Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A little boy comes home from school one day and tells his dad that he has two Viagra pills for sale. "They are $100.00 each." he tells his dad. His dad promptly tells him that he has no need for the pills and "Go ask your Grandpa."
The little boy tells his Grandpa that he has two Viagra pills for sale and they are $100 each. "So do you want to buy them?" he asks his grandpa.
"I'll tell you what, you give me the pills and I will try them out. If they work, I will give you the $200." The little boy sees this as fair and gives his grandpa the pills.
The next day grandpa walks up to the boy and hands him $500.
"The pills were only $200, grandpa, why did you give me $500?"
Grandpa responds, "$200 is from me for the pills. The other $300 is from your grandma!"

2006-08-25 18:44:17 · 6 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America's troubles on lawyers when a woman said, "They aren't all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000."

"I don't believe it," the host responded.

"It's true, I swear it," said the woman.

"Well, how did it happen," the man asked, a bit suspicious.

"I had a complicated personal injury case," the woman said, "and what with the lawyer's fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer told me I wouldn't have to pay him the difference."

2006-08-25 18:31:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesse Jackson, while visiting a primary school class, found himself in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."

So the illustrious religious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it sure as heck wouldn't be an accident, either."

2006-08-25 18:26:56 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in The Hague and, as a young man, aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the Army during WWII and spent two years co-piloting B17s until his aircraft was shot down in 1943 and he lost his left arm. Captain Grapje spent the rest of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual aid to soldiers, both Allied and enemy.

After the war, he became a priest, serving as a missionary in Africa, piloting his own plane (in spite of his handicap) to villages across the continent. In 1997, Father Grapje was serving in Zimbabwe when an explosion in a silver mine caused a cave-in. Archbishop Grapje went down into the mine to administer last rights to those too severely injured to move. Another shaft collapsed, and he was buried for three days, suffering multiple injuries, including the loss of his right eye. The high silver content in the mine's air gave him purpura, a life-long condition characterized by purplish skin blotches.

Although Cardinal Grapje devoted his life to the service of God as a scholar, mentor, and holy man, church leaders agree: he will never ascend to the Papacy. No one wants a one-eyed, one-armed, flying purple Papal leader.

2006-08-25 18:17:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

i just bought a dodge truck. the one who can come up with the funniest meaning for D.O.D.G.E. will get 10 points.

example= don't order digested green eggs

remember funniest wins...have fun with it.

2006-08-25 18:16:56 · 20 answers · asked by Gina 2

(note this - for want of better term joke? - works best in voice)
There once was a poor preist who was driving home one fateful night when all of a sudden a rabbit hopped out infront of his car....
SCREEEEEEEEEE... BUMP .... EEEECHH....
"Oh my Lord", he stated, "That poor rabbit!"
he left the car to check what he'd done, and found the poor creature, mortally wounded, blood everywhere...
So he knelt before it and prayed "Oh heavenly father I beseech your forgivness for killing one of your wonderous creations"

Meanwhile a salesperson, who was hitchhiking in the area came across the preist saying "don't worry, its not as bad as all that."

The Preist looked at him and said "How can you say that I've.. I've killed the poor thing"
instead of consoling the preist the salesman bought out his breifcase and pulled out a bottle, from which he sprinked a fine liquid all over the rabbit which promptly got up and hopped away merrily.

Stunned the preist asked "What was in that?"
"Hare Restorer!"

2006-08-25 18:10:45 · 10 answers · asked by ForgeAus 3

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into wearing earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

The man says, "ever since my wife found it in the back seat of my car."

2006-08-25 18:05:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

2006-08-25 18:03:15 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother is driving her little girl to a friends house.
"Mommy, how old are you?"
"Honey, it's not polite to ask a lady that." The mother responds.
"Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
"Now really, those are personal questions and are really none of your business." the mother says. Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get divorced?" "That is enough questions young lady!" The exasperated mother walks away.
"My mom won't tell me anything about her", the little girl tells her friend. "Well, all you have to do is look at her drivers lisence. It is like a report card, it has everything on it!" says the friend.
Later that night, the little girl tells her mother, "I know how old you are, and you are 32."
The mother is very surprised.
"I also know that you weigh 140 lbs."
The mother is shocked now, "How in heavens name did you find that out?"
"And, I know why you and daddy got a divorce!"
"Oh really, WHY?"
"Because you got an F in sex!"

2006-08-25 18:02:16 · 12 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

There once was an Expert Psychiatrist who upon leaving work one day noticed his car tyre was flat. So he set about changing it, took off the lugnuts, but all four fell down the drain accidentally.

While he took out the spare, he placed it on the car but was lost, where was he going to get four lug nuts from? He began to panic and look down the drain for answers... however a poor mental patient was watching this dilemma and had a suggestion.

"hey doctor dude... Why don't you just take three lug nuts from the other three tyres?"
The Psychiatrist was astonished, "Thats a really good idea, how come your a mental patient here if your so smart?"
came the reply,
"I may be crazy but I ain't stupid!"

2006-08-25 17:54:20 · 4 answers · asked by ForgeAus 3

How is it possible to throw a ball as hard as you can, have it stop in mid air and come right back to you?

2006-08-25 17:53:26 · 9 answers · asked by El Duderino 6

2006-08-25 17:50:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

two black guys die and go to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates when they see saint Peter. They ask "Are we allowed in"? Peter says hold on ill check with God. After God says its OK Peter runs back to God seconds later. "They are gone!!"shouted Peter. "The 2 black fellas?"God asks."No the pearly gates and the black guys".

2006-08-25 17:43:42 · 15 answers · asked by blade_6162 2

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Nevermind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there ws anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure", I said. "Isn't there anything that I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not." I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

2006-08-25 17:37:07 · 8 answers · asked by momoftwo 3

A man was found murdered on Sunday morning. His wife immediately called the police. The police questioned the wife and staff and got these alibis:
The Wife said she was sleeping.
The Cook was cooking breakfast.
The Gardener was picking vegetables.
The Maid was getting the mail.
The Butler was cleaning the closet.

The police instantly arrested the murdered. Who did it and how did they know?

2006-08-25 17:18:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mom and Dad have four daughters, and each daughter has one brother. How many people are in the family?

2006-08-25 17:15:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I soar without wings, I see without eyes.
I've traveled the universe to and fro.
I've conquered the world, yet I've never been anywhere but home.
Who am I?

2006-08-25 17:04:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

what goes up a chimney down but not down a chimney up?

2006-08-25 17:03:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

George, Helen, and Steve are drinking coffee.
Bert, Karen, and Dave are drinking soda.
Using logic, is Elizabeth drinking coffee or soda?

2006-08-25 17:00:55 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-25 16:57:00 · 11 answers · asked by LiN 6

Pay back!!
> Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and
>the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a
>U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
>
>After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and
>was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up
>and get a coke."
>
>"Don't get up," said the Marine. "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it
>for you."
>
>As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and
>spat in it.
>
>When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That
>looks good. I'd really like one, too."
>
>Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
>
>While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe
>and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed
>the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into
>his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
>
>"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. "How long must this go
>on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
>This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"
>
>
>THE MARINES WILL ALWAYS WIN.

2006-08-25 16:51:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

momma jokes? They're all so dumb, do people really get offended by mom jokes, or when people say they did someone's mom?

2006-08-25 16:41:59 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-25 16:38:16 · 14 answers · asked by bakbiter 3

2006-08-25 16:34:03 · 20 answers · asked by candispassion.com 3

Give me some URL to free jokes & riddles sites.


P.S. You know that non-Yahoo! site URL submission is against rules.
muhahahaha

2006-08-25 16:29:50 · 8 answers · asked by LiN 6

Do you got it? Please share.

2006-08-25 16:14:51 · 26 answers · asked by Azam 2

i see you all said i should confront my fear of wrestling scorpions, my question is ........ do scropions make good roommates?? do they have the tendancy to pay bills and rent on time, or are they generally slackers, not to be too stereotypical!! anything would help, thanks!!

2006-08-25 16:13:51 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is everyone in the world doing right now?

2006-08-25 16:08:49 · 25 answers · asked by LiN 6

Give me kthe hardest riddle you can think of... no sources are needed. I just want to know some good riddles...

2006-08-25 16:08:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am everywhere,I am invisible,What am i?

2006-08-25 16:05:54 · 27 answers · asked by VietBoy1995 2