Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an

end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful

Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college

so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What

ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so,

when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."

DAA!

2006-08-25 20:55:22 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

This is intended as humor, so it should be answered along that line.

2006-08-25 20:52:32 · 30 answers · asked by fed 1

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

2006-08-25 20:47:33 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open when she brings it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing
machine will probably never be able to support you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say
something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."


-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up
the required pressure.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your
wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in
first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.


-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a
woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

2006-08-25 20:44:45 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Penises. Since high school, I'd been a firm believer that the size of a man's penis didn't matter. After all, they had only to think dirty thoughts and they'd become twice or thrice the size. A little rubbing here and there and poof! Small penis problem solved.
That was until my friend Lori started in on her new man. Jessie was a bodybuilder and she swore up and down that his penis was the size of her pinky finger. I said NUH-UH. She wanted to get him drunk so she could show me. "Not only is he hung like a hamster, but it's a godawful dark purple color like it needs air or something," she said.
Being 17 years old and a virgin, I declined her offer to see the goods. She dumped him when she learned he was a huge 'roid user. That, and she complained that half the time he couldn't get it up.
I remember hoping to God that my first boyfriend wouldn't have a large penis. I had heard horrible stories about behemoth penises that took on their own monstrous forms and knew no mercy.
My first time happened so fast that it's hard for me to remember all the details. One of the things that sticks out in my mind is the fact that I had to ask, "Are you in me yet?" because I honestly could not tell. Now, I knew exactly what Lori was talking about, and I realized she hadn't been exaggerating.
I started wondering what big ones would be like. A few average Joes later, and I met Jake. He had a speed bike, a new sports car and his own house at age 21. He walked like a man bigger than his 5-foot-8 frame and cussed a lot, and wore an Italian horn although he was only half-Italian. A few dates later and I realized that all of the money or toys in the world would not compensate for such a lack. No wonder he was an angry little man. All that time I thought there was something wrong with me.
Then I had an epiphany when I met Alan. Six foot three--and proportionate. That night I was a changed woman. Motion of the ocean, my butt...but it didn't last long, which summed up his duration as well.
"Get off already!" I said, annoyed that he drank too much one evening. What good was being proportionate without the stamina?
"I'm sorry...it's just that it's been a while. If you have a vibrator, I can, you know..."
"No. I don't." And I rolled over, disappointed.
Then along came Mike. I had predetermined that I wasn't going to sleep with him. Nothing about him said "Do me, now!"
But he was warm, witty and charmed me with his sense of humor, not to mention he was a good kisser. My wandering hand ended up you know where and--voila!--my clothes magically came off. He had Alan beat--and I didn't think that was possible.
If I was ever going to be dick-whipped in all my life, it was for the sheer rarity of stroking such a mammoth! I couldn't wait to try it out. Then I could boast to all my girlfriends that it was true that big ones are best. But lo! What is this? After 10 minutes of going at it, I felt as if my insides were about to fall out. I do believe he was tickling my tonsils, but it hurt! Ow! Maybe I jumped the gun in eager anticipation. I waddled a little bit the next day and it was painful to sit down.
I didn't want to be a quitter, and Mike was such a good catch that I thought we should at least give it another try. But every time we tried to get intimate, my legs instinctively clamped shut. I couldn't imagine a life of penis phobia, so I had to cut him loose. No amount of penis in the world, in whatever shape or size, was worth putting myself through such agony.
Now when my friends ask me if I think penis size is important, I only comment, "If a man accepts you for the size (or lack thereof) of your boobs and your ***, then whatever size he has is fine if it can be accommodated physically, and as long as he isn't hung like a hamster."

2006-08-25 20:41:34 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I'll be happy when...

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, when we are able to go on a nice vacation or when we retire. The truth is there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges.

It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with ... and remember that time waits for no one.


So, stop waiting ..
Until your car or home is paid off.
Until you get a new car or home.
Until your kids leave the house.
Until you go back to school.
Until you finish school.
Until you lose 10 lbs.
Until you gain 10 lbs.
Until you get married.
Until you get a divorce.
Until you have kids.
Until you retire.
Until summer..
Until spring.
Until winter.
Until fall.
Until you die.

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So work like you don't need money, love like you've never been hurt, and, dance like no one's watching.

2006-08-25 20:36:17 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country
music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to
service
lately.
He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she
answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with
you."
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She
was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around herself
and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands -
which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed.
"It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said ....... "Hello, Darlin!!"

2006-08-25 20:33:16 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty, the country
music singer.

One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to
service
lately.
He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she
answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with
you."
So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.

Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She
was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around herself
and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands -
which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed.
"It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said ....... "Hello, Darlin!!"

2006-08-25 20:33:06 · 3 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

The Guys' Rules



At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!



1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.



1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.



1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.



1. Crying is blackmail.



1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!



1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.



1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.



1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.



1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.



1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.



1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.



1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.



1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.



1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.



1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.



1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.



1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.



1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.



1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.



1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.



1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.



1. You have enough clothes.



1. You have too many shoes.



1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

2006-08-25 20:29:51 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

ORDERING PIZZA IN 2008
This is so close to what is probably going to be happening in 2008 that we're not sure how funny this really is...

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir.

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number is 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@home.net. Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this inform ation?

Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.

Custo mer: The HSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas.

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir.

Customer: Whaddya mean?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice .

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99.

Customer: Lemme give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run o ver to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your checking account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.

2006-08-25 20:26:52 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-25 20:25:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Allright guys, enjoy this!!
>
> >>Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
>
> >>
>
> >>How many men does it take to open a beer?
>
> >>None. It should be opened when she brings it.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
>
> >>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
>
> >>probably never
>
> >>be able to support you.
>
>
> >>--------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>Why do women have smaller feet than men?
>
> >>It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
>
> >>them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
>
> >>When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>How do you fix a woman's watch?
>
> >>You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>Why do men fart more than women?
>
> >>Because women can't shut up long enough to
>
> >>build up the required pressure.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
>yelling at
>
> >>the
>
> >>front door, who do you let in first?
>
> >>The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
>
> >>A woman who won't do what she's told.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>I married a Miss Right.
>
> >>I just didn't know her first name was Always.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
>
> >>a woman's sex drive by 90%.
>
> >>It's called a Wedding Cake.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>Why do men die before their wives?
>
> >>They want to.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>Women will never be equal to men until they can
>
> >>walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
>
> >>gut, and still think they are sexy.
>
>
> >>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> >>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
>
> >>Then God created Man and rested.
>
> >>Then God created Woman.
>
> >>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
>
>

2006-08-25 20:24:30 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A prominent Columbia Maryland Yuppette had her teenage niece from New York visiting for the summer. She decided to sit down and have a talk with the girl explaining how things were done in Yuppie City.

"Darling," she advised, "you must be careful of certain men who offer you several drinks. Before you realize it, they'll push you down on a couch and ... well ... our family will be disgraced."

Less than a week later, the Aunt asked her how things were going.

"Great!" said the girl. "A young stud did indeed try to ply me with liquor, but I made him drink them. Then, when he was bombed out of his mind, I pushed him down on couch and screwed his brains out. So it looks like our family's doing pretty damn good, huh?"

2006-08-25 19:51:27 · 8 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are.

He says "well, p-u-s-s-y and b-i-t-c-h".

She says "Oh That's no big deal, p-u-s-s-y is a cat like our little Mittens, and b-i-t-c-h is a female dog like our Sandy."

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement.

He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning."

Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"

He tells him...p-u-s-s-y and b-i-t-c-h.

Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is p-u-s-s-y."

"OK dad, so what's a b-i-t-c-h?"

"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

2006-08-25 19:45:14 · 14 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

John is sitting in a bar drinking his drink when an old man walks by and says; "I did your mother."
John ignores the old man and keeps drinking. A little while later the same old man walks by and says; "I did your mother."
John once again ignores him and keeps drinking.
About ten minutes later the old man walks by again and says; "I did your mother and your mother bl... me every night."
Finally John says; "You're drunk Dad, go home."



he he he....u like it huh?

2006-08-25 19:40:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

have holes in their pockets?
so they can run their fingers through their hair!

2006-08-25 19:37:17 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Previously we had this riddle:

How do you define a will (the legal declaration)?
A: As a dead giveaway!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Why are elephants always so poor?

Good luck!

2006-08-25 19:29:59 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

a penis have a big head?
To stop a man's hand from sliding off and hiiting himself in the eye

2006-08-25 19:27:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A frog falls down a well that's 50 feet deep, every day he climbs up 3 feet, by night he slips back down 2 feet. How many days does it take the frog to get out of the well.

2006-08-25 19:17:04 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

im soooo frickin bored i wanna kill myself.jk.

2006-08-25 19:12:52 · 10 answers · asked by Holly♥ 2

2006-08-25 19:10:11 · 12 answers · asked by Joelle 2

This man has a boat, a chicken, a fox and a sack of corn. He has to get everything to the other side of the river but he can only take one thing with him. He can't leave the fox with the chicken, nor can he leave the chicken with the corn.

2006-08-25 19:04:40 · 25 answers · asked by |Chris 4

2006-08-25 19:02:28 · 20 answers · asked by bryanstrider 2

2006-08-25 19:00:29 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-25 18:59:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-25 18:58:36 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-25 18:58:03 · 4 answers · asked by flower 1

Obliviously, they are monitoring this..
Whats in it for them?

2006-08-25 18:55:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard if you shake the fu*k out of a condom you wont get pregnant. Truth or fiction?

2006-08-25 18:48:58 · 30 answers · asked by melhtims 2

2006-08-25 18:47:24 · 9 answers · asked by Bertha J. 1