Jokes & Riddles - August 2006

2006-08-24 00:17:54 · 24 answers · asked by mewho? 2

The following is a report given to a man who hired a chinese private investigator to follow his wife whom he thought might be having and affair.
1. You leave house
2. Man come to your house
3. Man and lady leave your house.
4. Man and lady get on train
5. I get on train
6. Man and lady get off train
7. I get off train
8. Man and lady go to motel
9. I climb tree outside motel
10. Lady undress he
11. Man undress she
12. Man play with she
13. lady play with he
14. I play with me
15. I fall out of tree
16. I no see
17. I so sorry!

2006-08-24 00:04:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-23 23:59:28 · 14 answers · asked by mr_BIG 3

2006-08-23 23:55:52 · 9 answers · asked by Niranjan 3

2006-08-23 23:26:41 · 31 answers · asked by The Boss 3

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused,

"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, " You see, it's like this... yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's soooooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."

2006-08-23 23:22:27 · 16 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

2006-08-23 23:21:37 · 20 answers · asked by moneymatters 1

2006-08-23 23:17:33 · 21 answers · asked by goodbye and good luck :-) 1

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.



Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.



"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

2006-08-23 22:45:25 · 8 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.



On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks,
"What's the matter honey? Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies.
"Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!"

2006-08-23 22:35:04 · 8 answers · asked by gogobanca 4

1. Which driver doesn't have a license?
2. What has a neck, but doesn't have a head?
3. What begins with an 'e', ends with an 'e', but only contains one letter?

Have fun!

2006-08-23 22:32:31 · 26 answers · asked by miss simple 2

Consultation fees

A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.

2006-08-23 22:27:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you tell what my nick zhish_blaster mean?

2006-08-23 22:20:27 · 9 answers · asked by zhish_blaster 2

Wife helps out the cop

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

2006-08-23 22:16:46 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who worships cardamon seeds on a hillock outside Cardiff?

2006-08-23 22:14:09 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who in 1964, poked the eyes of a neutered Pekinese in the hope of increasing fertility in weasels?

2006-08-23 22:12:24 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Work done by your doppelganger in a parallel universe can be claimed as overtime.

2006-08-23 22:10:25 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a blind man here to see you

A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower. "There is a blind man to see you," she says. "Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I'm in the shower. Send him in."

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them. She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: "That's nice and all, ma'am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you want me to put these blinds?

2006-08-23 22:08:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I take it that you know what I mean by random.... it is the most unsuspected answer, like something nobody would suspect or think of, example... your sitting in class and the teacher is boring you, so you suddenly stand up and yell "TOASTERS MAKE TOAST!!!!!!" and then sit again, or something like that, something that is weird... i mean how random is that.... Toasters make toast! lol

2006-08-23 22:07:27 · 9 answers · asked by tank_lord18 3

There were three frogs sitting on the edge of a bath tub. The first frog jumped in and started swimming around when the 2nd frog jumped in and asked "what have you been doing today?" he replied "blowing bubbles".Then the 3rd frog jumped in. Then the 2nd frog askethe first frog "whats your name?" "my names bubbles'' he replied. Hope you like it!

2006-08-23 22:03:16 · 12 answers · asked by taybell1233 1

what is so fragile that it breaks when you say its name?

2006-08-23 21:55:26 · 18 answers · asked by miss simple 2

Question:

Why are humans the most advanced race on earth?

Remember-> Funniest or the most Smart A$$ answer gets the 10 points

2006-08-23 21:51:19 · 16 answers · asked by tank_lord18 3

If you could go back in time and change that one embarrassing moment what would it be?

My moment I would change is one night I was bringing groceries up the stairs and I missed a step and rolled back down the stairs busting open my bags. I was lying at the bottom of the stairs when all my neighbors open their doors. They just all looked at me like why is she making so much noise!

2006-08-23 21:47:31 · 6 answers · asked by Miss. Tee98 4

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

2006-08-23 21:40:47 · 7 answers · asked by Woody 3

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to
each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each
morning would look in his garden and pick up one
of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he
looked into his garden and saw that the hen had
laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up
to the Englishman and told him that the egg
belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid
on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the
Scotsman said, 'In my family we normaly solve
disputes by the following actions: I kick you in
the groin and time how long it takes you to get
back up, then you kick me in the groin and time
how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets
up quicker wins the egg.'

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman
found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on,
he took a few steps back, then ran toward the
Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the
balls.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his
nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually
the Englishman stood up and said, 'Now it's my
turn to kick you.'

The Scotsman said, 'Keep the damn egg.'

2006-08-23 21:24:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-23 21:24:10 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-08-23 21:21:59 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead.
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you" the
wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to Speak to his boss.
By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,
"I'VE ALREADYTOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK!
WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

2006-08-23 20:43:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother has three sick children. She has a 24-ounce bottle of medicine and needs to give each child eight ounces of the medicine. She is unable to get to the store and has only three clean containers, which measure 5, 11 and 13 ounces. The electricity is out and she has no way of heating water to wash the containers and doesn't want to spread germs. How can she divide the medicine to give each child an equal portion without having any two children drink from the same container?

2006-08-23 20:07:41 · 14 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

Dirty old man!





A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th
birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good
about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says
to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but
how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks
the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops
in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes
up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old
man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young, there was a surefire way
to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward,
but it requires you to let me put my hands under your
bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how
old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her
curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts
out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins
to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces
and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each
nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay,
okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes
his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was
incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says,! "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

2006-08-23 19:55:21 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous