Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

When we got her up she said "Cant you ring your bell " I said yes , I can ring my bell but I cant ride my bike

2006-08-26 12:37:27 · 15 answers · asked by Bill L 5

2006-08-26 12:25:15 · 24 answers · asked by sandman 1

Imagine a duck in a bottle.

The duck is much larger than the neck of the bottle.

How do you get the duck out of the bottle without damaging the duck or the bottle?

Have fun,

Roy.

2006-08-26 12:16:56 · 27 answers · asked by Roy R 3

doctor says=let’s see how it develops
doctor means=maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured
doctor says=let me schedule you for some tests
doctor means=I have a 40% interest in the lab
doctor says=how are we today?
doctor means=I feel great. You, on the other hand, look like hell
doctor says=I’d like to prescribe a new drug
doctor means=I’m writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig
doctor says=if it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call
doctor means=I don’t know what the hell it is. Maybe it will go away by itself
doctor says=that’s quite a nasty looking wound
doctor means=I think I’m going to throw up
doctor says=this may sting a little
doctor means=last week two patients bit through their tongues
doctor says=this should fix you up
doctor means=the drug salesman guaranteed that it kills all symptoms
doctor says=everything seems to be normal
doctor means=I guess I can’t buy that new beach house after all
doctor says=I’d like to run some more tests
doctor means=I can’t figure out whats wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one
doctor says=do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves
doctor means=he think you are crazy and is hoping to find a psychiatrist who will split fees

2006-08-26 12:16:12 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4tzbpwtHXg

2006-08-26 12:15:09 · 6 answers · asked by Mr.Death 5

the day before two days after the day before tomorrow is monday.what day is today?

2006-08-26 12:07:46 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-26 12:07:15 · 16 answers · asked by sandman 1

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

Smart is when you only believe half of what you hear. Brilliant is when you know which freaking half!

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. The machine was remarkable as it required no attachments to the dad but would transfer the pain.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine! The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 per cent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the postman was dead on the porch!

http://www.total-knowledge.com/~willyblues/

2006-08-26 12:06:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This isn't a joke or a riddle...I'm just curious

2006-08-26 12:00:22 · 3 answers · asked by Sarah 4

this is my last question of the day and been wondering what i can ask so my question i have come up with is: how many people can sign my guestbook?leave a comment and be on woth the chance of the 10 points ill choose in the morning!! my site is on my profile .good luck!!

2006-08-26 11:55:59 · 6 answers · asked by sammydeea 3

1)Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

2)How can you tell the Italian kid reading to his kid at night?



Answers:

1)To a different bar!


2)He goes "Once upon a freaking time and a half...."



Ok, they were lame lol. It was MY 10 pts to spend, and a free 2 pts for all :P

2006-08-26 11:52:08 · 10 answers · asked by ffxi_minizilla 4

what moves but has no shadow? and what has bones but is not a skeleton?

2006-08-26 11:51:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

2006-08-26 11:51:56 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father,

2006-08-26 11:51:25 · 5 answers · asked by Kiara 5

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

2006-08-26 11:49:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Washing
Ironing
*******
Etc.

2006-08-26 11:46:58 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

doctor says=this should be taken care of right away
doctor means=I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that i want to fix it before it cures itself
doctor says=well, what have we here
doctor means=since I haven’t the foggiest notion of what it is, I’m hoping you will give me a bit of a clue
doctor says=we'll see
doctor means=first I have to check my malpractice insurance
doctor says=let me check your medical history
doctor means=I want to see if you’ve paid you last bill before spending any more time with you
doctor says=why wont we make another appointment later in the week
doctor means=I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time. Or, I need the money, so I’m charging you for another office visit
doctor says=I really cant recommend seeing a chiropractor
doctor means=I hate those guys mooching our fees
doctor says=we have some good news and some bad news
doctor means= the good news is he’s going to buy that new BMW, and the bad news is you’re going to pay for it

2006-08-26 11:46:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

2006-08-26 11:40:43 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

2006-08-26 11:37:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which of the following animals can see best in absolute darkness?
A cat
A bat
An owl
A dog
A human

2006-08-26 11:29:43 · 5 answers · asked by CubicMoo 2

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"

2006-08-26 11:23:45 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

what goes around the world, but stays in the corner?

2006-08-26 11:22:25 · 9 answers · asked by . 2

1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Now WHO should I give the 10 points to?

2006-08-26 11:21:22 · 9 answers · asked by ? 6

One day, you woke up in a place you havent seen before. There, you saw three rooms, all bring you to the exit. But, on those rooms, there were notes. It said: 1: room is filled with poison gas 2: room has more than 15 lions that havent eaten for 5 years 3: room is fiiled with snipers that would kill anyone who steps in You have no other choice, but to choose one of the three. Which room would be the way that could get you out without being harmed?

2006-08-26 11:20:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

amnesia=what did you ask me?
apathy=I don’t care
bigotry=I’m not going to tell someone like you
damnation=go to hell!
dyslexia=beeing sackwords
egotistical=I’m the best person to answer that question
flatulent=that question really stinks
hostility=if you ask me just one more question, I’ll kill you
ignorance=I don’t know
indifference=it doesn’t matter
influenza=you’ve got to be sick to ask me that question
insomnia=i stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer
irreverent=I swear to god, you ask to many questions
masturbation=your father can handle that question
narcissism=before I answer, tell me, don’t I look great
over protective=I don’t know if you’re ready for the answer
paranoid=you probably think I don’t know the answer, don’t you?
procrastination=I’ll tell you tomorrow
repetitive=I already told you the answer once before
self centered=well, I know the answer, that’s all that matters
suspicious=why are you asking me all these questions?

2006-08-26 11:18:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Like "Halt! Stop what you're doing right now!"

2006-08-26 11:16:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am very popular to men and women.
I have known to put on smiles.
I am known to come in different colors and sizes, and I am wrapped in different brands.
Also known to be either skinny and long, or fat and stubbly.
When taken out, I go in hard and dry, and come out soft an wet.
Once taken out a second time, I become dissatisfied to others,
And tend to lose interest.
Now without hesitation, Guess who I am?

10 points for the first correct answer

2006-08-26 11:13:49 · 21 answers · asked by ? 6

Senselessness.

2006-08-26 11:10:18 · 19 answers · asked by CubicMoo 2

mtv is losing now

2006-08-26 11:07:54 · 11 answers · asked by Puddles 3

A blonde goes horse back riding.

It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.

The blonde is enjoying herself.

All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.

The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down. She doesn't know what to do.

Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

2006-08-26 11:07:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous