She stopped him and asked where he was. He said the same as the last 2 boys. The hall monitor was getting really suspicious, so she let the boy pass and started walking toward the office when a girl she'd never seen before walked in. She stopped the girl and politely asked her name. The girl replied,"Cherry Hill".

Answer 4

how do you fit an elephant in a fridge?


you open the door and put him in
how do you fit a giraffe in a fridge?


take out the elephant then put him in
what was the only animal that wasnt in the lion king animal pyramid?


the giraffe - he is still in the fridge
you have to cross a river with crocidiles in it how do you get across?


just swim - all the animals are in the pyramid

Answer 5

there were three people who lived in the hotel the first second and third layer the top like to cut things the second liked to paint everything he saw green the bottom liked to eat pickles. the guy on the toppest floor accidentally cut of his dick than it droppded to the middle floor he painted it green and and dropped it to the guy on the bottom the guy on the bottom ate it cause he thout it was a pickle.. I hope u like it

Answer 6

i have kind of a weird story

when i was 18 yrs old i got a DUI and i had to go to classes. on the first day of class i walked in and guess who i saw????
MY HIGH SCHOOL DRIVERS ED TEACHER!!!!
the whole 6 weeks he made absolutely no eye contact with me.

Answer 7

Here's a couple:

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At the doctor's office:
Doc: "What's the problem?"
Patient: "I'm not sure... I......I can't seem to go hard!"
Doc: (Jumps up and starts looking around, alarmed) "Why?? Who are you planning on f*cking here??"
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Phone conversation:
Husband: "Hi honey, I'm coming home soon. I just wanted to ask, what do you prefer, bananas or peaches?"
Wife: "Are you at a grocery store?"
Husband: "Nope, I'm at a drugstore."
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Answer 8

Change your last line to: some things never change!@

Answer 9

What is bought by the yard, and worn by the foot?





Carpet.

Answer 10

Sorry, I just finished posting my good ones.