Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit the 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.”

2006-08-26 23:47:35 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-26 23:45:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch
> made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to
> hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
> Coming out of his garage, rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential
> downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing
> 80 kph.
>
> Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house
> and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad
> weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly
> undresses
> and slips back into bed.
>
> There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
> anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
>
> To which she sleepily replies, "Yes, I know it is, can you believe my stupid
> husband is
> out fishing in that ****?"

2006-08-26 23:43:46 · 7 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

I can run but can't sleep. I'm fast but not easy. I'm dumb but very tired. what am i not?

2006-08-26 23:43:14 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,"What

setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...

_______________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the

happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."

_______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he steps out of the

shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the

lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

_______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you

really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.

______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I

Sit on the sofa and fart.

_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I give you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror

______________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th >wedding

anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that

because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a

very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

__________________

2006-08-26 23:41:30 · 13 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Today it be my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child
> support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those darn
> payments!
>
> So I call my baby girl, she be named LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get
> there, I say "Baby girl, I want you to take this here check over to you mama
> house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me,
> and I want you to come back here and tell me what be the _expression that be on you mama
> face"
>
> So my baby girl she take the check over to her, I be anxious to hear what
> she say and what she look like.
>
> Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo mama say 'bout that?"
>
> She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy....and watch the _expression on
> yo face.."

2006-08-26 23:38:36 · 6 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

There was this truck driver coming down the wrong side of the one-way traffic road. He was coming from the no-entry side. Still this cop did not stop him, but rather smiled and wished him off! Can anyone of you tell me why?

2006-08-26 23:36:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the
customs of American
Indians.
While touring a reservation during the
documentary, she was
puzzled as to why the difference in the number of
feathers in the
headdresses. So she asked a brave why he had only
one feather in his
headdress and his reply was,
"Only have one woman -- one woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she
asked another brave.
This brave had two feathers in his headdress,
and he replied, "Me have two women -- two women,
two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the
number
of sexual partners involved,
she decided to interview Chief Big Horn. Now the
Chief
had a headdress full of feathers,
which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.

She asked the Chief,
"Why do you have so many feathers in your
headdress?"
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said:
"Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all.
"Big, small, fat and tall - me sleep with 'em
all!"

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be
hung."
The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like
buffalo,
long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so
hostile."
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style,
wolf-style, any style,
me sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh,
dear."


The Chief said: "No deer. *** too high, run too
fast."

2006-08-26 23:32:48 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the
customs of American
Indians.
While touring a reservation during the
documentary, she was
puzzled as to why the difference in the number of
feathers in the
headdresses. So she asked a brave why he had only
one feather in his
headdress and his reply was,
"Only have one woman -- one woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking, she
asked another brave.
This brave had two feathers in his headdress,
and he replied, "Me have two women -- two women,
two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the
number
of sexual partners involved,
she decided to interview Chief Big Horn. Now the
Chief
had a headdress full of feathers,
which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.

She asked the Chief,
"Why do you have so many feathers in your
headdress?"
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said:
"Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all.
"Big, small, fat and tall - me sleep with 'em
all!"

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be
hung."
The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like
buffalo,
long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so
hostile."
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style,
wolf-style, any style,
me sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh,
dear."


The Chief said: "No deer. *** too high, run too
fast."

2006-08-26 23:32:12 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-08-26 22:42:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-26 22:35:37 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man was horrified. 'Only twenty years of normal
sex life?' but the Lord was very adamant, that
was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him
twenty years. 'But I don't need twenty years',
he protested, 'ten is plenty for me.' Man spoke
up eagerly, 'Can I have the other ten?' The
monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty
years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only
ten. Again the man spoke up, 'Can I have the
other ten?' The lion said of course he could.

Then came the donkey and he was given twenty
years-but like the others,ten was sufficient and
again man pleaded, 'Can I have the other ten?'
The donkey said yes he could.

This explains why man has twenty years of normal
sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten
years of lion about it, and ten years of making
an *** of himself.

2006-08-26 22:23:42 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

When the farmer arrived at the obedience school to pick up his newly trained bird dog, he asked the instructor for a demonstration. The two men and the dog went to a nearby field, where the dog immediately pointed to a clump of brush, then rolled over twice. "There are two birds in there," the instructor said, and sure enough, two birds were flushed. A minute later, the dog pointed to another bunch of bushes, and then rolled over five times.
"There are five birds in there," the instructor noted, and indeed five birds were driven from the brush. Then the dog pointed to a third clump. He began to whine and run in circles until he found a stick, which he shook mightily and dropped at the men's feet.
"And in that clump of brush there," the proud instructor concluded, "there are more birds than you can shake a stick at!"

2006-08-26 22:12:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

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2006-08-26 22:06:43 · 22 answers · asked by Winner! 2

im bored need help asap (as soon as possible)

2006-08-26 21:56:59 · 19 answers · asked by Winner! 2

2006-08-26 21:45:48 · 19 answers · asked by Winner! 2

2006-08-26 21:43:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a strange sound. The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way. Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How do I become a monk?" The monks replied, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk." The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, "I have traveled the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the Earth." The monks replied, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound." The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, "Real funny. may I have the key?" The monks gave him the key, and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key, and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks said, "This is the last key to the last door." The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.

2006-08-26 21:37:00 · 18 answers · asked by Winner! 2

ANYTHING

2006-08-26 21:26:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Carry out this test. Just follow the instructions as quick as possible but do not carry on reading the following questions before you finish the previous one. You do not need to write the answers, just do it using your mind. You'll be overwhelmed by the result...



How much is :













15+6





















3+56



















89+2



















12+53



















75+26

















25+52

















63+32















I know! Calculations are hard work but this is the real thing dudes! Come on, a few more...

123+5

















QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOUR!



Scroll further to the bottom...













A bit more...










have just thought about a red hammer, haven't you????

If this is not the case you are among 2% of the people who have a "different" if not "abnormal" mind. 98% of the folks would answer a "red hammer" while doing this exercise.

2006-08-26 21:23:29 · 29 answers · asked by Winner! 2

I am above you and below you.
I go up while I go down.
I can make your journey easy or make it hard.
What am I?

2006-08-26 21:21:19 · 8 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

would you please hold these 3 sheep for me to count them?

2006-08-26 21:11:30 · 12 answers · asked by Jabo 2

a mad man have captured carmen electra, mike tyson, pammy anderson, billy bob thornton and the rest of 100 sexiest people

they have been cloned 1000times

half of the nation is in the mad mans command

2006-08-26 21:04:10 · 17 answers · asked by BigBoy 2

You are left alone in a deserted island with only clothes, a shoe, an underwear and a friend named joe.......????

oops i forgot, and a long, shiny, brand new machete

2006-08-26 20:57:13 · 34 answers · asked by BigBoy 2

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

2006-08-26 20:31:20 · 23 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

Doctors hate me, kids love to eat me, fisherman love me; who am i ?

2006-08-26 20:29:19 · 28 answers · asked by monjeet23 1

tellme a really funny joke may the funniest joke win!!!! make me laugh !!!!

2006-08-26 20:23:57 · 26 answers · asked by Winner! 2

My Question ( OMG This sounds like some sort of a games show Lol ).
Ok Q1 #
What is the weirdest thing that you have ever heard, done , said or recieved?

2006-08-26 20:05:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

funniest joke gets 10 make that 12 points (kinda...) cmon make me laugh!!!

2006-08-26 20:04:22 · 20 answers · asked by Winner! 2

Question:

A cop was walking past a restaurant when he heard someone scream - "No John, not the gun!" He ran inside and and saw a doctor, a lawyer, a milkman, and a dead body on the floor. He promptly walked over to the milkman and arrested him. He didn't witness the shooting and there was no apparent evidence to prove who shot the person and no one told him who the killer was.

How did the policeman instantly know it was the milkman?

2006-08-26 19:53:20 · 9 answers · asked by MAK 6