Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened. A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "twelve." The member replied, "six " and was let in. A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "six." The member replied, "three" and was let in. The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said ,"ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in.

What should have he said?

2006-08-24 18:53:08 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-24 18:51:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (professional wrestlers, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

2006-08-24 18:48:25 · 17 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

A man is dead in a desert with a rock lying beside him. There are no footprints leading to or away from him, nor have any been covered over. How did he die?

2006-08-24 18:38:53 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I been through this too long
But I'll be damned if I see another chick on your arm
Won't you ring the alarm
I been through this too long
But I'll be damned if I see another chick on your arm

2006-08-24 18:24:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

2006-08-24 18:21:38 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i Had a real shitty day and now im back at work......damn

2006-08-24 18:09:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i know what your thinking ... witherspoon? no .... withherknife!!!!!!!!!! hahahah. funny.

2006-08-24 18:00:58 · 25 answers · asked by Ashley G 1

I have been carting around this extra kidney now pushing forty three years. I thought I might sell it off if I could and upgrade another part of my body,maybe get some lipo.
So can I do this legally? Help me out.

2006-08-24 17:59:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boom Shakalakalaka!!!!!!!!! BOOOOYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-08-24 17:57:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two if they're really small!

2006-08-24 17:55:56 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

For instance, in my previous question about having a vibrating pager from The Outback in my pants, why can't some people tell that I'm completely joking? Or when I asked have you every contemplated faking drowning at the town pool just so one of the hot lifeguards would save you. Who in their right mind would think I would ever actually do that?

LOL

All serious and thought provoking answers to this question get a thumbs DOWN!

2006-08-24 17:55:16 · 11 answers · asked by mayorofsteveville2002 3

how much wood, could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood????????

2006-08-24 17:53:59 · 16 answers · asked by J Q 1

2006-08-24 17:53:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

want to know who can get this right and see what some of you guys come up with.

2006-08-24 17:47:23 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

First correct answer gets ten points! =)

2006-08-24 17:39:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man went to visit his friend and sees a strange
machine in the middle of his living room. He
asks, "What is that?" His friend replies, "It is
a sex machine." " Oh, how does it work?" " Just
stick your dick in, insert a quarter, and it will
jerk you off!" So the guy immediately wants to
try it. The friend says ok and tells him he is
going to get a drink of water from the kitchen
while he does his thing.

Suddenly the friend hears a loud shriek. He runs
back and asks, "What's the matter? Did you insert
a quarter?" The guy says, "I didn’t have a
quarter so I inserted a dime!"

"But for a dime, it only sharpens pencils!"
replies the friend.

2006-08-24 17:37:45 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-24 17:36:22 · 8 answers · asked by want_me_luv_me 4

There's no answer. I made it up to see what you witty people would come up with. Best one gets 10 points!

2006-08-24 17:35:59 · 43 answers · asked by ? 6

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a washrag."

2006-08-24 17:30:54 · 8 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

Sher ki shaadi thi,baraat mein sab sheron ke beech ek kutta naach raha tha....usse pucha"Aap yahan kaise?" to kutta bola "Shaadi se pehle main bhi sher tha"....(in HINDI)

I will TRANSLATE it in English for all of you...
------------------------------------------------------------------

Once upon a time a LION was getting married, so all the other Lions were dancing and celebrating. Among them a DOG was also dancing, everybody was amazed and asked him why was he dancing in Lion's marriage? To which he replied "Before marriage I was also a Lion".....


he he he

2006-08-24 17:27:34 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

right answer gets ten points!!

2006-08-24 17:19:01 · 9 answers · asked by Alli G 2

A man trained his dog to go around the corner to Bud's Lounge every day with two dollar bills under his collar to get a pack of cigarettes. Once the man only had a five, so he put it under the collar and sent the dog on his way.
An hour passed and the pooch still hadn't returned. So the man went to Bud's and found his dog sitting on a bar stool, drinking a beer. He said, " You've never done this before."
Replied the dog, " I never had the money before."


enjoy ...:)

2006-08-24 17:14:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An attorney had just finished a consultation with an elderly, nearly blind widow, for which he charged her $100. The widow opened her purse and removed a $100 bill. When the lawyer accepted it, he noticed there was another 100 stuck to it. Immediately the lawyer's keen legal mind realized he was faced with a vital ethical question:

Should he tell his partner?

2006-08-24 17:11:27 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

pessimist=you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump anyway
optimist=you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps like this before
procrastinator=you play a game of monopoly for the parachute
bureaucrat=you order the other person to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi engine aircraft under code red conditions
lawyer=you charge one parachute for helping the other person sue the airline
doctor=you tell the other person you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment
sales executive=you sell the other person the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too
advertiser=you strip tease while singing that what the other person needs is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99
engineer=you make the other person another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss
scientist you give the other person the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked
mathematician=you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases
philosopher=you ask how the other person knows the parachute actually exists
English expert=you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions
Comparative literature theorist=you read the parachute instructions in all four languages
Computer science=you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could
Psychoanalyst=you ask the other person what the shape of te parachute reminds them of
Dramatist=you tie the other person down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute
Artist=you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it
Environmentalist=you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable
Economist=you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute

2006-08-24 17:09:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

God hates Racists

http://marbella.to/humour/apr00/kkk.jpg

2006-08-24 16:54:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.hiphopcars.com/cars/dooney_burke_ride.jpg

http://www.hiphopcars.com/cars/hot_bubble_impala_ss.jpg
enjoy lol☻

2006-08-24 16:44:13 · 7 answers · asked by ◄BamaBoy205► 5

no stupid jokes allowed!!!!! if u r going 2 say something retarded then shut the hell up!

2006-08-24 16:39:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

.............Because it was having sex with the chicken....tell me what you think!

2006-08-24 16:30:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

#1:Run hither and nither
With hours to spare
Though I travel great distance
I’ve wandered nowhere

#2:The great beyond lay dark and deep
Confined within this sphere we sleep
Confounded more and more each day
Inventing ships to run away

#3:
What is born in darkness
Using gills to breathe,
Craves the light
Whenever set free
Takes away life
Gives back disease
Walks on six legs flies on two wings?

Check out my 360 Yahoo in three days for the answers!
HINT: They're simpler than you think but more than you perceive

2006-08-24 16:26:57 · 12 answers · asked by Rick R 5