Hit me with your best cop joke?

Question

Thanks 'onglipo n'. But yo mama was better than yours.

Answer 1

A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blows up the balloon and he walks it back to his patrol unit. After a couple of minutes, he returns to her car and says, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replies, "You mean it shows that, too?"


The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."


There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.
One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!!"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."


You are under arrest and....
1. No, I don't care who you are.
2. No, I don't care who you know.
3. Yes... you DO pay my salary.
4. Yes... you CAN have my job.
5. No, I don't have anything better to do.
6. Yes, I DO arrest real criminals sometimes.
7. No, I am not picking on you because you are __________ (fill in any ethnic group/race).
8. No, I can't give you a break.
9. No, I don't know your friend, Officer __________.
10. Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
11. Yes, I'm sure you will never do it again.
12. No, we can't talk about it.
13. Yes, it DOES make me happy.
14. Yes, you WILL see me in court.
Thank you, have a nice day.
Your Arresting Officer __________

Answer 2

This blonde gets pulled over for speeding. She is really nervous, because if she gets any more points on her license they will take it away.
As soon as the cop gets to the window, she asks "Sir, I can't afford another ticket. Is there anything that I can do to get out of this?" The cop looks at her for a minute and then asks her to step out of the car.
He walks back to his car. When he comes back, he has his peter in his hand.
The blonde looks at him and groans, "Oh no, not another breathalizer!"

Answer 3

a cop's son went to his first day at daycare and was asked what sound does a cow make? son said Moo then asked what sound a cat made? son said Mew then finally asked what sound a pig makes? son shouted out FREEZE!

Answer 4

*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout.
*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.
*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be physically fit to be a cop."
*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.
*Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.
*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.
*When he asks you for your license say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if you'd hold my beer."
*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot against the gas pedal."
*Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

Answer 5

well two birds with one stone...blonde cop joke

ok ready...

a blonde gets pulled over for speeding. the blonde cop asks for her liscence, the driver says..."what's that?". the cop tells her that its small and has your picture in it.
so the driver pulls out her compact...the cop looks in the compact and says..."if i knew you were a cop, i wouldn't have pulled you over in the first place"

sorry, that was more of a blonde joke...but i try...

Answer 6

ok so there's this lil kid and he asks his dad: hey dad wats drunk mean?
and the dad says: hey theres 2 cops over there and if i said there was 4, i would be drunk
and the kid says: but dad, theres only 1!

Answer 7

Knock Knock

Whos there...

COPS suck....lol

Answer 8

once there was a cop his name was lin he was mad so he died after dieing his mad ghost started opening girls pants and underwear and he started sexing them his centerpoint went into their vagina he had a lot of fun

Answer 9

Bad boys bad boys watcha gonna do!!! ROFl that sounded gay

Answer 10

uh, did you know that cops love doughnuts? hahahaha i amaze myself sometimes, that was soo funny, hahahaha