Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

im feeln pretty bummd at the moment...no idea why...if anyone has any jokes...or sweet little anecdotes...please share....thank you...i would love to give more than two points to everyone who answers...but unfortunately i cant...but i love you all for trying to help me....

thanks again...kisses all around... :-)

2006-08-25 15:59:56 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

i hear that it is true in some countries, but i am skeptical!! i don't 100% believe it, until i see it for my own self. you see, i was over in istanbul the other day on a bussiness meeting with the Bobs, when this tribesman came up to me and said, "aaooooda, look hea, i knows you come from da great land ova da seas, bewaya of da man-eatin potatoes, oooga booga!!" then he threw powder on my face. weird huh?? then i immediately caught a flight home i was so scared, should i have been frightened?? WAIT, i remember there was a man, and he was eating a potato as i was leaving the country, he begged for spare change, could this be what he was speaking of?? the homeless man that could only afford to eat free stolen potatoes?? MAN, i thought there was a killer potato gonna eat me!! Okay, never mind my question, i guess i answered it myself, thanks!!

2006-08-25 15:49:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman attends the funeral of her mother who has lost her battle with cancer. At the funeral, she meets the man of her dreams and falls madly in love with him. Unfortunately, he leaves before she can get his name, address, or phone number. Two weeks later, she murders her only sister. She has no history of past violent behavior. Why'd she do it?

2006-08-25 15:45:59 · 9 answers · asked by Untitled 3

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

2006-08-25 15:44:38 · 8 answers · asked by LiN 6

i have a fear, should i confront it?? i mean, it could be life-threatening, so should i do it?? i really need some support here, please help!! the thing i fear is...... don't laugh, wrestling scorpions. should i do it?? should i poke fun of thier mothers and say, "i sewed your scorpion mother a sweater, oh ho ho!!" ?? should i try this?? what are your thoughts??

2006-08-25 15:43:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

but whenever i go out, the people always shout there goes jonboy jingle hummer sh!tface, lalalalala!!

2006-08-25 15:40:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

2006-08-25 15:39:41 · 12 answers · asked by LiN 6

does smoking crack have side effects?? like asking retarded questions on here?? (this is refering to all the questions i just asked) ahahaha

2006-08-25 15:35:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

what it would be like to bungee jump naked?? if, say i were to do that, would my guy get stretched out too far and fall off??

2006-08-25 15:34:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

if one was to be too legit, should he quit??? or should he continue??

2006-08-25 15:33:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is the correct answer?? two men were walking down the street and one fell down and broke his little crown, the other came tumbling after, who were they??
1) jack and joe
2) wayne brady
3) patrick swayze and kurt russel in a crown

2006-08-25 15:29:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Official! World's funniest joke
Monday, October 7, 2002 Posted: 8:24 AM EDT (1224 GMT)


Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


http://archives.cnn.com/2002/TECH/science/10/03/joke.funniest/

2006-08-25 15:29:17 · 10 answers · asked by loudy_foudy 4

should you pursue that as a career??? because i am really good at this skill and i am wondering if i should quit my job and do this full time?? any advice would help, i will tell you what it is and you can tell me whether i should consider this or not. you see, i am exraordinarily well at jump kicking things and people. should i become a ninja and quit my job?? how much do they get paid, i know they don't get a salary, bu what is the going rate for jobs completed unnoticed?? you know, like stealth missions and what-not??

2006-08-25 15:27:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-25 15:27:39 · 8 answers · asked by pr 1

Q: What is the difference between acne and a Catholic priest?


A: Acne doesn't usually come on a boys face until after the age of 10.


you know thats f-ing hilarious i don't care who you are.

2006-08-25 15:26:05 · 10 answers · asked by Kari 2

how come joey, joey 2 x 4 couldn't fit through the bathroom door??? it's always bothered me, i don't know why he couldn't fit, anyone know why??

2006-08-25 15:24:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i know this might seem a little strange but listen up. i am wondering about a touchy subject for me, i did some research and always come up empty handed. i was wondering if any of you possibly had the answer?? a girl would be much appreciated to answer my question. the question is....... well i can say that guys do it, and it's not a problem discussing it, but it's hard to ask. here goes, my question is ......... do girls poop?? i know it sounds wierd but i don't wanna imagine it, and i figure if i hear a girl tell me they don't then i won't worry about it anymore!! thanks .............

2006-08-25 15:22:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it wrong that I love it when no one laughs at other people's jokes? It's so damn funny when someone tells a joke to a big group and no one laughs at all. Kills me everytime.

Anyone else?

2006-08-25 15:15:41 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day,

This sign will be posted wherever I work: "We don't discriminate against crazy people, but if you're stupid you're on your freaking own!"

*Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

*Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

*Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

*Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

*Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

*Farmer Bill Dies in House

*Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

*Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

*Stud Tires Out

*Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

*Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

*Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

*British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

*Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

*Eye Drops off Shelf

*Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

*Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

*Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

*Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

*Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

*Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

*Miners Refuse to Work after Death

*Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

*Stolen Painting Found by Tree

*Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

*Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

*Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

*Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

*Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

*War Dims Hope for Peace

*If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

*Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

*Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Murder

*Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

*Deer Kill 17,000

*Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

*Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

*New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

*Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

*Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

*Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

*Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire

*British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

*Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

*Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

*Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

*New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

*Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

*Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

*Air Head Fired

*Steals Clock, Faces Time

*Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff

*Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

*Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

*Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

*Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction

*Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

*Include your Children when Baking Biscuits

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-25 15:15:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is found and dead in a bathroom. The cause of death was drowning. Nothing in the bathroom caused the filling of water.

What happened?

2006-08-25 15:11:48 · 18 answers · asked by Mr T 4

A man is lying dead in a room witha a gun in his hand and a suicide tape recording in his hand. The police press play and hear the message. There is a gunshot at the end. Why do the police treat this as murder?

2006-08-25 15:08:10 · 21 answers · asked by Mr T 4

2006-08-25 14:55:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sinking Ship:

On a fine sunny day a ship was in the harbor. All of a sudden the ship began to sink. There was no storm and nothing wrong with the ship yet it sank right in front of the spectators eyes.
What caused the ship to sink?

2006-08-25 14:53:03 · 10 answers · asked by Mr T 4

There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?

2006-08-25 14:44:45 · 10 answers · asked by greenrose09 2

One day little Johny heard his mommy and daddy fighting.

"You bitc*!" yelled his dad.
"You bastard!" yelled his mom.

"Mommy & Daddy what is bitc* and what is bastard?"

"A bitc* is a lady and a bastard is a gentleman."

"Ok," he said and went to play outside.

For some reason, Johnny decided to spy in his neighbor's window. He heard the words "penis" and "vagina".

He didn't know what they meant so he went to ask his mom.

"Mommy, what is penis and what is vagina?" he asked.

"A penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat," she said.

"Ok!" he said, and ran off to see what his daddy was doing.

His dad was shaving his face in the bathroom.

When Johnny walked in, he startled his daddy and his dad got cut.

"$hit!" his daddy yelled.

"Daddy what is $hit?" he asked.

"$hit is a type of shaving cream."

"Ok," he said and went back to his mom who was cutting the turkey. He startled his mom too. "Fuc*!" she yelled.

"Mommy what is fuc*?"

2006-08-25 14:42:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'

The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'

'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'

'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'

2006-08-25 14:38:47 · 16 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Okay here's the joke:
There's an immigrant walking through the park,he hasn't learned much English yet so he is observing everyone.Then, he sees a boy yelling,"He stole my lollypop,he stole my lolly pop!.Then he sees a man saying,"Forks,and knives,forks and knives!".After that while he is walking through Wal-Mart he hears,"Plug it in,plug it in"So while he is driving home he sees a man who was murderd and goes to investegate.Then,the police find at the crime scene,and arrest him.They then ask him,"Why did you kill him?",the man answers,"He stole my lollypop,he stole my lollypop!"Then they ask ,"what did you kill him with with?",he answers,"Forks,and knives,forks and knives!".Tey take him to court and he is found guilty,so they put him in the eletric chair,and the police say,"Ready?",the man anwsers,"Plug it in,plug it in!".....

2006-08-25 14:22:08 · 16 answers · asked by Aubrey Animal Goddess :-) 2

You're a redneck if...

-You have more fingers than you do teeth
-You cut your grass and find a car
-You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant
-Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors
-Your age is higher than your I.Q.
-Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"
-You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."
-You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.
-You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital.
-Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

2006-08-25 14:16:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very

attractive blonde woman from Texas arrived and bet twenty-thousand

dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.





She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but feel much luckier when I'm

completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled

the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"





As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...





"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"





She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and

her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other

dumfounded.





Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."





Moral - Not all Texans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb,

But all men are men.

2006-08-25 14:15:12 · 18 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage
after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not
familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She
motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to
read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside
the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're
in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

2006-08-25 14:09:45 · 13 answers · asked by basscatcher 4