Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

I am a detective and I recently had a call from an old friend who asked me to come to his estate as he had, had a theft. When I got there he took me into his office and showed me that a painting had been stolen. When asked he said the culprit was one of three people. I asked each of them where they were when the crime took place, what they were doing and if they saw anything suspicious.
1) Bruce the garderner: W: Outside the only gate to the estate. D: Digging a flowerbed. S D: None and no-one entered or went out of the gate.
2) Lucy the cleaner: W: The dining room. D: Listening to music and cleaning. S D: None.
3) Samantha the secretary: W: Office. D: Discovered the theft and immediately phoned my friend to inform him. S Details: The window was open.
After questioning the suspects my colleague told me that on examination there were no prints on the desk, door knob, window or telephone. I said to stop investigating as I knew who did it.
Who was it and how did I know.

2006-08-25 08:30:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-25 08:28:20 · 14 answers · asked by Rock 2

how many people can leave an answer?leave any say anything,earn urself 2 points .i wanna c how many answers i can get.whats the most ammount of answers ever recieved?lets beat it...and have the cahnge of winning 10 points!! the most i got is 10 answers so far wich is not good!! come on what have you got to lose!!

2006-08-25 08:27:52 · 34 answers · asked by sammydeea 3

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his Father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad,
why
are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy
Mom."

2006-08-25 08:17:36 · 9 answers · asked by hlpz76 4

2006-08-25 08:13:02 · 22 answers · asked by Rock 2

Three men, a German, an American, and a Russian, somehow end up together on an deserted island. Days go by, and the men grow hungry, so they set off fishing. When they finally catch a fish, it turns out to be magical, and promises to grant them two wishes each if only they set it free. Without thinking too hard, the men decide on their wishes:
American: “I want to go home of course, and I want a million dollars.”
Done.
German: “I want to go home, and I want a brand new BMW.”
Done. “Your turn, Russian” the fish says, "You can have any two wishes.”
"Yeah… that was some good company,” says the Russian, “I want a bottle of Vodka, and I want the other two back.”

2006-08-25 08:09:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

2006-08-25 08:06:01 · 11 answers · asked by S A R A H 2

I had to get a new plate. You know, the kind the dentist makes in his evening hours. I thought I would do something funny with the old teeth; something that would be good for a laugh. Like maybe putting them somewhere where they don't exactly belong. What should I do with them?

2006-08-25 08:05:29 · 5 answers · asked by Schroder 2

What does Moulin Rouge mean?
Oh and since you're already here please watch this and tell me what you think about it. >>http://youtube.com/watch?v=jwpO-nnFY9g

Oh and I put this here in this category because I have already asked this question in another category but I have recieved no answers...
(^_^)

2006-08-25 07:59:57 · 3 answers · asked by JennyfferBCN 5

2006-08-25 07:51:56 · 18 answers · asked by lillynolilly 2

2006-08-25 07:49:35 · 42 answers · asked by Rock 2

so there are 3 businessmen on a businesstrip far away. the hotel they go into is booked and only has one room with one bed remaining. the tree agree to share the room and the single bed but promise to not do anything dumb. the next morning the man who slept on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, "wow guys, i had the best dream. in it a really hott girl was giving me the BEST hand job ever!!" then the man who was on the left of the bed says, "no way, i had the same exact dream!" finally the man who slept in the middle says, "oh my dream wasnt that exciting, i was on a SKIING trip."

2006-08-25 07:35:28 · 20 answers · asked by failurbydsign427 2

LIES ABOUT LOVE
everyone does this, its perfectly normal
its dangerous to your health to get excited and then stop
I’ll stop as soon as you say
I’ll tell him/her tonight
well, the clinic said i was clear
nobody can hear us
I’ll never put myself through this again
MENS LIES
sex isn’t everything
its not your fault
its too late
I read an article today
I’m allergic to rubber
We’ll try again when we wake up
it has a mind of its own
this has never happened before
PART LIES
I’m not going to drink to much tonight
they’ll all be wearing jeans
there are no bones in this fish
the neighbors are very tolerant
just half a glass, thanks
he doesn’t normally act like this when he’s been drinking
its no trouble if you stay the night
SALESMAN LIES
you wont see this anywhere else
this sort of thing never goes out of fashion
bring it back if you don’t like it
this is a never to be repeated offer
unbelievably low prices
its the last one in stock
you’ll have no trouble with it
DRIVERS STOPPED BY THE LAW LIES
I was just going the speed limit
I only had one
What stop sign?
The light was green when I started through the intersection
He came from nowhere when I changed lanes
Officer, I can walk without any assistance
COMPUTER LIES
If you have any problems, just call us
What you see on the screen, you get on paper
They don’t make those chips anymore
If kids use them, so can adults
Oh yeah, it’s compatible with everything
You wont need any special training. There’s no harm in trying-nothing can go wrong
The manual explains everything

2006-08-25 07:30:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-25 07:25:54 · 20 answers · asked by Rock 2

(this one's not as funny as the previous one)

woman>why's our son crying so much for?
man>he wants to ride a donkey
woman>so what are you waiting for ? give him a ride

2006-08-25 07:25:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Girls Go Camping

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."

2006-08-25 07:24:24 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a deaf newlywed couple. They speak to each other using sign language and can't speak to each other while they are having sex because the lights are always off. So the woman signs "we need to figure out a way to speak to each other in the dark." So 2 days later after 2 straight nights of sex. The man is very happy with his new wife because her sex is the best. So that night he gets naked turns out the light thinking he is going to get some. His wife comes in and turns on the light and signs "not tonight I have a headache." The man thinking "It was bound to happen" Got a great Idea. He signs to his wife "I know how we can communicate about sex in the dark." She signs "How?" He signs back "If we are lying in bed and you do want to have sex pull my d*ck 1 time. and if you don't want to have sex pull my d*ck 50 times"

2006-08-25 07:24:20 · 4 answers · asked by Von 2

2006-08-25 07:12:26 · 14 answers · asked by hotsauce919rr 3

i am 27m

2006-08-25 07:06:03 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

once a man went to visit his friend in village.when he reached there he saw that he along with his 10 children were leaving for a local fair. his friend invited him too. they were waiting at the bus-stop when a bus came. but it was too crowded. another one came but it also didn't have enough space. two more came and went by. the man became irritated and started hitting stones with his walking stick to pass the time. the noise annoyed his friend.
he said "can't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? it's so annoying"
the man replied "if you had cared to put one at the end your stick then we could have been in the bus by now"

2006-08-25 07:04:31 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons.

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George."
"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son, Pancake."

2006-08-25 06:59:54 · 7 answers · asked by Farhat 3

A blonde is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and she'll rack your balls.

2006-08-25 06:57:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

....Jake was on his deathbed. His wife Susan, was maintaining a
vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.' My darling Susan,' he whispered.

'Hush, my love,' she said. 'Rest. Shhh. Don't talk.'
He was insistent. 'Susan,' he said in his tired voice. 'I have something I must confess to you."

'There's nothing to confess,' replied the weeping Susan.

'Everything's all right, go to sleep.'

'No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother.'
'I know,' she replied. 'That's why I poisoned you.'

2006-08-25 06:51:46 · 11 answers · asked by Farhat 3

Okay, for the joke that made me laugh the hardest, longest and loudest I'll choose as the best answer.

2006-08-25 06:41:18 · 12 answers · asked by ? 2

I think that was what it was, a quite intruiging rhetorical question. Have fun!

2006-08-25 06:32:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to Pakistan!

2006-08-25 06:29:52 · 9 answers · asked by Farhat 3

4 people were found in a cabin, on top of a mountain. they were all dead, there was no break in, no murder weapons.
Where was the cabin, who was in the cabin, and how did they die?

2006-08-25 06:06:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: WHY SOULDNTA PENGUIN TELL A JOKE ON ICE?
A: CAUSE THE ICE WILL CRACK UP.

2006-08-25 05:57:18 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know Bert is taller, but, Ernie got more meat on his bones. Also Bert seems to be depressed and he may be on medication that will slow his reflexes. Oh and Ernie has his ninja blessed Rubber-Ducky.

I also heard that while Kermit was away at the "Rainbow Connection and Hemp Awareness" conferece, or RCAHA, Ernie was seen with Miss Piggy, so she may have taught him some karate moves from side of the other white meat.

Also that game, I believe it's called "Seasame Street Fighter II", is pretty cool.

2006-08-25 05:55:40 · 16 answers · asked by Dan B 2

Word game - This is creepy!


Think of a letter between A and W.









Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.










Keep going . . .










Don't stop . .










Think of an animal that begins with that letter.










Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.











Think of either a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animal's name










Almost there........










Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.










Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level










Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand





Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the person's name?












Of course not......





Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid games

2006-08-25 05:55:29 · 16 answers · asked by Farhat 3