Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-26 19:51:23 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

the perfect man and woman met and their life was perfect.



























on x-mas eve they saw santa (yay!!!) holding toys and were delivreing toys soon to help him.



















































































































































then then they in a horrable car crash .... who survived?































































































































no not santa!! evryone knows sant isnt real right???
















nope there no perfect man you all know that!!!














the perfect woman!!!

2006-08-26 19:50:35 · 31 answers · asked by Winner! 2

I laugh so Hard I cry all the time. Embarrassing :[

2006-08-26 19:46:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-26 19:37:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the board, and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men in the class wrote:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women in the class wrote:
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

2006-08-26 19:30:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Why are elephants always so poor?
A: Because they work for penuts!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

Tell me the city that you name by dropping a waffle on the beach.

Have fun!

2006-08-26 19:29:51 · 8 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said "I bet I know what it is — it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is — it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

''What is it?"

"A puppy!"

2006-08-26 19:14:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-26 19:03:29 · 8 answers · asked by American GirL. =) 1

During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she continually yelled, "Kill the umpire!" This went on for an hour. " Lady," another fan called out, "the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."
"He's my husband," she replied. "Last night he came home with lipstick on his collar. Kill the umpire!"

2006-08-26 18:57:27 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doesn't matter from what ethnic background is what is the funniest joke you have EVER heard. I am talking the funnniest joke or like a QUOTE or something.

2006-08-26 18:56:48 · 13 answers · asked by PJ 2

A small town's only barber was known for his arrogant, negative attitude. When one of his customers mentioned he'd be going to Rome on vacation and hoped to meet the pope, the barber's reaction was typical. "You?" he said. "Meet the pope?" Don't make me laugh! The pope sees kings and presidents. What would he want with you?"
A month later, the man returned for another haircut. "How was Rome?" asked the barber.
"Great! I saw the pope!"
"From St. Peter's Square, I suppose, with the rest of the crowd,"
said the barber.
"Yes, but then two guards came up, said the pope wanted to meet me, and took me right into his private apartment in the Vatican."
"Really?" the barber asked. "What did he say?"
"He said, "Who gave you that lousy haircut?"





lol :)

2006-08-26 18:40:45 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Without......... curse words!!!!! Like a## and F&^# etc, etc. Who is the king of all insults without using curse words?

2006-08-26 18:30:46 · 14 answers · asked by Kevin H. 3

A man was driving down the highway with a car full of penguins. Penguins sticking out the windows, penguins coming out the sunroof, penguin everywhere. A cop pulled him over and told him if he didn't want a ticket he'd better take those penguins straight to the zoo. The man promised he would and drove off.

The next day, the same highway, the same car, the same guy, the same cop and the same penguins - only this time the penguins were all wearing sunglasses! The cop pulled the guy over and said, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!"

"I did" said the guy, "Today I'm taking them to the beach!"

2006-08-26 18:25:45 · 21 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

it is so simple!

2006-08-26 18:23:43 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please don't be mad at me, I'm from the states and just wanted to make a little joke...Because I have family there and I do know that Canadians really do say ehh?

2006-08-26 17:54:20 · 6 answers · asked by pregnant & praying now has baby 3

How Do You Get To Heaven?
"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again the answer was, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?" I asked them again.

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

2006-08-26 17:34:23 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

2006-08-26 17:22:09 · 11 answers · asked by duhman 3

gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike=a coward

happy=paid too much

hard worker=usually does it the hard way

identifies major management problems=complains a lot

is well informed=knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept

inspires the cooperation of others=gets everyone else to do the work

is unusually loyal=wanted by no one else

judgment is usually sound=lucky

keen sense of humor=knows lots of dirty jokes

keeps informed on business issues=subscribes to playboy and national enquirer

listens well=has no ideas of his own

maintains a high degree of participation=comes to work on time

maintains professional attitude=a snob

meticulous in attention to detail=a nitpicker

mover and shaker=favors steamroller tactics without regard for other peoples opinions

uses all available resources=takes office supplies home for personal use

quick thinking=offers plausible excuses for errors

should go far=please

spends extra hours on the job=miserable home life

straightforward=blunt and insensitive

strong adherence to principles=stubborn

tactful in dealing with superiors=knows when to keep mouth shut

takes utmost advantage of every opportunity to progress=buys drinks for superiors

takes pride in work=conceited

uses time effectively=clock watcher

very creative=finds 22 reasons to do anthing except original work

will go far=relative of management

willing to take calculated risks=doesn’t mind spending someone else’s money

2006-08-26 16:49:06 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-26 16:37:28 · 18 answers · asked by Kevin H. 3

2006-08-26 16:29:13 · 17 answers · asked by fed 1

One day, about a month ago, the president was looking for a call
girl. He found three such ladies in a local lounge - a blonde, a
brunette, and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States...
How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde
replied, "Two hundred dollars."
To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One
hundred dollars."
He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied,
"Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes...
get my panties as low as my wages... get that thing of yours as
hard as the times... keep it as high as the gas prices... keep me
warmer than my apartment. and... screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr. President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."

2006-08-26 16:25:02 · 9 answers · asked by Lacey 5

2006-08-26 16:18:22 · 9 answers · asked by Kevin H. 3

2006-08-26 16:14:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

BEST ANSWER 10 POINTS COMING YOUR WAY!!!

2006-08-26 16:01:00 · 8 answers · asked by JennaBee 1

have to read a letter of recommendations? here are a few translations:
a keen analyst=thoroughly confused

accepts new job assignments willingly=never finished a job

active socially=drinks heavily

alert to company developments=an office gossip

approaches difficult problems with logic=finds someone else to do the job

bridge builder=likes to compromise

character above reproach=still one step ahead of the law

charismatic=no interest in any opinion but his own

competent=is still able to get work done if supervisor helps

conscientious and careful=scared

consults with co workers often=indecisive, confused and clueless

delegates responsibility effectively=passes the buck well

demonstrates qualities of leadership=has a loud voice

deserves promotion=create new title to make him/her feel appreciated

displays excellent intuitive judgment=knows when to disappear

displays great dexterity and agility=dodges and evades superiors well

enjoys job=needs more to do
excels in sustaining concentration but avoids everyone=ignores everyone

excels in the effective application of skills=makes a good cup of coffee

exceptionally well qualified=has committed no major blunders to date

expresses self well=can string two sentences together

2006-08-26 15:58:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-26 15:58:16 · 3 answers · asked by Chemtrail_Sun 2

Tire - male, because it goes bald and often is overinflated.

Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Hammer - male, because it hasen't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Ziplock Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.

Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with it's tongue hanging out.

Remote Control - female, because it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles.

Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproduction device when the right buttons are pushed, and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and of course, there's the hot air part.

Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

2006-08-26 15:55:31 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-26 15:54:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-26 15:41:03 · 10 answers · asked by ~DANiELLE~ 3

2006-08-26 15:38:53 · 16 answers · asked by jane d 4