Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-25 02:59:22 · 8 answers · asked by racer4u 1

2006-08-25 02:36:35 · 10 answers · asked by Rachel 7

2006-08-25 02:17:54 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's brown and sits on a piano stool?



Beethovens last movement.



What's brown and sounds like a bell?


Duunnnggg!!!

2006-08-25 02:06:50 · 21 answers · asked by button mushroom 3

An attorney came home after a day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor hadn't come through, and he was feeling depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" Not playing his usual role in this ritual, he went and poured himself a whiskey and headed off to the bathroom for a long, hot soak, pursued by sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered, and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he had,she relented and went to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of him naked as he was cleaning the tub.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight", she said, at which he screamed hysterically, "For Mercy's sake, don't you ever stop"?

2006-08-25 02:05:08 · 8 answers · asked by jfmm 7

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical
with his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room he says,
"I will need a urine sample,
a stool sample, and a sperm sample."

The man, being hard of hearing,
turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"

The wife yells back to him,
"GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!"

2006-08-25 01:58:49 · 16 answers · asked by crzyhorse5 3

bored of saying the saying the same ones all the time!!!!!!!

2006-08-25 01:58:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.


Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said:



"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."



"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like ****."

2006-08-25 01:47:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

when you buy it,it is Black

when you use it, it is red
and when you throw it out, it is gray.

so what is it ?

2006-08-25 01:32:01 · 17 answers · asked by cookie 2

God made Adam out of dust
But thought it best to make me first
So I was made before the man
According to Gods holy plan
My whole body God made complete
Without arms, hands, or even feet
My ways and acts did God control
but in my body he placed no soul
A living being I became
and Adam gave to me a name
then from his presence I withdrew
for this man Adam I never knew
All my makers laws I do obey
and from these laws I never stray
Thousands of me go in fear
But seldom on the earth appear
Later for a purpose God did see
he placed a living soul inside of me.
But that soul of mine God had to claim
And from me took it back again.
And when the soul from me had fled
I was the same as when first made
without arms, legs, feet or soul
I travel on from pole- to- pole
My labors are from day to night
and to men I once furnished light.
Thousands of people both young and old
did by my death bright lights behold.
Continues in details...

2006-08-25 01:22:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the freaking day;

All these arguments online reminds me of a pic, I may still have it (?), it says, "Arguing online is like winning the 'Special Olympics' even if you win you're both still fugging retards!"

What Do SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common:

*You should never have to wait to find one

*You should be able to slide right into one

*Spaces in the front are always the best

*When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice

*It sucks when someone else is double-parked

*Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back

*It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces

*A full-size car is good to find

*People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces

*Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying

*We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit

*A house isn't a home without a parking space

*Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear

*Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?

*The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-25 01:06:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-25 00:50:39 · 9 answers · asked by OrangeApple 5

Anyone know where I can find it?

2006-08-25 00:34:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

a (ethnic group of your choice), and a (ethnic group of your choice),and a (ethnic group of your choice),(use 3 different ones), were at their construction job, high up on the beams, having their lunch one day. the (ethnic group of your choice) said, "man, if my wife makes me burritos again, i swear i'm gonna jump off this building!" then the (ethnic group of your choice) exclaimed, "man if my wife gives me a polish sausage sandwich again, i'll be the one to jump off this building!" then the (ethnic group of your choice) yelled "sheeit, man, if my wife gives me ribs again, i'll be jumpin' too!" the next day, the (ethnic group of your choice) opens his lunch, and to his dismay has a burrito again, and true to his word, he jumps to his death. then the (ethnic group of your choice), has the polish sausage again, and he jumps to his death. next the (ethnic group of your choice) opens his lunch, and what do you know, ribs. he also jumps. during the police investigation, they asked the wife of the (ethnic group of your choice), if she knew why her husband would jump to his death, because she fixed him the same lunch all the time. she replied "i don't be fixin' his lunch, he fixes his OWN lunch!"

2006-08-25 00:34:18 · 11 answers · asked by bakbiter 3

2006-08-25 00:23:39 · 12 answers · asked by Baaad Dokhtar 3

A professor at the University of Missouri gave a lecture on the
>> > supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks "How many
>> > people here believe in ghosts?"
>> >
>> > About 90 students raise their hands.
>> >
>> > "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
>> > ghosts, do any of you think you've seen a ghost?"
>> >
>> > About 40 students raised their hands.
>> >
>> > "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has
>> > anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
>> >
>> > About 15 students raise their hands.
>> >
>> > "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
>> >
>> > Three students raise their hands.
>> >
>> > "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.
>> >
>> > Have any of you ever made love to ghosts?"
>> >
>> > Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
>> >
>> > The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the
years
>> > I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have
made
>> > love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
>> > experience."
>> >
>> > The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began
to
>> > make his way up to the podium. When he is at the front of the
room,
>> > the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have
sex
>> > with ghosts?"
>> >
>> > Bubba replied, "Oh shhhhit! From way back thar I thought you said,
>> > 'Goats' !!!"
>> >

2006-08-25 00:20:16 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

How famous do you have to be before you are considered assasinated rather than murdered?
Think about it. The three US Presidents were considered assasinated, as was John Lennon. Where as when someone is shot in a movie or shot by someone else (not suicide) they're considered murdered.

Hehe... this totally messed with my brain when I first heard it

2006-08-25 00:17:10 · 11 answers · asked by Grace M 2

A filthy rich man in Florida decided that he
wanted to throw a party and invited all of his
buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the
only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of
his mansion. Everyone
was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
shrimp, oysters and BBQ and
flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a
10ft man-eating gator
in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone
who is brave enough to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there
was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ***!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke
holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the
gator through the air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere.
Both Leroy and the gator
were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy
strangled the gator and let
it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy
then slowly climbed out of
the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in
disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I
owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you
something. You won the bet. How about half a
million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
something. That was amazing. How about a new
Porsche and a Rolex and some
stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then
what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who
pushed me in the pool."

2006-08-25 00:14:14 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

th topic is necissity of disclipine i'am form ninth grade tell me whatever tips you have I POSTED THIS QUESTION HERE BECAUSE I DID NOT GET ANY RESPONSE IN THE HOMEWORK SECTION PLEASE DO HELP ME the best helper will get 10 points

2006-08-25 00:11:35 · 6 answers · asked by Sai♥Pranav 3

there was three women and a man lined up.one drops a 20p peice and bends down to pick it up and the man sees her nickers and goes y u wereing red nickers she says because i support man u.then the other women drops 50 p and she bends down to pick it up and the man goes why are you wering blue nickersshe says because i support chelsea.then the other drops a pound and she picks it up.and the man goes y arent u wereing any nickers and she goes cause i support arsenal...

2006-08-25 00:01:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is the joke, I don't get it.

two nuns in a bath
one says.
'wears' the soap.
the other says
I know

2006-08-24 23:49:27 · 17 answers · asked by Grace M 2

One late autumn evening two boys, having collected a sackful of conkers, decided to share them out in a graveyard. On their way in one of the boys dropped the sack and two of the conkers rolled out. 'We'll get those later,' he said, and in they went to divide up the remainder. As they were counting them out a small girl happened to be crossing the graveyard, and to her horror she heard from behind a bush a voice say, 'One for you, one for me. One for you' one for me!' In terror she rushed to the gate and bumped into a policeman. 'What's the matter, little girl?' He asked, for she was obviously in great distress.

'Oh, Mr. Policeman!' she wailed, 'there's ghosts in the graveyard, and they're sharing out the dead bodies! Listen!' And as she held a trembling finger to her lips they heard a voice say, 'One for you, one for me. And we mustn't forget those two by the gate!'

2006-08-24 23:48:17 · 5 answers · asked by miracleMB 3

Did you hear bout the boy who was posessed??
His mother had 2call the devil to get the priest ot of her son!!

2006-08-24 23:34:39 · 4 answers · asked by tonybpebbles 2

A six year old boy told his father that he and little Mary next door were going to get married.
His dad asked where they would live, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and they would live in the tree house his father had built.
Dad asked where will you get money to buy food, he replied that they talked it over and decided that if they pooled their allowances they would have money for food.
Dad asked what are you going to do if you have children, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and agreed that if she laid any eggs, he would step on them.

2006-08-24 23:27:47 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can some one give me a screwed up childrens song? Like I remember Miss suzy, but that's about it.

2006-08-24 23:12:03 · 7 answers · asked by moon_essence1 2

tell me some funny jokes

2006-08-24 23:10:01 · 18 answers · asked by Riya 4

What will your wishes be if you had 3 wishes.
just tell me..............I'm just curious.

2006-08-24 22:55:11 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-24 22:53:22 · 24 answers · asked by The Inquisitive 3

They all can stick their bill up their backsides

2006-08-24 22:39:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender; for
>example:

>1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in,
>but you can see right through them.
>
>2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while
>to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the
>right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
>pushed .
>
>3) Tyre -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
>
>4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have
>to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
>
>5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
>
>
>6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on.
>
>7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
>
>
>8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
>bottom.
>
>9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last
>5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
>
>10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But
>consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and
>while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

2006-08-24 22:34:42 · 35 answers · asked by Sangy . 4