Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

Test of Psyche


A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met
this guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy
was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to
be just that! She fell in love with him right there,
but never asked for his number and could not find him.


A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive in killing her sister?
(Give this some thought before you answer)

2006-08-24 22:31:20 · 21 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

a family of trained puffins that drive vintage tractors over some olives, without breaking them?

2006-08-24 22:30:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 - British Rail makes curly sandwiches
2 - builders always show their bum cleavage
3 - the Lib Dems holds it's party conferences in phone boxes
4 - Tony Blair wants to put dogs into extermination camps in Iowa
5 - only creeps have car phones
6 - no one has ever tasted, or even heard of, curry in Sweden

2006-08-24 22:28:00 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Things Stressed Women Say at Work

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unscrew you.
2. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.
3. Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I LOOK like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You
choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
15. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
16. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
17. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
18. Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
19. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
20. You look like crap. Is that the style now?
21. I'm not tense, just terribly alert.
22. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
23. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
24. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
25. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

2006-08-24 22:17:20 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

An old gentleman walked into a jeweller's shop late one
Friday, with drop-dead gorgeous young blonde on his arm.
"I'm looking for a spectacular ring for this young lady,"
he said.
The jeweller looked through his stock and took out an
outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand. I want something very
unique and more expensive" the old man said.

At that, the jeweller went and fetched his special stock
from the safe.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $85,000."
The girls' eyes sparkled and the man said that he would
take it.

"Fine," the jeweller said. "And how will you be paying
for this, sir?"
"I'll pay by cheque but of course you will want to make
sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a cheque today, and you can phone the bank Monday and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

Monday morning a very pissed-off jeweller phoned the
man. "You lied to me," he said, "there's no money in that account."
"I know>that." the old man said, "But can you imagine
what a fantastic weekend I had?"

2006-08-24 22:15:04 · 20 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy.

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again,
it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too
manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by
the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

2006-08-24 22:12:24 · 22 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

You remember what a haiku is, right?
Come up with the funniest/raunchiest one for the 10 points!

2006-08-24 22:08:05 · 6 answers · asked by Starlight*Angel 5

one male, one female. after many months, the male scoots over to the female's side of the cage and say's: 'since we're in this place together, why don't i move over to your side?'
the female canary replies: ' i don't think so.'
so the male goes back to his side, but soon moves back across and say's: 'i'm sorry i was so foward. why don't we get to know each other better first?'
to which she again replies: 'i don't think so.'
he languishes for a bit, then makes one final effort, asking: 'well, could we at least talk?'
this time she replies: 'i'm sorry i've been so offhand, but i've just learnt i have a canarial disease called chirpies and i hear it is untweetable.'

2006-08-24 22:06:59 · 21 answers · asked by Kelly 5

To all young people


Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect
you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents
had
a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
about
your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are
now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes
and
listening to you talk about how cool you
thought you were. So before you save the rain forest

2006-08-24 22:05:30 · 14 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween

party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head

and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his

problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted

handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden

leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized

his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week

goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover

your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look

the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from

emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so

again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the

molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your

*** and go as a caramel apple.

2006-08-24 22:01:19 · 22 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

The husband walks to his wife and with a serious look he says, Honey your mother just felled down the roof about two hours ago. What ? she says. Why didn't you tell me this before ? Well says the husband, It was so fuking funny that i could'nt stop laughing.

True story by the way.

2006-08-24 21:56:10 · 56 answers · asked by thefreakinchicken 2

A news reporter decided to do a column on old Southern stories. He goes to the hills of Kentucky and finds an old guy sitting on his porch. ''Do you have any stories you can share with me?'' The old guy says, ''Of course I do. One time old Bob's goat got loose, so we set up a search team to find it. We sat around and had a few beers and then went looking for it. We found it, then we all screwed it.''''Well I can't put a story like that in the paper. Do you have any others - maybe a happy story?'' asked the reporter. ''Sure do,'' said the man, ''One time old Bubba's cow got loose. We set up a search party to find it. Once again, we had a few beers, looked for the cow, then we screwed it when we found it.'' ''Well, I can't put that in the paper either. Do you have any sad stories?''
''Sure do. One time I got lost!

2006-08-24 21:55:04 · 20 answers · asked by scousey1505 1

2006-08-24 21:32:38 · 17 answers · asked by cutie cutie 1

2006-08-24 21:32:04 · 17 answers · asked by cutie cutie 1

2006-08-24 21:31:35 · 11 answers · asked by cutie cutie 1

2006-08-24 21:31:05 · 6 answers · asked by cutie cutie 1

a truif dtans

2006-08-24 21:30:25 · 8 answers · asked by thefreakinchicken 2

a doctor a lawyer and an engineer are in a house. a policeman walking by hears "oh no, John, don't!" and then a shot the policeman goes into the house and sees a dead woman and gun lying on the floor. he turns to the lawyer and says "You're under arrest." How does the policeman know?

2006-08-24 21:24:59 · 22 answers · asked by :) 2

There is a common English word that is nine letters long. Each time you remove a letter from it, it still remains an English word - from nine letters right down to a single letter. What is the original word, and what are the words that it becomes after removing one letter at a time?

2006-08-24 21:04:29 · 9 answers · asked by zhish_blaster 2

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant
and said, "Me too, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

2006-08-24 20:53:18 · 14 answers · asked by Filo 2

Texas Chili Cook-off

If you can read the whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions of two judges (Native Texans). They said that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 (Frank): Holy Mother of God! What is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before the flames that come from my ears ignite again. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. blonde lady is starting to look HOT - just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. They told me chili is an aphrodisiac!

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.! It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be braver than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore, and I really need to wipe my *** with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI #8: TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2: This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. I wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili!

2006-08-24 20:45:11 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm gotten like eight notifications in a row for the same question that I got "Best Answer" to two days ago. Harassment?

2006-08-24 20:40:37 · 24 answers · asked by NA 6

The following sentence is false. The preceding sentence is true. Are these sentences true or false?

2006-08-24 20:18:59 · 9 answers · asked by zhish_blaster 2

A time when they?re green, a time when they're brown, But both of these times, cause me to frown. But just in between, for a very short while, They?re perfect and yellow, and cause me to smile! What am I talking about here?

2006-08-24 20:15:26 · 15 answers · asked by zhish_blaster 2

What symbol can be put between 2 and 3 to make the result greater than 2 but less than 3?

2006-08-24 20:12:00 · 10 answers · asked by zhish_blaster 2

just felt like wasting five points....since..i DID have an answer picked as BEST...i feel i can afford to ask a question..or two

2006-08-24 20:03:20 · 7 answers · asked by ninerfaninsanjose 3

also:
What is green and white and sits in a corner?

2006-08-24 19:43:27 · 8 answers · asked by I like skushies! 2

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

What is the one thing you should know if you are walking on thin ice?
A: Swim!

Hahah. And here is today's riddle:

How do you define a will (the legal declaration)?

2006-08-24 19:29:00 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Anyone know of any good jokes website?

2006-08-24 19:13:54 · 11 answers · asked by moon_essence1 2

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "It's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

2006-08-24 19:13:41 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous