The best (clean) joke in the world?

Question

Do you got it? Please share.

Answer 1

9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!
5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?
7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Dumb-***?

Answer 2

I can never remember the clean ones. It's old but still one of my favourites


Two builders go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.

"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the first builder.

"Looks more like a stockbroker to me." argued the second.

They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.

"Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" the builder said to the man.

Smiling the man replied, "I'm a logical scientist."

"A what?" asked the builder.

"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along,
"Yes, I do as it happens."

"Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?"

"A pond" the builder replied.

"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden."
The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued,
"which means it's logical to assume you have a large house."

"I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself." the builder said proudly.

"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..."

The builder nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."

"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life."
"Five nights a week!" the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often."

"Never!" the builder exclaimed.

"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical
science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"

The builder left, very impressed by the man's talents.

On returning to the bar the other builder asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"

"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist.
"A what?" the puzzled second builder asked.
"Let me explain" the first builder continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?"

"No" replied his mate.

"Well, you're a tosser then!"

Answer 3

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions.

1. Name two days of the week that begin with T.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?

Forrest said he would be back and went to think for a little while. When he came back he said he had the answers.
1. The two days of the week that begin with T are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two-first names and they are Andy and Howard."

Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is acceptable. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"

Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd,...""OK, I give in" said Saint Peter, but what about the God's first name stuff?

Forrest said, "Well, from the song... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own... and the prayer... Our Father which Art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."

Okay it's kinda religious I know. But it is cute.

Answer 4

How's this?

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If
the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around
me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

Answer 5

Here is an old one:
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---


John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"


--
LiN
EEE, BUET

Answer 6

Chuck Norris walked into a bar. With one mighty roundhouse kick, he killed the bartender. Then, he walked over to the tables, and killed a priest, rabbi and an Irishman. As he was leaving, he punched a blonde so hard her mother-in-law died.

Chuck Norris isn't good at telling jokes.

Answer 7

what do you call a midget mexican woman??

CUNTISWAYLO.....teehee

this man walked into a bar and had a big frog on his head.
the bar tender said "my god man what happened to you?"
the frog said " i don't know ,,, it started out as a wart on my a*s"

a string walked into a bar and asked for a drink.
the bartender said "i'm sorry , we don't serve strings in here"
the string left and went out to the parking lot and rolled around on the ground and then got up and went back into the bar and ordered a drink. the bartender said "hey, aren't you that string that was just in here? " he looked at the bar tender and said nope... frayed knott. [get it? he went out and got himself all dirty and frayed and knotted up by rolling around on the ground. so he's not a string anymore he's a frayed knott....teehee


a man walked into a doctors office complaining .
the doctor asked him what was the problem.
he said...well i feel really good but look at me i look like hell.
the doctor thougth for a while and said. hmm. looks bad feels good..looks bad feels good... sir.. i believe you are a vagina.

OK..OK..
a little boy is sitting on his front steps when a delivery man comes up to the house. He asks if he can speak to his father.
the little boy says no not right now he's out back fu**ing the goat.
well... doesn't that bother you? the little boy said naaaaaaaaaaa

[you have to say lt so sounds like a goat .you know because the goat was his mother too.}

ok...
why are a womans vagina and butthole so close together?
so when they pass out... you can carry them home like a six pack!

what did cinderella say when she go to the ball? cough. hack

How did the amish man find his goat in a tall fied of corn?
very satisfying.

did you hear about the polock that broke his arm raking leaves?
he fell out of the tree.

do you know how to keep colored children from jumping on your bed?
put velcro on the ceiling.

OK...OK... SOME CLEAN ONES

what's white and goes up?
a retarded snowflake.

what's black and blue and goes ding dong?
a beat up avon lady
boring!!

Answer 8

The Legend of the Golden Rat A vacationing salesman whose direction became alongside the California coast desperate to end in Solvang, a Danish community, sometime for lunch. He enjoyed his meal, and he took his time surfing interior the direction of the shops to discover a modern-day for his spouse. In a save window, his gaze became riveted to a tiny golden statue of a rat. The statue became particularly repulsive in its lifelike ingredient, stunning right down to the ruby eyes and ivory tooth. He basically had to be certain extra approximately it. He entered the keep and asked the clerk proper to the golden rat. "How lots does it fee?" he asked. "The golden rat is unfastened, sir, however the legend that is going with it costs $500." "it somewhat is ridiculous!" Then the salesperson paused. "i do no longer assume i will get the rat devoid of the legend?" "actual, sir." the salesperson could no longer have self belief his luck. "Will you wrap it for me?" "definite, sir, for a dollar." "large. i will take it." the salesperson left the keep guffawing on the clerk's stupidity. On his thank you to his vehicle, he observed a rustling in a bush close to him. He peered interior it and observed a rat staring beadily back at him. He shrugged it off and went back in the direction of his vehicle. The rat accompanied. the salesperson began to speed. The rat moved quickly after him. the salesperson ran, and he observed rats pouring out of alleys, timber, typhoon drains, and streets around him. the salesperson thoroughly lost his calm and pelted out in the direction of the open fields. The rats pursued him en masse. As he dashed over a slender footbridge over between the irrigation canals interior the section, he found out that this could have something to do with the statue. He tossed the field containing the golden rat into the canal. particular sufficient, the rats swarmed down into the water, drowned, and have been finished to sea. using fact the salesperson wiped the sweat from his face with a shaking hand, he observed the clerk from the keep coming near him with a extensive grin on his face. using fact the clerk fished the field out of the canal with a internet, he asked the salesperson, "Are you waiting for the legend yet?" the salesperson snapped, "No!" Then, after a 2nd, he asked, "Do you have any golden attorneys?"

Answer 9

A Scottish guy walks into a bar and he's got a steering wheel stuck in his pants.

The bartender asks, "Hey mister, you know you got a steering wheel in your pants?"

The Scottish guy replies, "Yes, it's driving me nuts!"

Answer 10

Did you hear about the couple who froze to death at the drive in?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter"