Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

~~~THIS IS A RIDDLE !!!!!!~~~~
IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE IF YOU ARE ABLE TO ANSWER IT.

♫♫Hey ladies, are you a legend of a cowgirl?
When I hear music, oooh! ♫♫
Let the music play cause I’m looking for the perfect beat.♫♫

You may not be able to answer this if you are younger than 28.
For hints, look at my other riddles posted in that past.

Otherwise, take your 2pts & be happy.

2006-08-25 14:08:31 · 10 answers · asked by ♥Saffron♥Daydream♥ 3

Mrs Smith was lying on her bed.
She was murdered
There were no cuts, bruises, or health problems at ALL!!!
There were a pair of scissors on the floor by her bed
the scissors were the only thing used in the murder
How did she die????????????????????

2006-08-25 14:05:35 · 8 answers · asked by JCman2010 3

10 points for first correct answer..

2006-08-25 14:01:29 · 21 answers · asked by maidenrocks 3

You say you do not know me,
But I come when you are most unaware.
You don't think I exist,
But I cause others many sleepless nights.

2006-08-25 13:56:49 · 18 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

You are in a cold house in the winter . It is dark. You have one match. There is a candle and there is a wood burning stove. Which do you light first ?

2006-08-25 13:33:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.


Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides



HAVE A GREAT DAY

2006-08-25 13:19:40 · 12 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Would you rather come back as a certified public accountant or as a loggerhead turtle?

2006-08-25 13:13:53 · 10 answers · asked by spackler 6

2006-08-25 13:12:00 · 6 answers · asked by Mr. BaSkEtBaLl 3

How many months have 28 days?

2006-08-25 13:03:54 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was born in 1955, how is it today is his 18th birthday?

2006-08-25 12:59:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two packets of crisps were walking down the road, when a motorist appeared and asked if they wanted a lift...

They said - 'no - we're walkers...'


ALSO...

Why don't blind men go skydiving?





Because it scares the hell out of their dogs...

2006-08-25 12:42:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat -- with a serious face, of course.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity, e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy

2006-08-25 12:33:54 · 19 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

TRUE STORY




Ok 3 year old boy and a 6 year old boy were playing in the backyard when the 3 year old found a small package lying in the rosebush!He called over his brother who carefully took the package and unwrapped it! There in side the package was...
A Tampon
Now not knowing any better the two boys started screaming...
DYNAMITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now about two months later the boys, their mom, and their older sister went to the airport to fly across the country. Now the boys were messing with their bags when out fell their sister's tampons and once again they screamed...
DYNAMITE!
Now try Explaining that to Airport security!


LOL!!!!!!!!!!! ;-P

2006-08-25 12:31:07 · 8 answers · asked by ♫♪♫TAY-LUR♫♪♫ 3

I am Only one color, but not one size,
Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies.
Present in sun, but not in rain,
Doing no harm, and feeling no pain.
What is it.

2006-08-25 12:24:14 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

go a head say a joke best one gets 10 pts

2006-08-25 12:18:49 · 10 answers · asked by Darkness 5

Ok I got this chainmail with a riddle in it:

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

It said after you sent to 10 ppl and then press shift you get the answer - it didnt really work.

I think the answer is probably really sappy like friends, but that doesnt make sense.

So can anybody figure it out.

2006-08-25 12:15:35 · 10 answers · asked by MellyMel 4

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
>
> George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going
> up to bed when
> his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
> garden shed, which
> she could see from the bedroom window.
>
>
>
>
> George opened the back door to go turn off the
> light, but saw that
> there were people in the shed stealing things.
>
>
>
>
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
> house?" and he
> said "no". Then they said that all patrols were
> busy, and that he should
> simply lock his door and an officer would be along
> when available.
> George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
> phoned the police
> aga in.
>
> "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
> there were
> people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry
> about them now
>
>
>
> cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung
> up
>
> Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
> Response unit, and
> an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and
> caught the burglars
> red-handed.
>
> One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
> said that you'd
> shot them!"
>
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
> available!"
>
> (True Story) I LOVE IT...

2006-08-25 12:08:15 · 12 answers · asked by Reca 2

2006-08-25 11:57:25 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".

After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "Oh well !" and turned around an drove home.

On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

2006-08-25 11:56:51 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde. They all worked together at an office.

Every day they noticed that their boss left work a little early.

So one day they met together and decided that today when the boss left, they would all leave early too.
The boss left and so did they.

The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning.

The Red Head went home to get in a quick work out before her dinner date.

The Blonde went home and walked into the bedroom. She opens the door slowly and saw her husband in bed with her boss, so she shut the door and left.

The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head are talking about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again.

"No," she says, "yesterday I nearly got caught!"

2006-08-25 11:52:24 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men get ship wrecked on an island & are soon found by a pack a cannibals. They are brought to the head cannibal.
Head cannibal: If you want your freedom you must go off into the jungle and bring back 10 of a fruit.
So the three men set off on they're separate tracks.

The first man returns with 10 apples.
Head Cannibal: good! now shove each of those apple up your bum without any emotion. If you show emotion we will eat you!

So the man starts 1..2.. ARR he screams & he is killed.

The second man arrives with 10 berries.
Head Cannibal: good! now shove each of those berries up your bum without any emotion... if you show emotion we will eat you!

So he starts, thinking this should be easy 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.. HAHAHA!! he got to 8 and burst out laughing. He was killed immediately.

The first man and second man meet in heaven.
First man: Why the hell did you laugh? You were almost there?
Seccond man: I couldn't help it i saw the third guy coming with pinapples!!!

2006-08-25 11:48:05 · 12 answers · asked by ♥ HeartStolen ♥ 2

Can you name five words that sound like numbers?

2006-08-25 11:47:54 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man road into town on tuesday stayed 2 nights then left again on tuesday..............How is this possible?

2006-08-25 11:41:07 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ronaldinho, George Bush, Cher, the Pope and a little boy are on a plane that's going to crash, but there are only 4 parachutes on the plane. First Ronaldinho says "I'm much loved and needed in the soccer world". He takes a bag and jumps off the plane. Then Cher says "I am needed in the music world". She takes a bag and jumps off. Next George bush says "I am the smartest president ever". He takes a bag and jumps off. Then the Pope says "Young boy, i am old and frail and my life is coming to and end, you take the last one". Then the little boy says "Don't worry old man, there's enough parachutes for us. The smartest president ever took my schoolbag". So they take the parachutes and jump off.

2006-08-25 11:31:12 · 20 answers · asked by ? 3

A man jumps from the top floor of a skyscraper - on the way down he hears a phone ringing on one of the floors - he thinks to himself "if I'd known that phone was going to ring I wouldn't have jumped" - Why is he jumping?

2006-08-25 11:29:11 · 18 answers · asked by MB42 3

2006-08-25 11:26:38 · 12 answers · asked by georgiebean 2

what is greater than god,less than the devil and will kill you if you eat it?

help guys!!!!

2006-08-25 11:21:57 · 12 answers · asked by peek-a-boo 1

2006-08-25 11:14:27 · 20 answers · asked by Henr 2

3 guys went 2 a baseball game. and 3 nuns with big hats sat down in front of them.so the guys decided 2 make fun of them. the 1st guy said " i'm gonna go 2 texas ther r only 50 nuns ther". then the 2nd guy said "i'm gonna go 2 california ther r only 15 nuns ther". then the 3rd guy said 'i'm gonna go 2 flordia ther r only 5 nuns ther". so then 1 of the nuns turn around and say " go 2 Hell. ther r NO nuns ther."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-25 11:12:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in.

What should have he said?

2006-08-25 11:03:46 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous