Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-24 10:02:21 · 19 answers · asked by daniel 2

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, "Hello ladies!"

2006-08-24 10:01:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks in to a bathroom with a gun. He then shoots himself right between his eyes. The man had a real gun, with real bullets. None were blanks. He then walked out of the bathroom, perfectly unharmed. And no, he was not superman. How is this possible?

2006-08-24 09:59:05 · 12 answers · asked by Mr T 4

What crime is punishable by law if attempted, but is not punishable by law if commited?

2006-08-24 09:57:16 · 16 answers · asked by charleegirleuro 2

2006-08-24 09:44:45 · 18 answers · asked by Sir Greggath 3

by all the Big Wheels parked out front.

2006-08-24 09:40:25 · 8 answers · asked by pete cochino 3

2006-08-24 09:30:25 · 44 answers · asked by Princess A 2

2006-08-24 09:26:50 · 18 answers · asked by Princess A 2

Give me the answer I'm looking for and gain 10 points. If there happens to be more than one correct answer, then those in contention go into a hat and the winner of the points will be drawn from said hat.

2006-08-24 09:26:19 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

For the dumb blonde -- dare her to give you an underwater **** job without coming up for air until the job is done. (And don't mention to her that you just jerked off five minutes before.)

For the intelligent one -- just hold her underwater till she stops kicking and struggling.

2006-08-24 09:24:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, you're obviously not getting it, some of you know the answer, but you aren't telling me why that's the answer. So this time, EXPLAIN WHY that's the answer.

2006-08-24 09:09:55 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

You've answered, but I want you to tell me why you chose that answer. And explain why you think it's right.

2006-08-24 09:07:17 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-24 09:02:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Complete the last part.

2006-08-24 09:01:22 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, one to hold the bulb and the other to tell him it's against the will of God.

How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They're never in the dark.

How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.

How many atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they?

How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They provide their own illumination.

How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nine. One to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.

How many Catholic Bishops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Catholic Bishops don't change anything ....

How many Hari Krishnas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing lots of songs using only the words "Hari Krishna."

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a lightbulb?
Don't know - I didn't let them in to find out.

How many missionaries does it take to change a lightbulb?
101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change lightbulbs too.

How many Mormons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Six. One to screw it in and the other five to serve refreshments.

How many Muslims does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. If the lightbulb has died, it is the will of Allah, and it would be blasphemy to attempt to change it.

How many Quakers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't. It's been like that for 2000 years and there's no precedent for lightbulb changing.

How many Taoists does it take to change a lightbulb?
You cannot change a lightbulb. By its nature it will go out again.

How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A tree in a golden forest.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. Zen masters carry their own light.

How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.

2006-08-24 08:59:43 · 9 answers · asked by darkangel1111 5

1. you find yourself beginning to like accordion music
2. lawn care has become a big highlight of your life
3. your underwear creeps up on you and you enjoy it
4. you tune into the easy listening station on purpose
5. you discover that your measurements are now small medium and large in that order
6. you keep repeating yourself
7. you start videotaping daytime game shows
8. at cafeterias you complain that the jello is to tough
9. your new easy chair has more options than your car
10. when you do the hokey pokey you put your left hip out and it stays there
11. 1 of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle
12. conversations with people of your own age often turn into dueling ailments
13. you keep repeating yourself
14. it takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump
15. you’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker
16. you begin every other sentence with "nowadays"
17. you run out of breath walking down a flight of stairs
18. you look both ways before crossing a room
19. you come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity
20. it takes you all night to do what you used to do all night
21. you go to a garden party and you’re mainly interested in the garden
22. you find your mouth making promises your body cant keep
23. at parties you attend, ‘regularity’ is considered the topic of choice
24. you start beating everyone else at trivia games
25. you frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread used to cost
26. your back goes out more than you do
27. you keep repeating yourself
28. your childhood toys are in a museum
29. the clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style….come back in style
30. all your favorite movies are now revised in color
31. the car that you bought brand new is now a very valuable antique
32. you keep repeating yourself
33. you find this list tasteless and insensitive

2006-08-24 08:59:19 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-24 08:55:50 · 9 answers · asked by Quaid 2

2006-08-24 08:17:54 · 23 answers · asked by king 3

1. you could do worse
2. I’ll work so hard you wont even know I’m there
3. I’ll need all my paid annual leave up front so I’ll be rested when I start
4. you cant turn me down because I smell bad. You have to have a reason
5. that big thing growing on my face isn’t my fault
6. I don’t do drugs anymore, I swear
7. i can go all day without peeing once
8. i wont sue you when you fire me
9. my arrest record is all a bunch of lies
10. i was a sniper in the army
11. i can make explosives from Windex, white out , and photocopier toner
12. you don’t have the BALLS to hire someone like me!
13 if you hire me I’ll shut up. that’s all I can promise for sure, but maybe it will be better than that and I will sure try
14. dont go checking into my record. But if you do she swore she was 18
15. i don’t hear the voices in my head anymore. Do not. Do not. Do not. SHUT UP!
16. if you give me the job your ok, but if you don’t you suck
17. i don’t do applications
18. if I work here I’ll wear the stupid uniform as long as I can wear any kind of underwear I want
19. I won’t have to do anything will I?
20. can I bring my goat to the company day care center?
21. I collect guns. You probably want to tell me that I got the job now, right?
22. I’m not what? Oh yeah? Well here’s what you can do with your damned job…

2006-08-24 08:14:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-24 08:04:45 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just because a joke is about some particular group of people does not mean that person is picking on them, more than likely it is a joke they have been told, laughed, and are now passing it on to get more laughs...lighten up! No one on here wishes any kind of problem on anyone else, and if you do you need to have your head checked.

2006-08-24 08:02:07 · 8 answers · asked by Puma005 1

2006-08-24 07:55:02 · 6 answers · asked by Bruins Fan 6

when he saw a quadrapalegic laying there with tears in her eyes. He walks up to her and asks what the problem is. She replies "Look at me I've got no arms and no legs, no man wants to hug me. So he says "Aww you poor thing I'll give you a hug," does, and goes on his way. He comes back the next day and she is there again, still crying. He asks what the problem is now. She replies "Look at me I've got no arms and no legs, no man wants to kiss me." He thinks about it and says ok, just this once, leans over and kisses her on the cheek. He waits 3 days, thinking she will be gone and comes back, only to find her laying there again, still crying. "Now what is it???" he asks. "Look at me, I've got no arms and no legs, no man wants to f- me." He looks around, sees that no one is looking, picks her up, throws her in the ocean and says "There, now you're f'd!"

2006-08-24 07:51:42 · 6 answers · asked by Puma005 1

This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not
you are
qualified to be a professional.

There is no need to cheat. The questions are not that difficult.
You just
need to think like a professional.
1.How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2.How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
attend except
one. Which animal does not attend?
4.There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it?
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE ANSWERS.

Answers
1.Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and closes the door. This
question
tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated
way.
2.Open the refrigerator remove the giraffe and put in the elephant
and close
the door. This question tests your foresight.
3.The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if
you are
capable of comprehensive thinking. Okay, if you did not answer the
last three
questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your
qualifications to be a professional.
4.Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the
animal meeting!
This question tests your reasoning ability.
If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true
professional. Wealth and success await you. If you answered three
out of four,
you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. If you
answered two
out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food
joint. If
you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's
the only way
you will ever make any money. If you answered none correctly,
consider a career
that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as
law or
politics.

2006-08-24 07:50:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Quick eye exam...

This will blow your mind...!

just do it -dont cheat!!!!!!!!

Count the number of F's in the following text:


FINISHED FILES ARE THE
RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS

Scroll down only after you have counted them

ok?

How many?

Three?

Wrong, there are six- no joke!

Read Again!

The reasoning is further down...

The brain cannot process the word "OF".

incredible or what?

Anyone who counts all six F"s on the first go is a genius

Three is normal.


How many did you count on your first try, be honest
I counted three

2006-08-24 07:48:14 · 34 answers · asked by cutey 2

You must keep this thing, its loss will affect your brothers.
For once yours is lost, it will soon be lost by others.

2006-08-24 07:47:15 · 29 answers · asked by xxDiStUrBeDxx 4

not to bad to ask a member of the opposite sex after a few drinks,,
they say that they dont know,,,,!!!!
and you say well lie down to i speak to you..

2006-08-24 07:42:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were these guys runnin a race. It was 2 kilometres from the lake to the village. Bob over took the guy coming last. What position in the race is bob now?

2006-08-24 07:37:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

the plane crashes smack on the border between the two countries , who is legally responsible for burying the survivors and why...

2006-08-24 07:36:05 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

In night i am day, in day i am night. what am I?

not that i make a habbit of doing this but it just accured to me

2006-08-24 07:34:28 · 17 answers · asked by w359borg 4