Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

-What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
-What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
-What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
-Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
-What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts
-Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
-What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
-What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
-What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
-What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
-What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
-Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
-Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

2006-08-26 10:58:46 · 10 answers · asked by Reca 2

Feel free to leave comments on the original Quote.

2006-08-26 10:52:23 · 18 answers · asked by E10 2

Go to www.google.com and type in failure. Read the first result. How funny.

2006-08-26 10:45:51 · 25 answers · asked by ticklefoot 4

>
>> > 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
>> > Unique Up On It.
>> >
>> > 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
>> > Tame Way.
>> >
>> > 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
>> > They Take The Psycho Path
>> >
>> > 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
>> > You Boil The Hell Out Of It
>> >
>> > 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
>> > Dam!
>> >
>> > 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
>> > Polaroid's
>> >
>> > 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
>> > A Stick
>> >
>> > 8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
>> > Nacho Cheese.
>> >
>> > 9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
>> > Subordinate Clauses.
>> >
>> > 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
>> > Quattro Sinko..
>> >
>> > 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
>> > Spoiled Milk.
>> >
>> > 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a
>>Vampire?
>> > Frostbite.
>> >
>> > 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A
>>Nervous
>> >Wreck.
>> >
>> > 14 What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
>> > Anyone Can Roast Beef.
>> >
>> > 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
>> > Right Where You Left Him.
>> >
>> > 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
>> > Because They Have Big Fingers.
>> >
>> > 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
>> > Because It Scares The Dog.
>> >
>> > 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
>> > Sanka.
>> >
>> > 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?!
>>The
>> >Location Of The Dirt Bag.
>> > 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
>> > Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
>> >
>> > 21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad
>>Skydiver?
>> > A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
>> > A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
>> >
>> > 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The
>>Same?
>> > Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
>> >
>> > Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile
>> >

2006-08-26 10:44:33 · 9 answers · asked by ticklefoot 4

What is the infamous line in the new movie Snakes on a Plane???I already know the answer who ever answers correctly first wins!10 pts.

2006-08-26 10:38:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-26 10:38:06 · 15 answers · asked by nannacrocodiles 3

Who wrote this:
Yogurt: semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

2006-08-26 10:33:05 · 8 answers · asked by Kiara 5

I'm not the pheasant plucker, i'm the pheasant plucker's son. I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.

or how about...

Whoever slit the sheets is a good sheet sliter.

2006-08-26 10:26:48 · 26 answers · asked by ? 3

a lady goes 2 her moms funeral....while shes there she sees watz 2 b the love of her life...a few days later shy trys 2 get n touch with him but she kant...so the next day she kills her sister WHY???

2006-08-26 10:08:46 · 17 answers · asked by purplerose08 1

The assisstant asked him if he needed any help , the blind man said " No thanks I'm only looking " !!
(No animals were harmed in the making of this joke)

2006-08-26 09:59:31 · 14 answers · asked by Bill L 5

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3 . Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ****?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

13. What do people in China call their good plates?

14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

16. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

17. What do you call male ballerinas?

18. Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream??

19. If Wile E.Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your ***?

27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

2006-08-26 09:56:36 · 12 answers · asked by Led*Zep*Babe 5

.....while doing this draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change directions.

lol, this question isn't very important or anything but I thought it was pretty cool, so how many peoples changed direction? Mine did sure did.

2006-08-26 09:17:58 · 29 answers · asked by Led*Zep*Babe 5

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on
today as they may be connected to the azz that I may have
to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday's
23% on Tuesday's
40% on Wednesday's
20% on Thursday's
5% on Friday's

And help me to remember...
when I'm having a really bad day,
and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and
only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!

Amen

2006-08-26 09:16:35 · 8 answers · asked by Reca 2

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and c omplications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
"cookie", wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll
model for millions. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

2006-08-26 09:07:42 · 15 answers · asked by Reca 2

"Fleas"
Adam had'em.

2006-08-26 09:06:49 · 15 answers · asked by rico3151 6

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in! enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person..Can we get naked now?.

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him

2006-08-26 09:02:49 · 13 answers · asked by Reca 2

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!"
The woman chose t o ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-azz grill for one little weenie?"

2006-08-26 08:51:49 · 10 answers · asked by Reca 2

Damn the man who invented the english language.

2006-08-26 08:50:30 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

heres a peom i wrote :If KISSES were rain ID send u Showers
IF hugs were minutes ID send u SHOWERS if smiles were Waves id send u the SEA and if love was a person id send u ME!

2006-08-26 08:43:55 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

she thought it was a donut seed.

2006-08-26 08:36:21 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the beginning, God created the mule, and told him, "You will be a mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will live for 40 years." The mule replied, "Lord, to live like that for 40 years is too much. Give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded,"Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, make it no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are a monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey said, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over all the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man responded, "Lord, certainly to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog declined, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

So God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule, working and carrying heavy loads. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years more as a dog, guarding his household and eating only their leftovers after they empty the pantry; and then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it became so.

2006-08-26 08:13:46 · 17 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

2006-08-26 08:06:14 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 guys were asked what would they want to be if they reincarnated. The first one said, I would like to be a bird. Why a bird? He said because birds fly all over and are free . OK. The second one said I would like to be a dog. Why a dog? Because dogs are walked and fed and well taken care of. OK. The third one says I would like to be an ambulance. An ambulance, why? because imagine they open you up from the back, they put a man in you, and you scream like the siren.

2006-08-26 07:48:52 · 16 answers · asked by lady love 2

2006-08-26 07:42:23 · 21 answers · asked by *******lover 2

2006-08-26 07:41:31 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

seriously, pl. .........not.

2006-08-26 07:36:17 · 3 answers · asked by WELL R.S. 1

seriously, pl. .........not.

2006-08-26 07:34:08 · 2 answers · asked by WELL R.S. 1

if a tree falls in the middle of no were and no one is around to hear it fall does it really make a sound...........?

2006-08-26 07:32:47 · 13 answers · asked by ahghgfhgfhgf 1

OK i don't care if you have heard them before by sum1 or sumwher, so please don't comment on how un-funny u think they r, or if u have heard them before, or if u get mad at wut theyr about. Thank you.

1: Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden. However, no matter what she did, she couldnt get her tomatos to ripen. Admiring her neighbors garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret."Its really simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatos and they turn red with embarrassment."Desprate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check on her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with ur tomatos?""No," she replied excitedly, "but u should see the size of my cucumbers!"

2006-08-26 07:22:56 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, imagine you're in a campground, you find a bottle with a clue to a treasure. What does this clue make you think of:
-Find Christmas eve. Follow the path ou to the sea. A cross marks it's grave. Between the roots of a tree.

What does that make you think of?

2006-08-26 07:22:56 · 20 answers · asked by Jeanette 2